Is this ok ?

[summerxo]

My fiancé and I have been in quite a bad place for a while. Stemming from previous multiple miscarriages, baby loss, our youngest son being premature and having health issues, money stress etc. We were having a conversation/argument and when I was talking he started shaking his head, raising eyebrows, putting his head in his hands and I said I’m not talking to you when your doing that. I found it really rude. So when I walked off he started mumbling something and all I said was what did you say he said nothing raising his eyebrows again. Baring in mind this is in front of both our kids (5&2). So I walked off again and I said your being rude and arrogant just stop and he got all frustrated and said ‘you c*’ so I threw my engagement ring at him. Am I in the wrong here or is your partner calling you that just disgusting no matter what the situation? His never said anything like that before and the fact he did it in front of the kids just makes me feel sick.
all my savings and money has gone into the house. We aren’t married so I really don’t know what I would do if I have to leave. Advice needed x

You were both in the wrong for the way you both acted in front of your children.

The OP didn't call her fiance a cunt in front of their children.

So I walked off again and I said your being rude and arrogant just stop and he got all frustrated and said ‘you c’ so I threw my engagement ring at him*

in front of your children?

No she didn’t but I still don’t think her behaviour was acceptable either.

Well where were they? They’re 2 and 5!

What do you mean, "Where were they"?

The began arguing in front of the children
OP walked away and then it all kicked off

Of course the kids were around

The OP didn’t just walk off, she started to walk away but then decided to turn around and continue the arguement.

No, obviously none of it is at all okay. He swore, you threw something at him, you’ve both behaved appallingly in front of your poor children. You have to know that?

Do you both own this house you’ve ploughed your money into?

You are the one who said 'where were they?' not me.

My point is… poor kids will have heard

Huh?

you asked what did I mean? I clarified

Hi @summerxo . Well, definitely not ok. Sounds like you are both on edge. You were both very much in the wrong - purely based on the fact that your very small kids were there with you. We do not call our spouse 'c-nt', at all (Mind you, I'd never do that even without my kids being there) - that much is true. But we also don't walk back looking for more confrontation when there is already a heated situation, and we definitely do not throw our rings at each other. The latter is physical, even. That is one of the worst things your young children can absorb from you - that it's ok to get physical when there is an argument. When there is a tantrum next time and one of them starts throwing toys around, how will you be able to tell them that it is wrong to do that?
I am not trying to be nasty here... All I am saying is that in situations like this it's better to diffuse the heated situation, and revisit it once everyone had time to breathe, or at least when the kids are not there in the vicinity.

I still don't know why you quoted me in the first place.

None of this is ok in front of your children.

Why didn't you just walk away long before he called you a cunt, which is unacceptable, but so were you long before he said that?

Definitely not ok to call you that, or his behaviour before that, being dismissive and all. Also not ok to throw the ring.
Please tell us you aren't a sahm with all your money tied up in the house, not married, and financially dependent.

Of course it’s not ok but to be honest it’s not a game of who’s worse really is it. Sure he wins tonight, but you both need to control yourself in front of the kids.

I don't know why pp are giving OP such a hard time.
Of course arguing infront of children is not good but it does happen.
And of course calling you a cunt is not acceptable OP.

You obviously feel very strongly about the word cunt. I don't myself (tho I obviously wouldn't be delighted to be called it by a partner - but I don't see it as some kind of completely verboten term in the way some do).

I do think that throwing something at him is worse, actually.

And it's obviously far from ideal that this happened in front of the kids. As long as it was a one off I doubt they will be psychologically scarred. But this does need to be a wake up call to ensure it doesn't happen again.

I suggest that when you are both calmer you talk to your partner away from the kids, agree that arguments need to be constructive and need to happen in private. And then make a plan to work through your problems. Or, if you can't, to separate and co-parent amicably.

Dwelling on this one particular altercation won't help anything. There is a bigger picture here that this is just a symptom of.

And I am sorry for the struggles you have gone through.

for me i don't like the way that the OP "pushed" the conflict. it was obvious physically that her partner did NOT want to discuss (shaking his head/raising eyebrows/putting his head in his hands), yes his muttering something is not great, then the OP called him "rude and arrogant" (although the muttering may be rude she is being arrogant). Followed by his reply "you cunt" and her throwing the ring at him.
I doubt the children would have picked up on much of it until the cunt comment and the ring flying.
I suspect @summerxo you have lots of built up anger and resentment you've mentioned so many serious stressors (miscarriage, loss, prem delivery, sick child and money worries). I don't know if you or your partner (unmarried) have more anger issues.
but it sure sounds by your post you could both use some support/therapy/counselling and based on this see if the relationship is worth continuing.
I suspect OP you have been through too much and you are not finding him much of a partner in this whole situation and rather than a slow burn demise best to end the relationship now.

Just because it does happen doesn't mean it should. It led to OP throwing the ring at her fiancé - So yes, it very much should not happen, especially to this extent. And the point of the whole thread was asking if what happened was ok. And as such it does not hurt to be a bit self-reflective and look at our own part in what happened.

Both behaved poorly

You wrote The OP didn't call her fiance a cunt in front of their children.

I would hazard a guess the children were very much still present when this happened

The OP didn't call her fiance a cunt AT ALL. That is why I was disagreeing with the pp saying that they were as bad as each other.

The Fiance called HER a cunt in front of the children.

Which makes his behaviour worse.

Get it now?