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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What's the best way to get out of this situation

36 replies

RemiLuma · 12/02/2026 17:05

My partner 27/M and I 25/F have been together for 2 years and have a one year old daughter. At the moment we're living at my parents house. Mostly because they don't trust him

During this time I have noticed some rather unfortunate signs.

The first one is that he will do a deep clean when he's "in pain" and go "see you can clean when in pain". For context I have pcos and endo. So it takes me a little longer to clean up. And he usually gets grumpy it takes too long and does it himself.

When it comes to decisions on the baby I usually have to constantly bring something up before he does it. Like real food for example, he wouldn't introduce it to her until she turned 1, although we could be giving her tiny bits of banana from 6 months. Even though I asked to do it. The same thing happened with the formula milk too.

He's on a lot more money than I am, and he constantly brings up how he's buying everything for her while I'm not. For context, after rent and bills I have like £150 to last me the month. For context I only work part time so I can have more time with her. The last two months I got more money because I asked for more hours. So I paid for a lot of the stuff like clothes and nappies. When I made a joke about it he was like, "see it's not easy being the one to pay for everything"

The other thing is, he pressures me into sex. I will say no to him and he will keep trying to have sex, until I eventually say yes.

He wanted me to be a housewife and not contribute to the financial situation at first.

I've never used endo or PCOS to get out of daily tasks, I only take it at a slow pace when I'm in a significant amount of pain.

With both my PCOS and endo diagnoses, he dismissed it and said "your pain isn't as bad as mine". Which honestly I can't comment on, because our pain is different. And he will also make digs on my eating habits (which has gotten significantly better since I'm taking it seriously) and steal my snacks. As well as making comments on how I should do core exercises.

I know it's a toxic relationship, and that it will affect our daughter. I'm just not sure how to end it.

OP posts:
ItsOnlyHobnobs · 12/02/2026 17:10

Do you feel in danger/unsafe around him?

You sit him down and say you don’t want to continue to be in a relationship with him. He’s employed and earning, he needs to move out of your parents home. you put in a claim for child maintenance payments.

Are your family supportive?

Original poster
RemiLuma · 12/02/2026 17:13

My parents are really supportive and have helped me see the patterns. They want me to decide on my own about what to do. They know most of the things.
I don't feel unsafe around him, besides the sex bit and the emotional side

OP posts:
something2say · 12/02/2026 17:15

You make plans behind his back and to an extent set them into motion.
Then you sit him down and tell him, don't ask him - 'tell him' that you are leaving him.
Give him a half hour to come to terms with it, during which you use the broken record technique where you repeat a short sentence kindly.
Then get away from him, best if he will leave, but if nothing else get into a different room - arrange what you will do afterwards to keep a distance from him.

Original poster
RemiLuma · 12/02/2026 17:22

something2say · 12/02/2026 17:15

You make plans behind his back and to an extent set them into motion.
Then you sit him down and tell him, don't ask him - 'tell him' that you are leaving him.
Give him a half hour to come to terms with it, during which you use the broken record technique where you repeat a short sentence kindly.
Then get away from him, best if he will leave, but if nothing else get into a different room - arrange what you will do afterwards to keep a distance from him.

Thank you, that's really helpful

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 12/02/2026 17:23

Your parents are right. This man is no good for you or your child.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 12/02/2026 17:30

Coercive control at the least. Your parents are right to be worried. My advice would be to break this relationship but be prepared for him to fight it. He should leave your parents house immediately. Don't fall into the trap of defending yourself or feeling sorry for him. And don't agree to anything he says. Your mantra should be, "I'll think about that."

Daleksatemyshed · 12/02/2026 17:59

It's a good thing you live with your parents Op, he can't refuse to leave when it's their house. Apart from necessary contact about your DC don't interact with him once he's gone, he'll try and wear you down so you go back to him. He very much wants to be in control so you need to be strong and move on

momager22 · 12/02/2026 18:46

Do your parents know he has sex with you when you expressly tell him you don’t want to?
That’s actually assault op. Im so sorry.

Original poster
RemiLuma · 12/02/2026 18:54

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 12/02/2026 17:30

Coercive control at the least. Your parents are right to be worried. My advice would be to break this relationship but be prepared for him to fight it. He should leave your parents house immediately. Don't fall into the trap of defending yourself or feeling sorry for him. And don't agree to anything he says. Your mantra should be, "I'll think about that."

Thank you, the past week I've been reflecting a lot on this, and I'm not sure what the situation was

OP posts:
Original poster
RemiLuma · 12/02/2026 18:56

momager22 · 12/02/2026 18:46

Do your parents know he has sex with you when you expressly tell him you don’t want to?
That’s actually assault op. Im so sorry.

I haven't told them that bit, because I'm worried that it will change the dynamic a lot. They've been helping me with coming to terms with what's been happening and helping me find a way to resolve this. I'll tell them when the situation has resolved. I have spoke to a close friend about this and they made me realise the seriousness of what he did.

OP posts:
Fireflybaby · 12/02/2026 19:56

Please do tell him to pack and leave. This is coercive control. And if you see him changing his attitude in a bad way, prepare to call the police for coercive control and sexual assault.

Pearlstillsinging · 12/02/2026 19:58

More red flags than a Communist Conference, imo but tbh if you are not enjoying the relationship, it doesn't matter what I or anyone else thinks, you should end the relationship.
As you are living in your parents home, it should be easy for you to ask him to leave. Explain that you don't see a future for you as partners but that you know he will want to spend time with his DS and support her financially going forward.

Then leave the room and let your parents see him out with his belongings.

Emmz1510 · 12/02/2026 20:07

This is the best time to get rid of him, while you are living with your parents and they can support you in telling him to leave. Do you not have your own or a shared tenancy? We probably need to know more about your housing situation to give the proper advice. But yes, this has red flags all over.

BoredZelda · 12/02/2026 20:09

RemiLuma · 12/02/2026 18:56

I haven't told them that bit, because I'm worried that it will change the dynamic a lot. They've been helping me with coming to terms with what's been happening and helping me find a way to resolve this. I'll tell them when the situation has resolved. I have spoke to a close friend about this and they made me realise the seriousness of what he did.

Show quote history

Change the dynamic how?

Given you are living with your parents, this is a really straightforward problem to solve. “We are over, you must leave” the your parents accompany him in packing his bag and see him out the door. The rest of his stuff will be packed up and ready for him to collect in a week.

MadinMarch · 12/02/2026 20:20

RemiLuma · 12/02/2026 17:13

My parents are really supportive and have helped me see the patterns. They want me to decide on my own about what to do. They know most of the things.
I don't feel unsafe around him, besides the sex bit and the emotional side

The 'sex bit and the emotional side' are huge!
Tell him to leave and live your beat life with your daughter.

MadinMarch · 12/02/2026 20:24

MadinMarch · 12/02/2026 20:20

The 'sex bit and the emotional side' are huge!
Tell him to leave and live your beat life with your daughter.

Show quote history

Best, not beat!

Shedmistress · 12/02/2026 20:36

You tell your parents about the whole shitshow and you kick him out.

NoFreeName · 12/02/2026 20:38

Sounds like my ex, financial control and belittling ( look how much money I make and pay for everything and you only work part -time, why you are crying that you are tired ). Pressure to have sex as well when all I felt was resentment.
Don’t waste more time, I lost 12 years before realising that this is not a normal or supportive treatment from so called “partner”.
Just show him the door, you are in a very good position having a roof over your head and supportive parents.

AuntiePat21 · 12/02/2026 20:47

I am astounded he is controlling you in your parents home. Are you parents comfortable making him leave?

PaperMachePanda · 12/02/2026 20:56

Please speak to your parents about this and kick him out. Get the locks changed asap.

Endofyear · 12/02/2026 20:57

You tell him to pack his bags and leave. That's how you resolve it. He's an abusive arsehole.

TwistedWonder · 12/02/2026 21:13

Hrs an abusive controlling nasty cunt who sexually assaults you in your family home.
It does seem you rushed very quickly into getting pregnant by a man you barely knew and now you’re seeing his true arsehole colours and seeing he’s got more red flags than the Russian army.

Get him out of your parents home asap and tell them the truth about what’s gone on.

Pherian · 12/02/2026 23:02

RemiLuma · 12/02/2026 17:05

My partner 27/M and I 25/F have been together for 2 years and have a one year old daughter. At the moment we're living at my parents house. Mostly because they don't trust him

During this time I have noticed some rather unfortunate signs.

The first one is that he will do a deep clean when he's "in pain" and go "see you can clean when in pain". For context I have pcos and endo. So it takes me a little longer to clean up. And he usually gets grumpy it takes too long and does it himself.

When it comes to decisions on the baby I usually have to constantly bring something up before he does it. Like real food for example, he wouldn't introduce it to her until she turned 1, although we could be giving her tiny bits of banana from 6 months. Even though I asked to do it. The same thing happened with the formula milk too.

He's on a lot more money than I am, and he constantly brings up how he's buying everything for her while I'm not. For context, after rent and bills I have like £150 to last me the month. For context I only work part time so I can have more time with her. The last two months I got more money because I asked for more hours. So I paid for a lot of the stuff like clothes and nappies. When I made a joke about it he was like, "see it's not easy being the one to pay for everything"

The other thing is, he pressures me into sex. I will say no to him and he will keep trying to have sex, until I eventually say yes.

He wanted me to be a housewife and not contribute to the financial situation at first.

I've never used endo or PCOS to get out of daily tasks, I only take it at a slow pace when I'm in a significant amount of pain.

With both my PCOS and endo diagnoses, he dismissed it and said "your pain isn't as bad as mine". Which honestly I can't comment on, because our pain is different. And he will also make digs on my eating habits (which has gotten significantly better since I'm taking it seriously) and steal my snacks. As well as making comments on how I should do core exercises.

I know it's a toxic relationship, and that it will affect our daughter. I'm just not sure how to end it.

Here is how you deal with it. You tell your parents what’s going on and that you need their help getting them to leave. They will want to involve the police and rightfully so - you need to do that. You need to cooperate fully with whatever your parents and the police tell you to do.

Next get yourself on birth control and stay on it. Get yourself into therapy - while I appreciate that you are a victim - you’re quite naive about men, the world, your own body. You lack boundaries and self respect. If you don’t wisen up and sort yourself out - it’s your child who will suffer the most. You know this is wrong and every day and week and month it carry’s on is a choice. You know what you need to do, so do it.

Im angry for you, your child and your parents.

Do the right thing by your child.

Patchworkquilts · 12/02/2026 23:07

Op, do you realise the proper name for the “secxual bit” is rape? He is coercing you into something you do not want to do. That is rape.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 12/02/2026 23:09

I would honestly report the sexual assault and coercive control to police. Him pushing you to have sex you don’t want is rape, whether or not you want to think of it that way.

When you leave him he will want to use your child as another way to continue abusing and controlling you, so it’s important that you have a record of the ways he has already abused you. Every time he is difficult or abusive to you, record it - hopefully he puts it in a text or email if you insist on written communication “to prevent you forgetting or getting confused” or something. Good luck, I’m glad your parents are supportive and you have a roof over your heads. That’s the main things sorted.