Ghosted - should I try to contact him?

[Shimla999]

I met this guy on Tinder in November 2023 and he lived fairly near my town. However, he was about to move to another country, over 2,000 away – a place where his mother was from and where he was born and grew up. Anyway, originally it was just for Christmas and to visit his cousin, but then he bought a house there etc. But I really enjoyed writing to him – his sense of humour made me laugh out loud. I know it’s not advisable to write for a long time without meeting, but I could not travel to where he was.

Anyway, we met in person in July 2024 and I thought he was lovely – better looking in real life than in photos, although it was his personality I was most attracted to. We kept on writing and met again when he had to travel to my country last October. He has been trying to sell his house for months now and said he was planning to come back to my area and buy an old house and do it up.

So, we wrote almost daily for 28 months, fun messages, supportive messages when one of us or our pets was ill, exchanging photos and videos etc. We had our own special language almost. It was lovely and has helped get me through some hard times. However, I do realise that it wasn’t a real ‘relationship’ as we did not spend enough time together in person, and there is a real danger of false intimacy in these kinds of situation. Fast forward to last Wednesday – we exchanged messages as usual – he sent a few photos of a hike and his dog too – and I sent an equally long message a few hours later.

Since then: radio silence. And it hurts a lot. Particularly since I am dealing with a lot of other things right now and really feel very vulnerable. He could well have met someone, or simply be tired of writing. That’s understandable. But why ghost me? It seems so hurtful and he must know that it will bother me.

I just don’t know what to do. Write and ask if he and his dog are OK? Or just try to move on and not write (which is very hard). I know he might not reply even if I do write, of course.

Thanks in advance for any advice on how to deal with this. By the way, I’ve archived the chat and removed the ‘last seen’ from his chat, to avoid me obsessively checking when he is on WhatsApp.

Wait it out. Who knows what’s happened.

Thanks, well, it's been 5 days, so I don't think he's going to write now. His dog is ill - has cancer - but he has been telling me about this and the possible operation it needs for weeks now. So, I don't think it's related to that. I just feel in limbo right now - confused, hurt and angry.

He's busy.

You have a pen pal type text relationship and he's got something else that is taking priority.

You're not in a relationship and he doesn't owe you daily contact. I'd leave this be.

Yes, I know he doesn't owe me anything and we are not in a relationship. He clearly chose daily contact for 2.5 years, despite being busy. He'd often write at 5.30 am when he got up. So, if they suddenly stop, without explanation, it feels strange.

I'd leave it, he's obviously not the person you thought he was if he's ghosting you with no explanation. That's not how you treat someone that you've been corresponding with for so long. Even a quick message to say he needs to take a break, he's got a lot going on, would be the right thing to do.

Sadly, I think you have to write this off as he's not who you thought he was. Long distance relationships are difficult to keep going, it may be that he's met someone else but he should have the decency to let you know.

Thanks. I agree - he probably has met someone, but it would only take a minute to write and let me know he didn't want to continue our daily messages. These were often long messages - not just 'Good morning', 'Good night' etc. You are right, he's not the person I thought he was.

I don't know whether to just write to say something - to check he's OK and say goodbye. I mean just in case something terrible has happened. I doubt it, to be honest, because when another dog he had died, he told me immediately and I supported him through that. But who knows?

I'd express yourself if you want to - what have you got to lose?

We always regret the things we didn't do more than the things we did.

Having said that, I would steel myself not to get a reply.

But it IS possible that he has had some kind of emergency - been hospitalised for example? So don't write him off quite yet, maybe.....

Who knows? I understand why you are upset, tho. Even a purely texting based relationship can become something you start to reply on over time.

I would write a message just to say you were worried as not heard from him and hope he is ok and then leave it at that.
If seems strange to message every day for 2 years and then suddenly not hear anything, I’d be worried something had happened yo him

In these circumstances I'd think it odd with the sudden stop in messages and he hasn't blocked you.

As pp suggested message him if it feel you need to but don't necessarily expect a reply.

Normally I would say don't chase a ghoster but under these circumstances I would message him actually. Acknowledge the long time since he messaged, ask if he's ok, and tell him that you hope to hear from him again soon if he still wants to be in touch.

In the longer term though I would dial this friendship back. It's not really real like a relationship should be and it's holding you back from meeting anyone else.

Many thanks for all the replies! :) Well, in the end he wrote on Sunday night, as if nothing had happened, sending 26 photos of a hike he'd been on and writing a friendly message full of emojis etc., as usual. No reason given for the 5 days of silence other than he'd been busy on the hike at the weekend (which he'd told me about last week). I know 5 days is not a long time normally, but when a person has been writing virtually every day (maximum missing one day) for 28 months, it is a long time. So, I took my time to reply and wrote back yesterday morning - trying to match his energy and not mentioning anything about being worried or asking what had happened. He replied at 5.30 this morning with a lovely message and photos of another place he'd just visited. So, I've no idea what is going on in his head! But yes, I'm going to try to stop obsessing about his messages for my own sanity.

@Shimla999 by writing to each other, do you mean letter writing? or texts/WhatsApp?

If this friendship is preventing you from meeting someone in IRL or even doing other fun things with your life, then it's not good for you.

This is a bit exhausting, OP.

Where do you see this friendship going, op?

You've been writing to each other for a long time now, why didn't you just ask where he'd been for 5 days, explain that you were worried about him? I find that quite strange.

I think it’s strange you didnt just say. ‘Glad you’re ok. I wasn’t aware you were away so got worried’.
this is not doing you good. You're pen pals but it’s so intense with daily contact and he’s making out there’s a future for you but there’s no actual evidence of the required change. You can’t be honest with him either.
it’s time to let this one go and find someone in real life.

I was going to ask if something happened to his dog if the poor thing has cancer - when my dog passed away 2 years ago, I didn't even talk to or respond to messages from my siblings.

But you've since followed up with this guy is fine, laughing and joking as usual. This shows beyond doubt that he sees you as nothing more than a pen pal. Pen pals do go quiet as they don't owe the other person anything, but you do seem to believe you're in a relationship - even if you aren't admitting it. Every time I've had a texting type of friendship, if they went quiet I didn't give it a second thought.

No reason given for the 5 days of silence other than he'd been busy on the hike at the weekend (which he'd told me about last week). I know 5 days is not a long time normally, but when a person has been writing virtually every day (maximum missing one day) for 28 months, it is a long time.

.. wrote back yesterday morning - trying to match his energy and not mentioning anything about being worried or asking what had happened.

You should try and relax. This sounds very stressful but only on your part. You acknowledged earlier that you know you're not in a relationship, so honestly, what's the issue?

I've been there. Stressing about some guy who couldn't care less past a casual texting relationship. I doubt he's giving any of this a second thought.

This ^

I’d be suspicious that his wife found out what he was doing during his early mornings so he knocked it on the head for a few days. But I am quite the cynic.

I'm curious, even if the messaging is back online, how do you see this progressing? Five years? Ten? Do you expect that nothing is ever going to change in either of your lives that you will both be served by a daily pen pal habit for the rest of your lives?

This might sound a bit brutal, but you have a fantasy about him, that you'll end up together, and this is just the waiting bit. The writing every day is supporting that.

If you were my friend I would tell you that while you're hooked up on this fantasy, it's filling a need for you, which would be better served by a real life relationship, not an online one.

I think this is a bit of a wake up call, as to how dependant you've become on this messaging habit, and it's time to let it go, and move on.

Thanks for all these messages - I agree with all your comments, to be honest. I should have asked him why he had been silent all these days and if the dog was OK - well, I did ask if the dog was OK but didn't mention the days he didn't write. I know I should let this go and focus on finding someone in real life. I suppose it's because I am so busy with work and other family pressures right now, I have virtually no social life, so maybe that's why I am continuing with this 'pen-pal' situation. He did tell me last week that he was going on the hike on Sunday, but that does not explain the silence on the other days. Now he's been writing every day as if nothing happened - he wrote again first thing this morning. I suppose it's too late now to mention the five days he didn't write last week - but I might try to mention is in relation to his dog - it's going to have an operation soon.

I suppose it's too late now to mention the five days he didn't write last week - but I might try to mention is in relation to his dog - it's going to have an operation soon.

Kindly, let it go. You have to let it go. What are you looking for by mentioning the "five days"? An explanation that you find good enough? This way madness lies, you need to take a really big step back from this and get some perspective, because you're deep in the long grass currently.

Yes, you are right. Thanks. Honestly, right now I've got lots of very stressful stuff going on in my life and I suppose this is the only 'happy' thing that makes me smile amid all the chaos and stress at the moment. A bit like a drug. I eat chocolate too, for the same reason. Just as well I don't smoke or drink. But yes, I don't see it going anywhere. I did initially, or at least hoped there would be some kind of future, as he was meant to be moving back to an area near where I live. But then he couldn't sell his house and his dog got ill. So, I have given up hope of this happening, although he is still planning on moving back in the spring. I'm not holding my breath though. So, there isn't really any point in daily messages, other than the fact that they brighten up my day. I don't know why he writes - maybe he just likes getting my messages. Who knows? But it is a wake-up call that I'm too dependent on these messages - like some kind of drug addict - addicted to WhatsApp messages!

I wasn't planning on mentioning in - it's in the past now. I've got to focus on other things. Thanks.

That's a very good question - I suppose it's because I didn't want to come across as too desperate or obsessed with him. Or give the impression that I expected him to write every day. But in reality, it would have been the natural thing to do to simply ask if everything was OK seeing he hadn't written for a few days and that wasn't normal for him.