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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not standing up for you

36 replies

Yellowhair · 07/02/2026 22:16

How do you cope with your dp just not standing up for you. We’ve been married decades I’ve felt he ignored me, prioritised other people at times. It’s come to a head because of a CF neighbour. NDN has removed 20ft of fencing and is now telling us not to grow things there, our pots etc on our land as she wants light through to her plants. H keeps being polite but it makes it worse. He doesn’t stand up to her. So then it causes me huge stress and I have to deal with her. I’m so sick of it. If he just said no in the first place it wouldn’t get to this stage.

OP posts:

Original poster

Yellowhair · 07/02/2026 23:53

It’s her fence she removed. She made a plan to put a greenhouse in the middle of the boundary fence. She said she wanted us to not plant anything in that area, 20 feet of our garden. To suit her. I said absolutely not. She did it anyway. DH s all, oh well. I’m livid.

OP posts:

BoredZelda · 07/02/2026 23:55

Morepositivemum · 07/02/2026 22:31

The point is I have to do it myself. Whilst he offends nobody, makes no enemies.

But maybe it’s honestly not that big a deal to him. Dh goes off on rants about things and I just think is it worth causing issues with someone who is going to be about for years?

Doesn’t matter. If something is a big deal to me, my husband helps fight my corner. Just as I do when things he is bothered about are no big deal to me. That’s how a partnership works.

ImmortalSnowman · 07/02/2026 23:56

Yellowhair · 07/02/2026 23:27

That’s the thing- I’ve very clearly said I’m sick of dealing with it by myself, he makes it worse by treating the CF neighbour politely, So they think we are agreeing to things, when we are not.

Show quote history

Send him to do the planting. I'd start with bamboo.

ETA just saw the greenhouse part. As PP said, build your own fence inside your boundary. I'd 100% use sheet metal. I do actually have this on part of the boundary fence with my neighbours but we also have a gate in the fence so we can visit in PJs.

Original poster

Yellowhair · 07/02/2026 23:57

BoredZelda · 07/02/2026 23:55

Doesn’t matter. If something is a big deal to me, my husband helps fight my corner. Just as I do when things he is bothered about are no big deal to me. That’s how a partnership works.

Show quote history

That’s it. He puts this weird woman before us.

OP posts:

PussyMalone · 08/02/2026 00:20

"Now I've forgot all love's joys.
Feel like a lady and your my ladyboy.

You should be stronger than me"
Amy Whinehouse

Yeah it's hard taking on the assertive role within a relationship.
Is he tough on you but not on anyone else ?

Morepositivemum · 08/02/2026 04:14

BoredZelda

Doesn’t matter. If something is a big deal to me, my husband helps fight my corner. Just as I do when things he is bothered about are no big deal to me. That’s how a partnership works.

Nobody needs someone to fight for them every time they get het up over something or life would be about the two of you charging about being stressed and having battles, especially on something that could have a long term consequence. it’s not always useful to back someone no matter what as a day later they may be angry and stressed over further confrontation arising from the first one!!!

Idontjetwashthefucker · 08/02/2026 08:20

Just put a fence up yourself?

ourSusie · 08/02/2026 08:45

…it takes a heart like Mary’s these days when your man is weak

Joni Mitchell

honeylulu · 08/02/2026 11:00

OMG, had neighbour put the greenhouse up yet? Or just removed the fence? If no greenhouse yet get your own fence installed pronto on or just inside the boundary line.
If she has started using your land/putting stuff in it she's trespassing.

The husband, yes, a fucking useless wet lettuce. Doesn't want to upset anyone but don't care if he upsets you, the person he should hold dearest. Another thing he doesn't realise is that the other people don't think he is "a nice guy", they think he is a pathetic pushover. If he can't get that into his thick head then I think i would be making plans to exit the marriage.

exhaustDAD · 08/02/2026 11:23

I would just say - is he a pushover? yes. Absolutely. Is that bad? Yeah, not great at all. However, the other side of the argument - Did he suddenly become this way? Highly unlikely. Was he like this when OP got into a relationship with him, or decided to marry him? More than likely. I am just guessing here, but if it's such a dealbreaker, why get into it with someone whose way of living you can't stand?
All I am saying is that a personal trait like that is extremely hard to tweak or change.. It's not like "hey darling, can you please pay attention not to leave the bathroom swimming when you take a shower?" Or "hey, I don't feel desired by you too much anymore" - these are things you can talk about, and find solutions for. Personality traits? Tall order. You can discuss, see if he could make an effort, but because it's his personality, I am not sure he is able. You need to decide if you are ok living like this, or for your own peace, leave..

Oh, the garden thing just makes me pull a face, too. Yikes. Make sure you guys do something about reinstating some privacy to your own garden... Whatever that will entail. That is crazy. I'd have no problem not being super cosy friends with the neighbour any more, private space, please and thank you.

Maddy70 · 08/02/2026 12:45

Why don't you stand up to your NDN? Why is it his job?

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