Not standing up for you

[Yellowhair]

How do you cope with your dp just not standing up for you. We’ve been married decades I’ve felt he ignored me, prioritised other people at times. It’s come to a head because of a CF neighbour. NDN has removed 20ft of fencing and is now telling us not to grow things there, our pots etc on our land as she wants light through to her plants. H keeps being polite but it makes it worse. He doesn’t stand up to her. So then it causes me huge stress and I have to deal with her. I’m so sick of it. If he just said no in the first place it wouldn’t get to this stage.

He's just not the confrontational type. Live and let live. I'm not quite sure why YOU can't just say no? Whose fence is it anyway that she's taken down? If it's yours you could send a solicitors letter and say it's criminal damage and fence must be replaced. If it's hers I'd plant some fast growing trees along the boundary.

I'm confused why it is his job in the first place?

Why are you expecting him to deal with the issue, rather than dealing with it yourself ?

Well I was once gonna marry a fella JUST like this, but luckily I didn't because I got sick of having to deal with all the nasty stuff,alone. I've lived alone ever since,22 years. A relationship should be a partnership. Sorry I don't have better advice. But it's never too late for ANYONE to change,or, if he doesn't, for you to make a fresh start.

The point is I have to do it myself. Whilst he offends nobody, makes no enemies.

That’s it exactly. I have to deal with the nasty stuff myself. Sometimes he makes it harder by not objecting.

I say no, then he is all friendly with them, so they think no means ok or yes.

The point is I have to do it myself. Whilst he offends nobody, makes no enemies.

But maybe it’s honestly not that big a deal to him. Dh goes off on rants about things and I just think is it worth causing issues with someone who is going to be about for years?

It is both our jobs. But he. Doesn’t pull his weight.

I feel for you @Yellowhair. He did huge favours for people who didn't appreciate it- they expected it- whilst leaving me to deal with our dodgy old boiler/ liaising with landlord re:same. And I know full well if someone had insulted me he wouldn't have said anything to them. But he was a 'nice lad', so I should have married him according to the world and his dog. I've been as happy as a clam living alone. It's a tricky one,though, if you've been together decades.

Because he knows you will say something eventually, while you end up smelling of shit and he smells of roses . You become that horrible woman that lovely man is married to . You do what you want in that garden and if she objects just say speak to my husband.

The NDN has told us not to plant anything in 20 ft of our garden because they want to use it for themselves. It’s ridiculous. And I'm trying to be firm. But DH just keeps acting like a wet lettuce. Which causes me and the dc tremendous problems. I keep saying why do you tolerate this. But he just does.

Maybe he is just trying to keep peace with the neighbours. You need to find out legally if they can do this. I would be planting a hedge or fence in my boundaries.

I have been with guys before that don’t stick up for me. DP does stick up for me and is always in my corner. In private he may tell me I am wrong. But he sticks by my side

They have no legal rights. I’m sick of fighting chancers with no suppport.

I think some people would rather eat their own eyeballs than get into a confrontation, even if someone is behaving as ridiculously as your neighbour is. Won't bore you with the details of my batshit neighbour, but the only way to deal with crazy neighbours is firmly.
As he's rubbish at this sort of stuff, maybe give him all the other horrid jobs......tip runs, Christmas shopping, etc. etc......

LEAVE

Yep

Actually it is not ok to opt out. Step up or find yourself single.

I actually feel this too- my ex did- but I wouldn't tell someone I've never met to leave their partner. I'm surprised you've put up with this for so long tbh,though.

Ok, I feel why this could be frustrating for you - however, two points:

When we say that "someone doesn't pull their weight", it should refer to something that is a constant in life...paying bills, cleaning, looking after kids, being a good partner, etc... Surely "having to be confrontational" is not that central of an element in a day-to-day life. I don't know about you, but I need to be confrontational every few months, maybe? (And I have no anxiety about it). If this is something that ruins your every day, maybe it's worth thinking about the lifestyle you are living, too.

Being a person who is 100% avoiding confrontation is not something that just develops from one day to another. My SIL is just like that. All her fights are fought by her husband. So, surely DH was like this from the start, since you got to know him. So the most you can do in this situation is talk about it with him, tell him how it makes you feel, how you wish to see him taking your side more often, etc. It will take some effort to overcome what he'd naturally do, but he might be ok with it, or make an effort to make you more happy.

That’s the thing- I’ve very clearly said I’m sick of dealing with it by myself, he makes it worse by treating the CF neighbour politely, So they think we are agreeing to things, when we are not.

I had this with my appalling ex - my God. I wont put the details as firstly it involved our older son and secondly I dont think people would believe me.

I have no respect for someone who wont stand up for his or her partner.

The only solution that I ever found was to withdraw emotionally and expect nothing from him except making a difficult situation worse. Go it alone, even if you're in the same house. Act as if you're single, make the decisions yourself, carry them out yourself, and protect yourself financially and in any other way. Because you're not really got a partner, if they undermine you like that.

I get you OP. Have much the same issue with not being backed up.

If he’s not going to change then you need to decide if you want to bring about change in your life.
That may mean you have to leave him.

Meanwhile, whose fence was it she removed ? Yours or hers ?
You can always put up your own fence within your own boundary.

@Yellowhair - I love your name. Love WB Yeats. I've been there. Screamed blue murder at the passive ex. " Oh that's OK landlord, yes, even though we've had no hot water for a week."
They are asking you to do something which is wrong in law- not use your own land. A polite note along the lines of, you fully intend to enjoy the property you work so hard to pay for as you wish,and any further nonsense from them will result in a horse's head being left in their bed,etc. *I'm joking,obviously,before anyone takes offence! 😂
He should butt out until he can learn to be more assertive- he's just muddying the waters.And,of course, he needs to know that this is crunch time for you.
My parents were married for 60 years- until death parted them- and they were both wonderfully assertive,and a team.

This. You need a fence or boundary between the properties.
Sometimes being non confrontational is good but other times infuriating. What does he have to say about it?