Definitely need help

[defoneedanamechange]

Our marriage is broken. Dead. Horrendous. Together 14 years, married 8, two kids together (plus my eldest from previous relationship).

But there’s been nothing awful, eg no cheating, no abuse. But it’s just so unhappy. It’s full of arguments. No intimacy (me). No love. No time together because nothing to talk about and therefore the cycle goes on: no talking so no time together. We have my parents who could have the kids (they already do loads of school runs etc though so would be taking the piss to ask for more) but I’d be so tense and uncomfortable with nothing to talk about. We’re basically strangers these days.

We can’t afford counselling. We can’t afford to divorce. So what?

We’ve tried to talk over the years multiple times about this. No change lasts. It’s been years and years of loneliness to be honest.

Im 38 and him 45 if it makes any difference, probably not.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

I think you're looking at it the wrong way round.

Because you have already given him half effectively. That ship sailed when you married, stayed married for x amount of time and didn't ringfence your assets beforehand.

You're not saving yourself a financial loss by staying in the marriage, it's already happened. The assets are jointly owned.

You can sit tight and hope he croaks before you do and leaves you his share but that's the only way you're coming out with what you started with.

You're in your 30s, you can rebuild financial security etc. You never get years of your life back. How do you want to spend them?

Your assets are already half his. Agree with PP

You are so young OP, and from your description of your relationship it sounds truly broken. Do you have any points of connection or anything to work with between you and your husband? If not and your marriage is beyond repair then this is no way to live and must be impacting on your children.
As the house is yours then you can ask him to leave but as you're married you have to be prepared to split the assets. However, do nothing before you have sought financial advice, let that be your first step so you know exactly where you stand.

You choose to stay as you are, or rip off the plaster, sort out the finances, and free yourself.
Find a solicitor that does a free half hour, it’s very empowering.
Either way, you’re married so 50% is the starting point whether you like it or not.

I can understand feeling peed off because of the financial implications - but if you aren’t prepared to split due to this then there are no other options - he can’t be very happy either . Why not try a 6 month separation and separate homes? Sometimes a bit of absence can reignite a connection -

Depends on where the kids are living! Doesn’t have to be half!

You’ll obviously need more bedrooms than him and it will be based on needs. You don’t have to hand over half of your house. I’d start by asking him to move out. OP you’ll be happier apart.

And yes I took way more than half the assets as the kids primarily reside with me.

You're right, the likelihood is it wouldn't be 50/50, but OP has said 60/40 isn't OK either and sounds like she's not willing to give up much of it.

I think she has to be realistic and stop thinking of the house etc as hers.

It's not and hasn't been for a long time. It's theirs. Bitter pill, I'm sure, but staying in the marriage isn't keeping her assets, it's just continuing to share them.