Definitely need help

[defoneedanamechange]

Our marriage is broken. Dead. Horrendous. Together 14 years, married 8, two kids together (plus my eldest from previous relationship).

But there’s been nothing awful, eg no cheating, no abuse. But it’s just so unhappy. It’s full of arguments. No intimacy (me). No love. No time together because nothing to talk about and therefore the cycle goes on: no talking so no time together. We have my parents who could have the kids (they already do loads of school runs etc though so would be taking the piss to ask for more) but I’d be so tense and uncomfortable with nothing to talk about. We’re basically strangers these days.

We can’t afford counselling. We can’t afford to divorce. So what?

We’ve tried to talk over the years multiple times about this. No change lasts. It’s been years and years of loneliness to be honest.

Im 38 and him 45 if it makes any difference, probably not.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Do you work? Do you have Employee Assistance Program at work? There is free counselling available and it’s confidential.

could you go on a walk together? Are you just unhappy because life is so hard and you think it’s his fault? He might be really struggling too. Having young children is really really hard. You must have loved him at one stage. Is there anything there at all?

Yes we both work full time. I’m not sure about counselling through work but yes I could look into that, thank you.

Im unhappy for a whole host of reasons which I’m sure he is too. Ultimately the love has gone. We’re not even friends.

Why can’t you afford to divorce?. Do not kick the dam down the road. Have you sought any legal advice re separation and divorce?. Knowledge is power.

What are you both modelling to your children here?. It must be pretty miserable for them too because even if if you are not arguing directly they will
pick up on all the vibes. I am certain all
your children will be relieved if you did finally split up.

Are you staying for the sake of the children because if you are I would urge you to think again. You’re both teaching them very damaging lessons about relationships and ones they could well
go onto emulate themselves. This should not be their norm.

Better surely for all concerned to be apart and potentially happier than to be in this miserable marriage that has long since died.

It would be so easy if you could walk away and start again cleanly but you are married with children so it’s so so hard to untangle yourself.
Did you get married in a church?
Is there a way of availing of free counselling offered by them?

is there anything hope at of you getting away for a night, even alone just to look after yourself and give yourself some time to think and a break from your children.

We can’t afford to divorce because of very complicated financial issues.

Well no wonder you are having relationship
issues of you have no money. That’s really hard.

Could you pull together one last time then if there is no way out?

We could afford a premier inn type night away perhaps. But it would be a waste as we’d sit in silence.

Are you depressed?

I am certain your kids would not buy that as an excuse not to divorce. So called complicated financial issues can be resolved ultimately even if you had to employ the service of a forensics accountant.

Err what a response. No thanks I’m not. I’m just miserable.

Do you have full access to money?. Joint bank account?.

Does he only give you money when you are short because you have to pay for all the kids stuff out of your wages?.

The house is solely in my name, deeds and mortgage. But I’d have to give him half legally and I’m just not doing that. No way.

So you would rather stay in a miserable nations eith all being miserable around you because of a house?. Are you certain you would lose half , what have you based that on?.

Maybe not!!

Glad you are not depressed, don’t let this grind you down. There is always always a way out.

Why be so defensive? Weird reaction

Not certain no, but that’s the legal starting point. Even a 40/60 split is not ok.

Have you actually taken legal advice about the finances? If you owned the house prior to this marriage and it's the long term home of your oldest child, the 50/50 is unlikely to be applied. You might also be able to offset so.e of the equity in the house against his pension. Do get qualified advice.

If you refuse to give him half (probably a lot less if you are the main carer) then either suck it up or one of you dies. Those are your choices.

Personally i think no house is worth 40 years of misery.

Edit - agree with pp. Look at the rest of assets including pensions. I managed to get most of the house by leaving his pension alone. Is that doeable?

I would urge you to seek qualified legal advice rather than relying on mere supposition.

Why shouldn’t he get some of the house, if you have been married all these years?

Which are?

Try an app called paired. It worked really well for us. Got us talking about things we never would.

Personal

Cool 😂 You just came for a rant then, yeah? Not actual advice?

You have to choose. You can choose to take the financial hit and have to lose a share of the assets you think of as yours.

Or you can live miserably and share the assets for all intents and purposes but continue to think of them as yours.