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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend and cleaning

54 replies

Loulou2980 · 10/02/2026 10:39

Me and my bf have always argued about the cleaning. He never does it, but it’s been more frequent now since having a baby, baby is 7 months. It’s the same conversation everytime. I ask him to help he says he will then lasts for 3 days and he goes back to his old self. Don’t get me wrong he’s an amazing dad he does his part when it comes to the baby however he neglects the house and it’s all left down to me. I am constantly overwhelmed or angry or exhausted and I hate living this way. I am a clean freak but I need some help. I am constantly having to clean something all the time. My entire day is basically waking up with baby looking after baby. Cleaning up in kitchen, doing laundry, cleaning baby bottles, cleaning toilet. It is just always something everyday. With the babies things I of course don’t mind at all it’s all part of being a mum but when it comes to constantly doing all the dishes and constantly doing all the food, planning the food shop, cleaning literally every other room. It’s becoming a lot and it feels never ending. It’s my mess plus babies plus partners and plus partners son on the weekends. I’m really beginning to think he’s not going to change. I sometimes feel like I’m being too hard on him and maybe I’m over reacting because when he does help clean for like 3 days and I tell him it needs to continue on for like every other day. He just throws it in my face and says I have helped clean. And calls me lazy because I relax when he does his half. All I’m asking is for 50/50. Just so I did get some time to myself or extra time with the baby or even so my brain isn’t constantly on overdrive. I just don’t know what to do at this point. He also doesn’t work right now and I’m on maternity leave.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 10/02/2026 10:46

The fact you see it as him helping you isn’t ok. Him helping you would mean it’s your job and responsibility and he’s doing you a favour. You are both adults living in a home who are jointly responsible for it’s up keep.

Sadly you knew he was like this before you decided to create a child with him. If he hasn’t changed by now he never will.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 10/02/2026 10:47

Put his shit in a black bag everytime and just dump it in a corner. Don't cook for him. Don't do his laundry.

Don't make a big deal of it but he will eventually notice. Yes, you'll still have to clean (it's that or live in filth) but it's a start.

Eventually, you're going to have to decide whether to tolerate him or leave. They NEVER change. You COULD insist on him paying a cleaner to do his share, but I doubt he'd go for that.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 10/02/2026 10:47

Ask him who will do it all when you leave him?

Mum2Fergus · 10/02/2026 10:50

He allows the mother of his child to become overwhelmed, angry and exhausted. He’s not an amazing Dad.

Myswweetchild · 10/02/2026 10:50

What does he do all day if he doesn't work ?!

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/02/2026 10:52

You may also need to lower your standards a bit. If you’re a clean freak and he isn’t then he’s never going to do things to your standard. Constantly cleaning isn’t a healthy way to live either, so you may need to meet him in the middle. He’s not helping by doing dishes or putting laundry on - it’s part of being an adult.

Theres also the thing that the household work has increased significantly as it does with a baby, if you’re doing it all he may simply not see how much the work has increased. Is he looking after the baby at weekends etc, are you taking yourself off out do he needs to get on with it?

Gamerlady · 10/02/2026 10:56

Just stop doing it, concentrate on the baby and soon as it resembles a shithole he may start doing something. If not maybe its time to kick him out. Also he isn't helping he lives there too.

RavenFinch · 10/02/2026 11:17

Mum2Fergus · 10/02/2026 10:50

He allows the mother of his child to become overwhelmed, angry and exhausted. He’s not an amazing Dad.

.... and these men always claim "I have no idea why my wife / partner / girlfriend went off sex" when their lack of effort causes their partner to be exhausted and fed up of the unequal relationship leading to resentment.

QuickPeachPoet · 10/02/2026 11:21

Is there somewhere else you can go for a few days?
When he texts and asks where you are say you can't live in a shit tip anymore and you will come home when it's cleaner.

Make it permanent if he doesn't change. Once you're back at work you won't have time to be doing it all.

wishingonastar101 · 10/02/2026 11:26

Just stop. Look after yourself and the baby and do nothing else...

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 10/02/2026 11:26

Well double down on contraception for starters and absolutely do not have another child with him.

He isnt "helping you"
I doubt you are a "clean freak"
Hes an "amazing dad"? Is he? Your own description makes him sound like a shit dad to me.

None of this language is helpful to you.

Do not touch your partners "mess" beyond moving it into a pile in the corner.
Dont wash his clothes and his sons
dont cook or feed him
dont tidy up after him - it goes in the pile.

Dont crack ... leave it.

Ypu need to be prepared to die on the hill or live a life of drudgery.

I'd give him a list of jobs - all related to him or his child(ren)

Wash your own clothes
Hang your own clothes.

"I have washed and hung the bedding can you fold and put it away"
"I am cooking dinner can you change the baby"

Do your clothes on mon and babies on tue so he cant interfere with your washing.

Loulou2980 · 10/02/2026 11:27

He wasn’t so bad before the baby arrived. I do agree my standards are way higher than his but I don’t expect to do the same as me. It’s his house I live there with him and the baby. I do want to leave and I have tried many times but he seems to sway me back, I don’t want my baby to have an unhappy mother. He watches the baby some weekends while I do have a day to myself but it’s a hassle. He says it’s fine for me to go out for the day but then his vibe is completely different. I’m not sure if I’m going crazy or not but he always insists he’s fine. As much as I’ve thought about leaving the mess I really can’t. I need a clean house otherwise I can’t relax. I have stopped doing his laundry. But I’m not sure how to work around everything else. It’s either do it or leave his part but the house stays dirty.

OP posts:
RocknRollBand · 10/02/2026 11:32

Amazing dad my arse. He’s a shit dad in every way.

Watches the baby! How very wonderful of him.

You want to leave so stop being swayed back. You don’t want to live like this for the next eighteen years. There’s plenty of support on absolutely everything here on MN. Ask about whatever you need to to get out of this situation.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 10/02/2026 11:40

I do want to leave and I have tried many times but he seems to sway me back You have a child now. You owe it to your child to give them a good life. Stop being weak and put your child first! None of this 'But I love him!' crap.

I don’t want my baby to have an unhappy mother. Exactly. Do what is right for your child.

He watches the baby some weekends while I do have a day to myself but it’s a hassle. He says it’s fine for me to go out for the day but then his vibe is completely different. I’m not sure if I’m going crazy or not but he always insists he’s fine. He's training you NOT to go out or he gets an attitude.

As much as I’ve thought about leaving the mess I really can’t. I need a clean house otherwise I can’t relax. I appreciate you still will need to clean. Don't cook. Don't do his laundry. Stop having sex with him. Tell him you're too tired from doing it all. Put his stuff that is lying around in one pile somewhere.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/02/2026 11:44

Just split up. He won’t change. He doesn’t want to or need to. Be a resentful skivvy or leave.

UnemployedNotRetired · 10/02/2026 11:46

To all those suggesting a split -- just to note it's a boyfriend and its his house, so 'rights' to anything beyond child maintenance may be zero.

Furlane · 10/02/2026 11:47

List all the tasks and split them proportionally (if he’s working full time and you’re at home, otherwise split 50/50).

For example he could take adult clothes washing (literally a 10min job, wash on overnight and hang up to dry in the morning), cleaning the bathroom, general dusting, changing the beds, and weekend meals. If he hates cleaning then he can outsource it. If he hates cooking and shopping he can get some of those food delivery ingredients boxes.

I hate cleaning and making beds and so get a cleaner in to do it. I like cooking, so I’m happy to take that job.

GreyCarpet · 10/02/2026 11:49

He wasn’t so bad before the baby arrived.

Wasn't he?

Or was the level of work that needed doing lower?

Eg no baby mess and more time.for you to get stuff done?

I do want to leave and I have tried many times but he seems to sway me back

Then this is the life you are choosing for yourself.

mondaytosunday · 10/02/2026 12:01

Can he afford to pay a cleaner? Getting the floors, kitchen and bathrooms, change the sheets will remove that chore. Of course he should do more, but if he won’t he should pay for someone to do his job.

InMyOodie · 10/02/2026 12:10

And calls me lazy because I relax when he does his half.

The 'lazy' comment is to train you to think cleaning is your responsibility as his slave. The nerve of him when he doesn't even work himself.

He's no conscience about you doing everything. He sees no reason to change.

Loulou2980 · 10/02/2026 12:13

I am being a weak person right now because I haven’t left him. I have said he can do the cleaning he likes or doesn’t mind doing and compromise that way. I’ll try and put his pile in the corner and not clean up after him or his son. I have no where else to go. Living with my dad and my nan is too overbearing and my nan treats me like a child and my own baby won’t be able to cry without her being annoyed. My mother and I get on but not under the same roof. And I have no one else. I don’t think he is going to change as much as I want him too I just need to grow up and make that decision to leave. He is an amazing dad, he is just neglecting me and the responsibilities we have eg the house. I am a very emotional and loving person so it is a lot easier said than done. He always tells me he will have no one else and it will break him if I leave and that hurts me too. My dream of a family feels like it’s dying. Thanks guys. Hearing it from people who don’t know me has really made me realise

OP posts:
singthing · 10/02/2026 12:16

"Don’t get me wrong he’s an amazing dad"

He absolutely is not. Stop kidding yourself. If he can't even contribute* to cleaning the home he shares with his child and the mother of his child, he is in NO WAY an amazing dad.

(* not "help"!)

LightYearsAgo · 10/02/2026 12:18

He doesn't work? What does he do all day?

Why are you doing everything? Your definition of of great dad must have a well low bar, what's an example of his great parenting?

tellmesomethingtrue · 10/02/2026 12:24

He is not an amazing Dad.
Why would you think you’re going crazy?
Stop cleaning up his crockery, laundry.

throwawayimplantchat · 10/02/2026 12:29

Why isn’t he working?

Does he game all day or something?