My 13 year old DS and my ex

[SoSadSoSadSoSad]

We live in EU. My ex lives in UK. 3 dcs. 18. 16. 13. 18 year old at university in UK.

We came here for ex’s job. He lost it. Went back to London for work. Lockdown happened. Dcs and I stayed. I got us citizenship.

Ex was highly abusive. Screaming fits at me. Occasionally violent. Adulterous. Racked up big debts. Missing money etc. I think he has a serious personality disorder because he accepts no responsibility or even admits any of it.

I held it all together and we are separated divorce pending.

I got kids into a school after their private international school fees were no longer possible.

Ds13 decided he hates this school. Misbehaves. Disruptive. Has been suspended for three days. The school is fine. Ds has a fantasy about U.K. schools. He wants to go to school in the U.K. Ex h says he can live with him and go to a private school. Ex h has been verbally abusive to all my DCs. I worry and I warn ds13. He doesn’t care. The prospect of another private school to him is very alluring.

Ex h said ds13 does not like me. Does not like living with me. And prefers ex h and wants to live with him. He told me with such glee. All confirmed by ds13 to my face.

I know why he doesn’t like me. I’m the one that gets him out of bed, nags him to do homework, tidy his room etc. He is not an easy kid. But then what teen is? But when I heard he actively dislikes me, I am heartbroken.

Ex h of course is delighted. He said to me with his face contorted in hate that revenge is sweet and that he wants me to lie awake at night dreading and wondering what is going to happen to me. All because he believes I alienated the DCs from him when he assaulted me and they refused to see him for ten months. I didn’t. And also because I expressed reservations about ds13 living with him.

Ds13 doesn’t even speak to me. He shuts his bedroom door. Doesn’t communicate. He’s very chatty with his dad. Told his dad I didn’t feed him 😮 and that he dislikes me intensely. He refuses counselling. Wants nothing to do with me.

I seriously am so hurt. But also really angry. He told my abuser that he doesn’t like me and that I don’t feed him. That he reports on me to ex h. Which of course is used against me by ex h.

I have told ds13 he can go to UK. I will not stand in his way. Ex h’s mask may slip and he may get shouted at and threatened. Ex h may think he has ‘won’ but I don’t care about that.

When ds13 goes to school in the UK, I just want to fade from his view. Fade from his life. I simply cannot endure more kicks in the teeth. I have tried so hard to hold this family together after years of abuse and misery. And they just flock to their dad because he has money and can do loads of things with them.

If I thought it was just a school issue then I could be ok with that. Even though I know exh can’t really afford the school. He’s deluded financially.

But it’s just the pain of more kicks and cruelty. I have had enough. I just want to step away from ds13 and leave him to it with my ex. Let them bitch about me and let him be poisoned against me. So be it. I just feel broken. Ex h has used this an opportunity to show hate and cruelty. Ds13 seems perfectly happy about it. He heard what ex h said about revenge, how I apparently tore the family apart etc.

I am not strong enough to take more misery. I think if I don’t see ds13 for a couple of years or more then that would be best. I know that makes me a shit parent but I just don’t want to be lined up for more rejection and endure the glee from ex h.

What I envisioned for my family is nothing like this. It’s all so toxic and hopeless. I don’t think I deserved the way things have turned out so horribly. I just want to walk away. I don’t want to martyr myself for horribleness anymore.

I think you absolutely should let him go to the UK. There is no point in you refusing as it's not good for either of you. Don't tell him that you are effectively washing your hands off him though, just say you will always love him and if he ever needs you he should get in touch. Tell him that you hope everything will go well for him in the UK, but if it doesn't you will help him in any way you can.

I can see that you see a lot of your ex in him and that's why you are so angry, but he might have to see for himself how his dad actually is. He is probably a bit too young to remember how it was when you were together.

It's a horrible situation you have been put in, but try not to be reactive. Just be as stable as you can be.

No. He knows how his father is. He was exposed to it. And he’s seems recordings my other dcs showed him.

I’m not sure I can keep my door open for yet more kicks in the teeth. Over and over. He’s happy to align with my abusive ex then he should totally go for it.

Ah, that's a shame. Hopefully he is not a lost cause but he is at an age when he can decide who he wants to live with unfortunately. Just try and make the transition as smooth and drama free would be my suggestion.

Yes absolutely drama free. It’s far more than a shame though when a kid chooses an abusive man to live with. But I’m not going to fight it.

I know you're angry and hurt OP, but your son is still a child, a male child at that and at 13 has very few reasoning or decision making skills. Plus he has a nasty bastard father pouring poison into his ear.

I think you just have to be the bigger person here OP, let him go but tell him you'll be there for him. Don't cut him off, it'll just feed into his father's narrative that you're in the wrong. Grey rock any nasty comments from either of them.

No you don't deserve this but at the same time you're the only decent adult in this situation, your son will come back once he realises his dads a twat.

Be strong OP 💐

What @Likeoohlaalaala said, a very good response.

No. I won’t cut him off. But I really think he should stick with his decision now and stay put permanently. . I don’t think his coming back at all is the answer especially if his father turns him in a mini version of him.

And I think I will call him once a week, be very neutral, discourage any visits at least for the first year so he can settle in properly.

I can’t afford the flights anyway.

He is 13, and a traumatised 13 at that. They can talk the talk at 13, but they really are kids. Don't write him off yet. Let him go, tell him you love him and will always hold a space for him in your heart and home. He will realize what his dad is like soon enough. Let him not then have no one to turn to.

Discouraging visits for a year is...insane sorry
I realise you're hurt and traumatised but your 13 year old child is going to go and live with his abusive parent and you want to stop seeing him? That's awful.

No. He said to me quite coldly, deliberately and clearly that he dislikes me. He does not want to live here in this house with me. It wasn’t just the schooling. He wants to get away from me.

Much to the delight of his father.

Now, if he feels that way I am not going to suggest he comes to visit etc. He has made his feelings very clear. I will leave him to it.

He knows exactly what his father is like. Yet he has chosen him. So that is how it will be.

He doesn’t want to see me. So I won’t even have to discourage visits. My daughter and other son think he’s bonkers for making this decision to live with a man who is capable of awful behaviour.

You ds is 13.
He doesn't see your abuser, he sees his dad.

13 year olds don't have the empathy and emotional intelligence of adults, especially when they are likely carrying some trauma ( that ds probably doesn't even recognise).
Having no contact with ex at all sounds like a good option. He's not even in the same country as you. Solicitors all the way.

His dad verbally abused him too. Terrified him.

Another vote here to let him go but tell him you love him and will welcome him back any time he changes his mind. He is a child. Hopefully he will see he has made a mistake. If not, just remember you can’t change someone else’s behaviour, only your own. Refuse to be abused.

Let him go. He is of the age where he seriously thinks his dad is going to let him live the life he wants - skipping school, doing what he wants, having money thrown at him. When the reality starts to kick in you have to make him able to step down without losing face, which really means telling him he can come back if ever he decides he wants to.

He's got a sibling at Uni in the UK, so he would have back up if things went completely pear-shaped presumably? Would that sibling also be willing to have a quiet word about how things with dad might not work out the way your DS thinks it will? But basically at 13 he's not going to listen to sense. He's not going to listen to your reason. You have to let him live the reality but always know that you love him and will have him back in a heartbeat.

He’s 13. You need to show more emotional maturity than him and currently you are not.

I have done nothing. I’m being very neutral.

I am respecting his preferences. I haven’t fallen down sobbing when he said that, putting emotional pressure on him.

I am simply backing off. Acknowledging and accepting his choices.

He is being awful to you because you are the 'safe parent', the one he knows loves him. He knows his father's love is conditional and so he seeks his approval. Because at 13 he doesn't see it as 'my dad's shit and if he doesn't love me it's because he's a shit', he sees, 'if either of my parents don't love me, it's because I am unlovable.'

So he tests your love (as all teens test their parents - 'will you still love me if I say I hate you?' 'will you love me if I disagree with you?' etc is what goes on unconsciously in their heads), but he doesn't dare test his father's love.

You are having difficulty dealing with the aftermath of the abuse as an adult. He was abused as a child, and is still one. How much harder for him to deal with? And how much harder if his 'safe' parent then rejects him?

Personally I'd either shut it down and tell him he can live with his father when he is 18. Or I'd let him go but keep the communication channels VERY open.

But please, don't keep on seeing him as the enemy. He's a very damaged little boy who is struggling with his trauma. If you can't deal with any more 'kickings', how much less is he able to deal with his trauma?

Lastly - you need to be No Contact with your ex. Only ever communicate via a parenting app, and only to do with practicalities regarding the children. Ignore anything else.

Once he goes to the UK you will be able to love him again and worry about him. Just say you can come back any time you want even if it's not what you want at that moment, it's what he needs to know, that he still has a soft place to fall.

You're putting a lot on to your son here, he's a child, and a child cannot process that abuse and trauma like you have.

Even kids who don't have shit fathers have told their parents they hate them, they don't love them, blah blah, it's up to you as a parent to rise above that. He's testing waters, pushing boundries, being a teenager who has grown up in an abusive household and has zero idea how to process what he went through. He likely needs some counselling, and the very last thing he needs is his mother saying she doesn't want to see him for a year cos he hurt her feelings.

I'll say once more, he's a child!!

The role of a parent isn’t to be neutral though, especially when the other parent is abusive. The role of a parent is unconditional love and support. Has he even done anything other than say he doesn’t like you? And now you are ‘discouraging visits’. No wonder he doesn’t like you - you’re failing him!

Can you not see how shit that must be for him - one abusive parent, the other being ~neutral. The kid’s got no chance.

Take it one step at a time, don’t put anymore emotional stuff on your son, he’s a damaged child, as hurt and angry as you are you have to relate to him where he is, as a confused child, be the adult and protecter he needs, keep emotions, guilt, pain etc to a minimum

I can’t protect him when he goes to the U.K.

His dad is charm personified. Father Christmas dad. But poisonous about me.

I don’t want it put anything on ds13 at all. He doesn’t want affection from me. He doesn’t want to talk to me. I don’t want to add to that by insisting we talk.

I have taken him to a child psychologist and a counsellor. Both times he refused to go after four or five sessions.

He is telling me to back off. Go away. Leave him to it. He’s adamant he knows what he wants.

He is telling me to back off. Go away. Leave him to it. He’s adamant he knows what he wants.

Of course he's adamant - he's 13, it's their job to think they're right all the time.

But it's your job as his mother to always be there for him no matter what.

Let him go. Keep in contact by phone / text / zoom. Keep the door open for visits or if he wants to come back. Try to understand that his behaviour is coming from a place of hurt.