Boyfriend and cleaning

[Loulou2980]

Me and my bf have always argued about the cleaning. He never does it, but it’s been more frequent now since having a baby, baby is 7 months. It’s the same conversation everytime. I ask him to help he says he will then lasts for 3 days and he goes back to his old self. Don’t get me wrong he’s an amazing dad he does his part when it comes to the baby however he neglects the house and it’s all left down to me. I am constantly overwhelmed or angry or exhausted and I hate living this way. I am a clean freak but I need some help. I am constantly having to clean something all the time. My entire day is basically waking up with baby looking after baby. Cleaning up in kitchen, doing laundry, cleaning baby bottles, cleaning toilet. It is just always something everyday. With the babies things I of course don’t mind at all it’s all part of being a mum but when it comes to constantly doing all the dishes and constantly doing all the food, planning the food shop, cleaning literally every other room. It’s becoming a lot and it feels never ending. It’s my mess plus babies plus partners and plus partners son on the weekends. I’m really beginning to think he’s not going to change. I sometimes feel like I’m being too hard on him and maybe I’m over reacting because when he does help clean for like 3 days and I tell him it needs to continue on for like every other day. He just throws it in my face and says I have helped clean. And calls me lazy because I relax when he does his half. All I’m asking is for 50/50. Just so I did get some time to myself or extra time with the baby or even so my brain isn’t constantly on overdrive. I just don’t know what to do at this point. He also doesn’t work right now and I’m on maternity leave.

He isn’t an amazing Dad but you aren’t listening to that.

Does he also have a son or do you mean clean up after your baby?

it will break him if I leave

And yet.....
he isnt prepared to wash a few dishes and do a couple of loads of laundry and/or run a hoover around once a week....

He'd rather "break" 🧐

Its funny because I would def wash a few dishes if you alternative was my dh divorcing me and my child growing up in a broken home.

He is full of shit.... what he wants is for you to shut the fuck up and get back to assisting him in his life so he can do the bare minimum.

And he ISNT a great dad.
Rolling arpund on a floor and rough housing for 10mins a day isnt a great dad. Any gucker can do that.
A great dad leads by example and is patient and kind and funny and treats people (including you) with respect.

Please stop saying he is an amazing dad. All he cares about is you looking after him and his children and running around like a headless chicken cleaning his house. He will never change. Make a plan to leave him in the future and get a place for you and your baby to live in peace.

From experience, I would say leave now. I had constant battles with my late husband about this. It won't get better. If I reminded him, he did it, but it wasn't an automatic thing for him to just do housework. I felt like I was a supervisor.
If you were by yourself, you could be clean and tidy.
If he's upset, that is his problem. Hopefully he will learn.
And it's not 'helping out '. It's behaving like an adult.

It's your house - did i get that right?

And he doesn't work???

He doesn't do any housework?

You have an expensive, messy, unwanted pet. At best.

@FeedingPidgeons it's his house. Op doesn't have anywhere to go.
He's not working at the moment - I, too, would love to know what he does all day.
A pp suggested gaming... 🤔

OP in what way is he an amazing dad?

Lazy men aren't incredible partners or parents.

He will not change.

He’s not an amazing dad. He is a below average dad who doesn’t think he has to contribute to providing his 7 month old with a clean and tidy environment.
He’s not an amazing dad because he isn’t listening to the mother of his child, his life partner, who is asking him to pitch in.
He isn’t an amazing dad because he is not working and nor is he being a fully functioning adult who is sharing chores equally
He isn’t an amazing dad because he is happy for you to get stressed and overwhelmed rather than find a compromise.
You say you are on maternity leave - so you have a job to go back to?
You say it is house - are you married? (Guessing not)
You say he persuades you to stay when you try to leave - how does he do this? False promises? Emotional blackmail? Threats?

He is an amazing dad, he is just neglecting me and the responsibilities we have

Can you not see the contradiction here?

He is neglecting the mother of his child so much so that she is unhappy, unsupported and unable to prioritise her child or look after her own methal and physical wellbeing. That is an important part of being a dad.

He doesn't take responsibility so he feels no accountability. He doesn't work so he cannot even claim that he is a 'provider'. He doesn't take responsibility for the living environment. That is also an important tpart of being a dad.

Let's take your comment that he does his fair share when it comes to the baby at face value. What does that include? Bathing? Clothing (including laundering and replacing outgrown clothes)? Comforting? Settling? Getting up at night? Doing bedtime routines? Playing? Washing/bathing? Teethbrushing?Supporting enrichment and mental, emotional and physical development? Does he fully engage with your child? Which of these does he actually, honestly and consistently do? Because these are all things that babies need.

So, I'll echo the question of others. How, exactly, is he an amazing dad?

Oops, misread it - thanks for correcting me!

So why can't he do all the looking after the baby while you clean, he can do the feeding, changing nappies, putting to bed seeing as he isn't working, or does he think that's your job?

We share the changing and feeding. I usually do all babies laundry, bedtime routine. He baths the baby everytime while I moisturise the baby and get him ready for bed. He doesn’t get up in the night. He fully engages with the baby. He doesn’t really always stick to routine that we agreed on. The baby is always smiling and giggly during playtime with his dad it’s adorable. My partner puts a lot of effort into playtime.

Move out, OP. He does not respect you or care about you. He is lazy and selfish - and men like this never, ever change. Been there got the t-shirt.

You will find happiness not living with a lazy, messy partner. And you will be so thankful you left.

Wtf? He isn't working, and yet you're doing all the housework and most of the childcare. He plays nicely with the baby? Slow handclap for him . Honestly, OP, he is taking you for an absolute mug.

I’m really beginning to think he’s not going to change.

Of course he is not going to change.

Aww he plays with his baby and bathes him. But does nothing else. 👏🏻 winner dad 🤦🏽‍♀️
But doesn’t provide for his baby
Doesn’t listen to his partner
Doesn’t contribute to running the house

My 12yr old did more when I had my youngest 🤣

So your partner engages with the lovely fun bits of being a parent, like bath time and playing but does absolutely nothing of any actual use? Why are you calling this man an amazing dad? An amazing dad wouldn’t let you handle 99% of the work and then kick off when you call him out.

I hate to say it but as women we need to do better and take accountability for the men we choose and stop making excuses for them. Why is the bar so low and why do so many women allow this?

@Loulou2980 is your partner off work due to sickness or claiming unemployment?

He doesn't sound like an amazing Dad to me- he just does some of the childcare and clearly is not happy to be left to it whilst you have a break. Unfortunately, you are not going to change him.

Older person here: My DH and I shared baby stuff, all of it. He also did lots of cleaning plus working shifts which changed weekly (lates, earlies, nights, days). What's the big deal about Dad's doing a share of household tasks. Even when DCs were older and I went back to FT work he added doing a good bit of the cooking or preparing food. You should be a Team doing what you are best at plus some.

Quite.

And he doesn’t work so he’s not even providing the absolute minimum.

Queeeen 👑 Yes!🙌 Well said 🤩

Get a cleaner and he can pay for it. I’ve just seen he isn’t working!!! Why on earth not? This just isn’t on at all.

He's not an amazing dad if he disrespects his child's mother.

And its not 'helping' to clean his own damn house.

Tell him straight that you are thinking of leaving him. That it's that bad. And that when you go, he will have to clean the ehold house himself and have the baby half the time too.