Having absolutely no sex drive.

[Twirlycheek]

And I feel so crap because I love my husband so, so much but I have zero sexual desire. I absolutely find him attractive. I absolutely love him but I am 42 and would be happy to never have sex again.

Theres so much going on in my life. Autistic children. I have AuAdhd, OCD myself. One of my children has an eating disorder and ptsd.
2 of them are under CAMHs. (Both revealed suicidal ideation)

I have under active thyroid, hashimotos disease, chronic skin issues. Anxiety and depression.

I feel like everything is stacked against me thinking about sex, my life is too full of stress.

DH is an absolute star in all of this and my rock. I couldn't navigate it without him.

But I just don't have the desire to have sex. Bed is my haven and as soon as Im there I just want to sleep.

I feel awful because I know he doesn't feel the same and sex is important to him so we do have it once or twice a month but even after 20 years together. He would have sex everyday if I was up for it. He isn't a pest at all but obviously it comes up occasionally because it is an issue and he feels rejected but its not about him.

I just can't get my sex drive back, I really don't know what to do.

How long have you felt like this?

Are you on HRT?

I've felt like this for a few years, not on HRT.
Im already on so many tablets and due to start ADHD medication soon.
I just feel like a walking pill bottle

If you want your sex drive to return then HRT is worth considering. It's also beneficial for many many other things. The ADHD meds will probably help you feel better too, they made a huge difference for my DH.

I think none of us here are informed enough to flat-out say HRT would solve all the issues... Just wanted to lead by that, because people like to throw this around recently. Yes it helps a lot of people, but still, it's not our place...
Anyway..
Sex drive can disappear when you are under so much pressure, frustration, exhaustion.. What you need is to tackle those issues, and your desire for sex could return one you are more at peace, not worn out so much. I am not saying it will fix everything with a flick of a wand, but I would definitely start there. Sounds like you have a great husband who would be a supportive partner in it... Talk, work together as a team and try to find ways to relieve yourself from all that pressure... You say you would be happy never to have sex again.. Well, you say that in your current state of mind, it could easily change.. And I am not sure your husband would love that - hey, he might be ok with never to have sex again, who am I to judge or know? But chances are, he would like some intimacy still... Again, it's worth talking about. I am not saying to do it for him, before anyone comes for me, haha.. And as for HRT, sure, you can go after it with the relevant medical processes involved... that decision is with you or your curiosity/willingness to see if it could change things for you.

"Anyway..
Sex drive can disappear when you are under so much pressure, frustration, exhaustion.. What you need is to tackle those issues, and your desire for sex could return one you are more at peace, not worn out so much."

I can't just "tackle these issues."
Do you not think if I could take away my childresn autism, trauma history, all my physical and mental medical issues, I would?

I've been dealing with all of this for years, endless CAMHs visits. Drs, therapy sessions, interventions. Its not something i can just 'fix'.

Do you and your husband equally share the responsibility of dealing with your children’s problems and the fallout from all of it?

He probably does more than me to be honest as he drives and I don't, so he has to attend all the appointments wheras I do skip them sometimes. At home its absolutely split very evenly.
Its not one of those situations where everything is put on me and DH wonders why I am stressed.

Are you on any meds for the anxiety and depression?
I’m not normally one to recommend counselling but I think yours is a situation where it might actually help.
The main thing with your husband is to be open and communicate. If you’re able to talk to him, he’s the best person to help figure this out with.
Sometimes the only thing that you can do is work out ways to manage your stress in general, which has a knock on effect on general wellbeing and hopefully then on your libido.
Have you spoken to your gp about it? They may be able to help.
It’s normal for people, especially women, to go through periods of low libido. Sometimes there isn’t much that can be done about it and a good partner will be understanding about this.

Do you ever get any time alone together? A meal out, a night away, even a lunch together without the kids?

I've had lots of counselling but not sex related.
I am on 40mg of citalopram which kills my sex drive but Ive been on various anti depressants for 20 years and without them I can't function.

All the kids are older, so yes but we don't tend to do date stuff. We've never been into that stuff.

Does your husband actually do anything in an effort to maybe encourage you? Make you feel sexy? Be intimate with you without any agenda at all?

This isn't a husband issue. I'm not assigning one speck of blame on him. Its my physical and mental issues/blocks.
He tells me he loves me so many times a day, holds my hand, we always cuddle. I am in his thoughts constantly, harly a week goes by without him buying me little presents or making me something.

I love him so much and I want to want to have sex but that part of me seems to be gone.

I look back at messages I sent him a decade ago and its night and day, its me jumping him constantly and being suggestive! I don't know where 'she' went.

I am in exactly the same position but am 46, I love my husband very much but my sex drive has vanished,

Maybe try testosterone it’s a gel so not another pill. Apparently GPs will prescribe it to women for libido issues.

I'm early thirties so don't feel hormones/peri is to blame but similar situation with audhd children and myself.

I have the desire but I don't have the energy or headspace. I am stressed, overstimulated and touched out all the time. I'd need 6 months off my life to be my high drive self again. Clearly that isn't going to happen. I live in survival mode it's incredibly difficult to change gears into even being aware of my own body again. I do really enjoy it when we do but I don't think it's a healthy mindset to be forcing myself to get in to that space.

I have no answers for you op just solidarity. If you don't feel like it is peri/hormones related it may very well just be the stress.
My husband like yours is wonderful and understanding. We just talk about it lots and say how wonderful it will be when we can return to our natural rhythm again.

Have you thought about doing anything to try to get aroused, get some sex drive back on your own? As you love and fancy your husband your body might just need a little encouragement to get in the mood, watch something sexy (bridgerton or a film?) or read some smutty books or some erotica? There is a website called Literotica, some of it is good, a lot is terrible. Or download the kindle app and buy some sexy books. Some people might not agree but many people just allow their sex drive to dwindle and it impacts on their relationship. If you lack motivation for anything, you have to think of strategies to keep doing things, like excercise or cleaning or going to work. We wouldn’t just give up on them forever, we would think of ways to try to get started, and so I view this as the same, think of some strategies to get motivated and get going again. I don’t think anyone should have any sex they don’t want to, but if you do want to, then you just need a bit of help to get going, and if you can get to feeling some desire and arousal, then I am sure your husband would be happy to help out!

No advice but just wanted to say I actually started a thread on nearly the same issue yesterday. I am 35, love my husband dearly but my sex drive has disappeared. I also have two autistic young children and I’m under so much stress at the moment. Which is probably why my sex drive has gone, but the stress isn’t just going to go away unfortunately. A bit of sex might actually ease my stress if I had any desire to have it! I’ve just started taking an ashwagandha supplement (sorry, more pills) because I read that this can help.

Gosh - yes. You have a number of difficult things to deal with!

First is your thyroid - how's that going with the medication? Thyroid issues alone can cause a dip in energy and sex drive.

Then you have the anxiety & depression - are you on medication for those because some anti depressants can have powerful anti-libido effects. Have you talked to your healthcare provider about it? It's a bit risky to change if your medication is working well for you, but some medications might have dopamine boosting effects, rather than dopamine dampening effects.

You will get all the usual “try HRT / have date nights / counselling” etc etc replies. The reality is with your combination of health issues, children with additional needs and whatever else is really isn’t that unusual to completely go off sex. I’m in many health / sen groups and it’s really, really normal and no amount of HRT and whatever else will cure it. It’s just being completely burnt out with life. I don’t have the answer for you but honestly you’re not alone. Who would fancy sex in that situation?!

I'm the same i must be going through perimenopause I've been bleeding for over 2 weeks now and I'm so tired. Doctors are not interested xx

Same OP.

Married 20 years, perimenopausal, I'm undiagnosed but highly suspect AuDHD for a million reasons, teenagers plus a severely learning disabled teenager. That coupled with, well, just life and the idea that I should be having and should want sex has killed my libido stone dead.

I do strongly believe us ND ladies get more meh about routine sex and the pressure to have it (PDA anyone?!!!) which doesn't help and is made 100x worse with the hormone rollercoaster of peri.

I just have to force myself to do it as much as possible but the desire just isn't there. At all.

I’m now 58 and started menopause at 51. After 6 months of HRT my libido still didn’t return. My G.P did some blood tests and my Testosterone levels were near non existent. I now take Tostran, after two weeks it felt like someone had switched me back on, I can honestly say I’m enjoying sex again, it’s fab.

I like you still fancied my husband but there was nothing there and that feeling is truly awful. After starting my Testosterone journey I made up for lost time, in fact quite often now I’m banished to the spare bed, to give him a rest. I believe my levels had been low for many years. I take Tramadol and one of the effects of this is lower testosterone levels 🤦‍♀️

I also have a now adult daughter who had lots of difficulties during adolescence, at the age of 30 she’s finally been diagnosed with ADHD, just waiting for her meds, she’s also dyslexic. She’s on antidepressants and her anxiety is pretty bad, but hopefully the ADHD medication may alleviate this, I do hope so.

I hope you feel better soon, pop to the Drs and ask them to check your testosterone levels. Life is so busy and we rarely have time for ourselves.