Can’t get over betrayal

[BrinkOrSink]

So long story short, I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, married for 11.
We have two children and on several occasions my husband has broken my trust by watching/paying live cam girls.
The first time it happened I told him it was something I was uncomfortable with in our relationship. The second time it happened, I reminded him that I thought it was unacceptable.
The third time it happened I was 7 months pregnant with a toddler and found out he had been trying to cover it up for months.
He knew the consequences so lied about it all and when it all came out I asked him to leave.
After a few days struggling on my own I felt like I had no choice to take him back.
This was 5 years ago now and despite having marriage and solo therapy, I can’t seem to move on from what happened.
There’s been a wall between us ever since, I’m resentful and repulsed by what he did.
My mental health has took a nose dive this past year and I think it’s because deep down I feel like I’m wasting my life stuck waiting for my feelings to change.
He really is a good dad, he swears he hasn’t been on those websites since and never be stupid enough to do it again but I don’t believe him. He says he’s willing to do anything to regain my trust but I don’t know how that can happen.
Is there any hope?

Nope, and I personally wouldn’t hang around in this relationship. The first time it happened would have been game over for me but certainly by the second and third times I’d have been long gone.

Hope that you’ll wake up, get some self respect, and divorce this man that cheats on you and lies to you? Yes, hopefully.

If you don’t trust him and he hasn’t been able to gain your trust in the last five years, then I expect you will never trust him. In my experience you cannot have a loving and fulfilling relationship without trust. It is completely understandable that you were disgusted with his behaviour and he lied multiple times so your feelings towards sound fair and reasonable.

He can make all the promises but he's lied to you before so that he could get away with his behaviour. He may well regret what he's done, he may well have changed (but please be aware that porn use escalates, unless he has had treatment for his habit he's unlikely to have stopped using this kind of content completely), but none of that takes away that he deliberately chose to do what he did whilst keeping you as his wife and mother to his children.

Your feelings are unlikely to change because he has broken your trust. It's been five years and he hasn't been able to mend that broken trust, funnily enough.

Listen to your doubts, listen to your distaste, they are trying to tell you something

You can't make yourself feel something. Most of us have been in the position of wanting to feel something we can't.

You need to tell him the only possible way it will happen is if he proves, permanently, he is beyond reproach. But you also need to know it still might not happen. Probably better not to tell him that though.

I'm sorry OP but he won't have changed.
He will just be better at hiding it from you.

He cheated on you repeatedly with these sex workers, including when you were pregnant and had a child. If he was a "goiod dad" he would not have done that. He would have had respect for the mother of his children. The woman who he took vows to and who was supposed to be his life partner.

If you seperate from this man of course it will be difficult at first adjusting to a new life. But honestly your self esteem and mental health will improve significantly. And life has got to be better for you than it is currently.

Perhaps you should start seeking advice as to how you would stand financially and practically if you seperate from this cheating, disgusting man.

Thanks all.
Just to clarify - cam girls are like live porn. So he used to log on to a website to see a woman performing for other men. Then you can pay £10 to request they do something personally for you. He has never physically cheated on me.

I think catching your H three times with sex workers is a good enough reason to never trust him again, or want to be married to him.

You say ‘he knew the consequences’ but there aren’t any. You’ve shown him he can get away with being a lying cheating sleaze time and time again and you’ll forgive him.

He’s not a good dad or a decent man because they don’t behave like porn addled creeps who would rather spend money to knock one out for a random sex worker than respect their wife and kids. I don’t know how you can look at him tbh

Knocking one out watching another woman is cheating in most people’s opinion.

The trust is gone. He will still be paying for cam girls I'm afraid

Op - of course this is cheating. I wonder what else you’ve been gaslit about.

I don't know if this helps at all. I decided to forgive my wife after I found out she was having an affair. It didnt mean we were ok or that I could forget what she did. It also didn't mean I wanted to continue with the marriage.

I forgave her for myself. I had enough to deal with without resentment or anger towards her. I explained this to her at the time.
It wasn't easy and it didn't stop the resentment altogether. It just gave me something I could rest on.

We came very close to divorce but something happened that re-lit the spark and now we are in a good place and still together. We talk about growing old together again.

I never understood when people said forgiveness is as much for you as the other person. It was an alien concept to me. But then when I was hit in the face with my new reality it made sense. I am glad I made that decision, not because we ended up staying together but because it helped me deal with the heartbreak.

What your husband did was awful and entirely disrespectful to you.

I hope my story helps even in a small way to not keep you together but give you something that might help with the resentment.

@AnonymouseDad What do you think ‘relit the spark’?
I don’t understand when you say you forgave her like it was a choice. It feels physically impossible for me.

So, what were the consequences?

The spark came quite a while later. We'd decided to separate.
We actually got along much better during that time. She was so different, the weight of the secret was lifted but she wasn't taking full responsibility so I couldn't stay. By that I mean she accepted it was wrong and a mistake but there was always a change of subject or unwillingness to talk about it or just deflection.

What lit the spark was me being an absolute liability in public. I always aim to make her or anyone smile or laugh. And if its at my expense then thats fine too. I've never taken myself to seriously.
I did something truelly embarrassing while taking our son to one of his clubs. And if I say ive had my trousers fall down while shopping in tescos and asking a lady where something was but this was 100x more embarrassing with only myself to blame.
I couldn't keep it to myself. So I sent the details of my embarrassment to my wife by multiple text malessages. Eeking out the humiliation.

And it made her full on cry laugh. Our daughter was with her and said it looked like she broke. She laughed hard and then cried and went back and forth for quite a while. Then she stopped and said oh my god I do love him.
That night she asked to talk and held nothing back. No more deflections. Everything out in the open from start to finish. Even now she still talks about it if needed or understands when I have an off day.

Before I could not understand the concept of forgiveness for something like this. To me it was black and white, you cheat and its over.
When faced with the reality and the pain. I just realised I had no room for hate, resentment or anger. None of those would serve me. They weren't things I ever wanted to feel especially towards my wife regardless of what happened.
And that allowed me to figure out what to do calmly. Up until that moment where she took full responsibility it was over and it hurt a lot but I was able to function and be there for the kids.

Did he go to therapy?

in my experience, they don’t change. I’m sorry OP, the only answer is to be brave and leave him. It’ll eat you alive, it’ll erode your confidence and self worth until there’s nothing left. Don’t waste your life with a man who doesn’t respect you.

Imagine little you. She's five years old, cute as a button. Is this the man she dreamed of ?

Leave.

@Bakest He did online CBT during Covid when he was struggling with his mental health. We also did several rounds of couples therapy but we didn’t find it beneficial.

I've had to do the 'forgiveness for myself' thing. Not in a relationship, but with a person who went out of their way to damage me and my life.

I was so eaten up by anger, resentment and hatred. I was the only one suffering, she was fine. I had to make an active decision to let it go. 100% for me, not for them. That doesn't mean I let them back into my life, but I did let go of the negativity. Not all at once. But it was the realisation that I was damaging myself with those awful feelings.

See if he agrees to install Truple on all his devices to prove his innocence to you, and to have an open phone policy with you. Although if you’ve absolutely lost all respect and attraction for him (understandable!) this won’t bring it back.

Think you need to try to get over this, you're destroying your marriage. What he did isn't so bad, no different from watching porn. Maybe therapy would help?

You could do this, and become his mother. And watch your own self respect chip away until you’re a shell. of a woman.

Or you could leave.

Doesn’t work, they just get a burner phone - I think it’s combination of an obsession/pure entertainment for some men -

Not all women are ok with porn use either and most are certainly not ok with live cams - it’s one step off visiting hookers