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Original poster

Faking Illness

35 replies

justhowdoyouknow · 14/02/2026 16:30

NC

I am posting this on behalf of a friend but need some advice…..

My friend has been with her partner for 20 years. No children together.

The relationship is coming to an end.

However my friend’s partner is now claiming they may have dementia. Friend does not believe this is true. There are no signs or symptoms that have been noticed by friend. It has come out of the blue.

Has anyone experienced this before?

Thanks

OP posts:
Rainraingoawaydontcomeback · 14/02/2026 16:31

Does he know the relationship is coming to an end? Sounds like a controlling tatic to me.

Original poster
justhowdoyouknow · 14/02/2026 16:41

Yes he knows the relationship is in trouble but hasn’t been told that it is over.

OP posts:
category12 · 14/02/2026 16:43

Even more reason to get the hell out of there, isn't it?

Does she really want to become carer for someone she doesn't want to be with any more?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 14/02/2026 16:43

But they are separating? So, callous though it may sound, any illnesses he has going forward are his problem to deal with, surely. Or does he expect her to stay and nurse him, even though the relationship is over?

BillieWiper · 14/02/2026 16:49

Well she needs to stick to her guns. The relationship is over regardless of what illnesses he claims to have.

It's very unusual for someone to not represent any symptoms of cognitive decline but volunteer the fact they feel they have dementia. Despite a lack of medical diagnosis or anyone noticing anything different.

Actual dementia creeps up on you and many people would be in denial about it. Or unaware they have it.

Anyway she needs to tell him to see a doctor. And not to talk to her about his health or his personal life as they are no longer a couple. In fact she should probably block him.

I hope he's moved out?

Trallers · 14/02/2026 16:57

Is it possible the things that caused the relationship breakdown could be attributed to the beginnings of dementia? It can cause more subtle behaviour changes that aren't just about memory and can turn someone into a massive pain. Having said that, it tends to be family that norice that and not the patient - they often dont see anything worthy of medical attention so it does seem unlikely he'd have a dementia diagnosis she knew nothing about. It would normally be her dragging him to the Dr.

She needs to ask herself what difference it makes (if any) and go from there. If for instance she wanted to offer some support while.not remaining in the relationship then attending an appointment together would be a bare minimum. If she's suspecting manipulation then presumably theres a history of thay sort of behaviour to make her think its a possibility and she should probably just run anyway and not look back.

justtheotheronemrswembley · 14/02/2026 16:58

Your friend is unhappy in the relationship. Carry on with plans to leave, I'd say. If anything, get a shift on.

Original poster
justhowdoyouknow · 14/02/2026 17:04

The relationship is in trouble and it is coming to end from my friend Sally’s point of view. But they are still living together as a married couple and acting as a married couple.

Sally has told John she doesn’t think they can move on from their issues. But hasn’t said it is over.

Since the relationship has broken to the point that Sally thinks it’s over, John is saying he thinks he has dementia.

I do not believe this. Sally doesn’t either but then becomes frightened that he might be telling the truth and she is wrong to think he’s lying.

I have some experience in dementia and I don’t think you wake up one day and think you may have it. It’s more a case of people around you start to wonder if something might be wrong due to behaviours.

Sally hasn’t witnessed anything to corroborate this.

OP posts:
category12 · 14/02/2026 17:09

She said she didn't think they can move on, he claims dementia.

Seems like a tactic to play on her sympathies (and also fears of what people will think).

What has happened in the relationship that has led to her wanting to leave him?

Original poster
justhowdoyouknow · 14/02/2026 17:10

My advice so far is to end the relationship and walk away.

This is based on me thinking he is lying about the dementia and if he’s prepared to do that, it is cruel, abusive and manipulation.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 14/02/2026 17:10

If the relationship is over, it's over.
His health is irrelevant, especially if she thinks he's mentioning dementia as a reason for her to stay with him.
That would be completely unforgivable.
She doesn't need a reason to end things, even if he's inventing ill health to guilt her into staying.

Mum2Fergus · 14/02/2026 17:11

Even if he has (unlikely by the sounds of it) it’s no reason for her to stay.

Original poster
justhowdoyouknow · 14/02/2026 17:13

category12 · 14/02/2026 17:09

She said she didn't think they can move on, he claims dementia.

Seems like a tactic to play on her sympathies (and also fears of what people will think).

What has happened in the relationship that has led to her wanting to leave him?

There has been a fallout within the wider family and Sally and John have opposing views.

John thinks he is right Sally thinks he is wrong.

OP posts:
TheDutchHouse · 14/02/2026 17:18

In my experience dementia is normally noted by loved ones first.
Also I’ve had two ex’s who have claimed the most awful cancer diagnosis to try and get me back … weirdly enough both made a complete recovery once they realised it wasn’t swaying me.

Original poster
justhowdoyouknow · 14/02/2026 17:39

Thank you @TheDutchHouse I suppose I posted here in the hope the others may have experienced this and also if other people would think it was wrong to think John was lying.

John is carrying out his work, driving long distances, making plans etc etc all completely as normal with no change in his behaviour at all.

This has come after saying before Christmas he was depressed. But again, no signs and no GP appointments for medication which could have masked anything etc

OP posts:
ShesGotAPlan · 14/02/2026 17:44

It doesn’t matter whether he has dementia or not, she doesn’t want to be with him. No need for drama, there are no kids involved so it’s easy to end the relationship and never see him again. I don’t really understand the issue. Obviously he’s an arse if he’s lying to try to manipulate, but she can just not let herself be drawn in and leave abc it’s done with.

Original poster
justhowdoyouknow · 14/02/2026 17:50

@ShesGotAPlan There is no drama.

John thinks he has dementia. Sally thinks he’s lying.

I have posted here incase anyone has experienced similar.

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 14/02/2026 17:59

But it doesn't matter whether he does or not. She's going to leave, the relationship is over. The reality (dubious) of the dementia is a red herring, because they are splitting up. If he has dementia or a broken fingernail, it's all up to him to deal with.

Shinyandnew1 · 14/02/2026 18:00

It’s irrelevant if he is lying/m, it’s irrelevant if he has dementia. If she doesn’t want to stay married to him, then she needs to tell him that she wants a divorce!

Original poster
justhowdoyouknow · 14/02/2026 18:09

I think she’s frightened to just end it.

They are both 69 have been together for 20 years have a home and business interests together.

John doesn’t believe the marriage is possibly over.

So Jane was already fearful before he said about the dementia.

OP posts:
ShesGotAPlan · 14/02/2026 18:14

justhowdoyouknow · 14/02/2026 17:50

@ShesGotAPlan There is no drama.

John thinks he has dementia. Sally thinks he’s lying.

I have posted here incase anyone has experienced similar.

But there is. She wants to leave, and dementia or not, she can do that. It sounds like she’s using this an an excuse not to leave, involving you in the ‘ has he got dementia or not’ which is creating drama because it’s irrelevant. The drama continues with you posting here about it. She wants to end the relationship so she can.

Original poster
justhowdoyouknow · 14/02/2026 18:17

@ShesGotAPlan We clearly have opposing views on drama.

A friend confiding in a friend and me asking here is not being dramatic in my opinion.

I’m asking for impartial opinions on a relationship thread.

I do however applaud you for having your black and white view. You are very lucky.

OP posts:
category12 · 14/02/2026 18:19

It's going to be tough to make the jump at that age - its hard at any age to be fair - but then the alternative is spending her old age with someone she no longer wants to be with, possibly as his carer.

Even if he doesn't have dementia, some other health issue is likely to arise in the coming years.

It's perfectly possible he's lying to get her to stick it out. My ex claimed he'd made a suicide attempt (which I no longer believe, but did at the time).

Only she can make the decision, and it's scary to make those changes. Personally I'd choose peace without him over sacrificial lamb.

Original poster
justhowdoyouknow · 14/02/2026 18:23

@category12 I think her age is playing a massive part in this.

I think the marriage is over and with or without the dementia how do you even get over the fact that someone you love would make that up.

Did your ex claim he made a suicide attempt because you split or to try and stop you from splitting up?

OP posts:
10minutes · 14/02/2026 18:28

Why does it matter? She can leave him whether he has dementia or not and it’s just another confirmation that she’s right to leave if he’s the sort to lie and manipulate.

The relationship is over from her point of view so nothing else matters.