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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The silent treatment

39 replies

Idontknowwhatsgoingon11 · 14/02/2026 22:28

So my DH of 15 years is once again giving me the silent treatment. It started on thursday morning and I have no idea why.

I woke up and was in bed for a while as I have some medical issues and it takes a while for me to get out of bed. When I went into thevliving room I could tell he was not in a good mood. I asked if he was OK and he made some non committal noise, so I left him to it. The rest of the day continues like this.

Then Friday he had work at night so he was asleep during the day. When he woke up he was no longer talking to me at all, I tried asking again what is wrong. When he left for work I sent a text to ask why he isn't talking to me.

He hasn't responded to me and is still not talking to me. I haven't tried to talk to him at all since the text. He is at work again tonight and I just feel lost.

He finds communicating very difficult due to childhood trauma. So his default is the silent treatment. He will act fairly normal with our DC ( all older teens) but it is fairly obvious that something is not right.

We have been together for over 20 years now and I have tried to support him in getting help with his trauma. He has attempted therapy more than once but when it gets to a certain point he stops engaging. The last attempt was around 10 years ago and it ended with him having a mental breakdown.

How do I deal with this? I can't keep waiting for him to start talking again. I feel drained by this. He never apologises or tells me why. For the majority of our relationship I would be the one to approach him to end it. However the last couple of years I have stopped doing this as much as I can so it lasts longer.

OP posts:

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 15/02/2026 07:13

How is he at work, do you know? I ask because yes, choosing to ignore someone can be a controlling behaviour. Going quiet because you are upset or struggling is a bit different. Would you be able to tell the difference?

In the past, when I was feeling very low, I’d feel my mouth sort of clamp shut. It got harder and harder to open it. I didn’t want to drink, eat…

GIven his history, do you think you could tell the difference between him punishing you, and him being deeply unhappy? You mention he’s odd with the DC as well, so it isn’t aimed at you entirely.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2026 07:25

He’s probably all sweetness and light with work colleagues and does not give them the silent treatment. Many abusive people are often quite plausible to those in the outside world.

Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute over the op and the kids. These young people have grown up seeing their mother (and in turn they) being emotionally abused.

Moreteanow · 15/02/2026 07:31

this is emotional abuse. He knows what he is doing. I would urge you to separate from this man. Your children can see what is going on and this is a terrible lesson to learn.

my dad used to give me the silent treatment when I was a child. The longest he went was 6 months. Never a sorry either. This is emotionally draining. He is not a good H. Good husbands don’t use you as their emotional punch bag.

the timing around Valentine’s Day is not an accident.

please contact WA for help and support.

Dgll · 15/02/2026 07:43

Is he giving you the silent treatment or is he going silent because he can't deal with his emotions and you are the only person he is comfortable enough to be silent around? I couldn't live with either sort but one is a lot worse than the other.

When he is talking to you have you discussed how to deal with his silent patches? Does he just want a bit of space or is he directing then at you?

Empress13 · 15/02/2026 08:06

Yet you say he is ok with the DC? So if that the case why is it just you he is off with? Get your ducks in a row and leave he will NEVER change. As PP said there is help out there and your DC are teens not children so they can also help with day to day tasks etc. if you stay with this narcissist not only will your physical health be bad but your mental health too. Life is too short to be this miserable

LoftyAmberLion · 15/02/2026 08:08

This isn’t about trauma it’s about control. Stonewalling is abusive and you need to leave him because abusive men do not change.

BlueWall11 · 15/02/2026 08:09

You need to leave him. My ex was like this. I know if he had hit me id have left alot earlier but looking back now I can see it is the same, its abuse.
I thought I could change him, I did everything but he would still ignore me for days at a time. I left because I didnt want my dc to think they can treat people like that or be treated like that. If you can't leave for you, leave for them.

UniversityofWarwick · 15/02/2026 08:16

Have you asked him, when he is talking to you, why he does it? My DP used to shut down when upset and could go over a week without talking to me. I eventually brought it up when he was ok and he didn’t realise and has never done it since.

Rafting2022 · 15/02/2026 08:36

As others have said, I highly doubt he gives his boss and colleagues the silent treatment.

When he’s like this does he also stop doing anything for you?

Leaving may seem impossible at the moment so look at putting some copying strategies in place and have a think if there’s anything that could allow you to leave in the future.

Imgoingtobefree · 15/02/2026 08:43

I was listening to the radio and an expert on relationships said there were two types of silent treatment.

One is deliberate, and is aimed at punishing the other partner. They are perfectly capable of interacting with other people in their normal way. This is about holding the power in a relationship and is a type of abuse.

The other type is more about the person being unable to handle their own emotions due to something they perceive their partner has done/not done. It is often related to childhood neglect or trauma.

Either way, this must be so difficult for you. You mention your dh has had some therapy. You describe a situation where you are unable to leave. I’m wondering if you would be able to access some therapy/counselling for yourself? Do you think it’s possible his silent treatment is more like the second one?

Therapy may be able to help you learn to live with this behaviour, even to understand it. There’s also a faint chance it could help you to communicate with him when this happens.

You shouldn’t have to seek therapy for his behaviour, but that might be a solution for you in these difficult circumstances.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2026 09:48

There is no justification or excuse for his abuses of you. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of; it's about power and control. It is also not a relationship issue.

She should not have to at all live with this behaviour; she and in turn their kids have suffered enough already. He went to therapy and then ceased it after a certain point. His last attempt at therapy was a decade ago. If he is abusive in nature then no amount of therapy would ever work.

Merseymum1980 · 15/02/2026 09:59

PithyViewer · 15/02/2026 04:51

I have a LOT of experience of this. My STBX did this ALL the time, and he knew he could get away with it because I had moved back to his home continent with him and didn't earn much.

Looking back, it feels like he literally spent half the marriage ignoring me. It can't have been quite that much, but it was frequent and it was long-lasting. I think the record might have been three weeks. He had INTENSE anger issues, he fit almost every criteria of covert narcissism, and he was just absolutely horrible, interspersed with being the most wonderful husband. (And before anyone asks me why on earth I married him, he didn't do any of this until I was trapped abroad and vulnerable.)

OP, I was never able to make any difference with this behaviour. In my experience, nothing I said or did made it better. I think it's a stable personality trait that will never go away. Indoctrinated by my family into making marriages work at all costs, I only got away from him because he worked himself up into such a state of contempt and rage about me that he did the narcissistic discard after almost ten years. No one in my whole life has ever had the problem with me that he did. These covert narcissists burn with hatred for the person who is closest to them. They are vile, fucked-up puppies.

And they are the absolute WORST when you are vulnerable, as I was, and as you are. You say you couldn't manage without him, but if you were on your own, you would be eligible for help from Social Services. Attendance allowance, PIP, home helps...they are there specifically for people who have no help, so by staying with him for that reason, you're basically saving the system some money by putting up with abuse. Which is crazy. Also, you do have your children.

Looking back, I think it would have made a difference if I'd let him know that I would be fine without him and that I was thinking of leaving. They do this when they really and truly think that you can't leave.

Of course, even if he realises you might leave and it makes him shape up, this also begs the question of whether you want to be with someone who's like this towards people who are vulnerable and can't easily escape.

I am very sorry, OP. I suffered a lot with the silent treatment aimed at me; it's had a dreadful effect on my self-esteem and is a major reason why I will never marry again. This wasn't the only form of emotional abuse, either. It never is. It's left me with the distinct feeling that co-habiting or marriage gives someone way too much power over your well-being.

After he left, I was devastated and lonely, but things were peaceful at last. The divorce will happen this year, and you simply cannot imagine the sheer peace and joy and light I feel at the thought of finally being rid of someone who treated me so horribly for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

IME, you can't fix people like this. You either put up with them or get away for them. My exH got worse and worse and worse over time, until at the end, he would get SO angry at me over nothing that I really thought he was going to start hitting me. Luckily he left.

Wishing you the best of luck in dealing with what I know is a truly horrible marital issue.

This is exained so well. You can do it i have kidney disease ,diabetes, major back issues and awaiting a knee op.
I thought i couldnt survive alone.
A lot of my exhaustion is getting better the last month. Funnily enough i think the stress of my covert narscist made my exhausition and illness worse.
Good luck op

Original poster

Idontknowwhatsgoingon11 · 15/02/2026 11:48

Thank you again everyone for all the support.

His work is mostly lonely work but when he is with colleagues as far as I am aware he is normal with them.

He will sometimes be overly nice to the DC during these periods.

Some have mentioned 2 types of silence and honestly it could be either type.

I did some research last night about how to respond to the silent treatment. I found multiple sources saying to say 1 sentence to them something like, " the silence feels like punishment . I will talk to you when you are more respectful "

I sent a variation of this text and I woke up this morning to a long message essentially saying he is hurt and feels alone and like I am deliberately avoiding him.

I have replied, I tried to be measured, answering his accusations with facts, like I tried to talk to him multiple times and not waiting until he was at work ect. I didn't apologise or make any accusations ect. I did say I was sorry that he feels that way. He never says sorry weirdly I had mentioned this recently in a casual conversation.

I don't think it has anything to do with valentines day. We haven't celebrated or really acknowledged it in 10 plus years.

OP posts:

ThisJadeBear · 15/02/2026 19:56

Coming at this from a different angle as someone who was diagnosed with CPTSD.
When I was really bad I used to completely shut down as in I could not speak to anyone at all. It was awful for me and my loved ones. I was single at this point.
I have since met a long term partner and I can tell you this:

to have any kind of partner and be a good one I had to get help. I got trauma therapy including EMDR. It changed my life. I paid for it myself from life savings and I do not regret it. At times it felt I couldn’t go on. Sometimes processing events led to violent nightmares, and I mean violent. I’d wake up screaming. I kept going. I knew I wanted to get better and also never shut down again.
if someone suffers from significant trauma and shuts down, they don’t tend to do this and happily chat to others. It does not work like that. Your DH may have suffered from abuse but he knows he is now abusing you and he’s doing nothing to help you. I am sorry but there is a huge difference between silent treatment and real disassociation. I am sorry you are struggling physically and to be honest I felt sick reading your words. What’s happening is abuse of someone with less physical means which is leaving you trapped. I don’t have all the answers but I can tell you this, the stress of all this is damaging your health.

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