Ex or new guy

[greenleaf26]

I’m in a really tricky situation.

I was with my ex for 6 years, we had a lovely relationship and he was a great step-dad to my DS. He left me last year because he wanted a baby and I didn’t (I 100% respected his decision to leave and the split was amicable). For the past few months he’s been consistently reaching out saying that he’s had time to emotionally process everything and he’s accepted not having a baby, he’s discussed it at length with a therapist and is now wanting us to get back together, he’s promised that there would be no resentment.

In the meantime, I met someone else towards the end of last year - I haven’t introduced him to my DS, we see each other on our childfree days. I enjoy my time with him, feelings are developing and it’s in the exciting stage, however logistically he lives 2 hours away and we’re both settled in our own areas so it makes me think that merging lives is out of the question for a long time (not that I want to rush into this any way, my DS’s stability is the most important thing to me), it makes me wonder if we’re compatible long term.

I’m completely torn on whether to stay with new bf and see what happens, or whether to get back with my ex and go back to the comfortable steady life that we had.

for extra context, ex has maintained contact with DS since we separated so it’s not like he’s left completely and would be coming back out of the blue, but then if I decide not to get back with him I need to consider reducing this contact going forward to allow us all to move on.

That is indeed tricky, @greenleaf26 ... In all honesty, if you can go either way, and can't decide, to me it sounds like you don't really have true feelings towards either of them. Others might disagree with me here, but if someone can't choose between two people, that in itself is a choice.. In my head if you love someone, there is no room for a potential choice... But that might be just me, I wouldn't want to be someone's A or B choice. Out of curiosity, do the two guys know about each other? If I was either of them, I would take a step back and make the choice easier for you - and i know it might sound like I am being nasty or uppity, not the case at all. I think the question you need to ask yourself is - how come you could go either way?

In addition to this, I would say I would be vary of the ex's newly made up mind about being ok not having a kid... That's how he feels now..what if he grows older, and starts regretting? These things don't just disappear so easily.

@exhaustDADI see where you’re coming from with your point about not choosing is a choice in itself. I’ll give that some thought.

I have a deep love for my ex, the calm stable love and with current guy I think I’m in the limerence stage where I have butterflies and excitement.

The decision feels so heavy because I feel like I’m choosing between contentment and stability for both me and my DS and a life that I know is good, or excitement and the unknown if I stay with current guy, also aware that there could be complications further down the line re the long distance.

ex is in his 40s now so I don’t think he’d change his mind in a few years and want a baby then, but then who knows.

I wouldn’t go back, exes normally come back because they haven’t found anyone else or the grass wasn’t greener, he’s lonely and bored but ultimately he felt that strongly about having his own child to leave you, it’s a big risk to let him back in only to leave again.
The new one, it’s hard say what would happen in the future, if it develops you might merge years down the line, do you feel that strongly to want to stay with him? I think you know who you feel more strongly towards, go with your feelings not out of guilt.

I don't know if I'd believe that someone who left you because you wouldn't have a baby made such a drastic turnaround in a few months. I think he's lonely and if you let him back in, he would start feeling resentment again and possibly start bugging you for a baby. I think there's a basic incompatibility that he's wanting to overlook and rug sweep right now, but there's a high likelihood that that he will want a child at some point.

I'd go forwards, not back and I would reduce your ex's contact with your son. This is going to get difficult to manage as your lives diverge and your son gets older.

You sound more as if you want to be with your ex. I would end the new relationship and try again with him. If that feels wrong then I don't think you love either of them enough to settle down together, at least at the Moment.

I’m with the first response on this - surely there is an automatic answer that jumps out as the right one?! That you would not leap on the chance to return to your ex suggests to me that he’s in the rear view mirror for you.

Is the fact that he remains in contact with your son the thing holding you back? A full severing of the relationship sounds like it will hurt him more (despite the inevitability)

As PPs have said I would be dubious about his 180 about having a child of his own within a few months. It's such an immense thing to flip flop on. Having changed his mind so easily, who's to say he won't again. And can you be sure that he hasn't changed his mind because he has realised that the future mother of his child isn't just going to fall into his lap and it might take years to find her? In a way, that acceptance of reality might be enough for you to restart your relationship.

But even if he didn't show resentment I would always be wondering if he felt regret. Again, that might not matter, a lot of people have regrets, but I'm not sure how I would get along with a regret so closely linked to me and the relationship. For me what has happened would colour the relationship going forward and that might end up changing it completely.

Perhaps the way to resolve your dilemma is to take a complete break from both of them for a couple of months. It will give you all breathing space to think.

I’d be a bit suspicious of your exes u turn. Has he really changed his mind, or has he realised women won’t be falling over themselves to have a baby with him?

The ex is always an ex for a good reason. That doesn’t mean you need to make a permanent relationship with current squeeze. Take your time and enjoy being your own person, and not part of a couple

I have an ex exactly like him. Gorgeous, successful and on paper what many women would want. But he wanted his own child and I was already done. He’s come back a few times over the years and apart from that I was exactly what he wanted. He tried younger women and found them vacuous. But I’ve always said no. I’m not going to be a consolation prize because being a father is important to him. And it wouldn’t last.

I can’t see that a few short months will change something so fundamental for him.
He’s coming back to what he knows, and will be off again if anyone who wants kids turns his head. You split up for a reason. That reason still exists.

The new guy, who knows. Go with your gut.

I would not go back to your ex. He’s an ex for a reason. Equally you don’t have to be with the new man either.

Just to add I’ve known men including an ex boyfriend who think they’d make good fathers. In his case he was early 50s. I laughed inside as I thought good luck finding a younger woman to be a mother with you.

Does the new boyfriend know you definitely don't want children? Don't let that become the elephant in the room. If you do decide to continue with him, it's worth getting that out in the open because you don't want to get to an advanced stage and then have to break it to him,

I think a big pull to my ex is the family life we had when we were together and how good he was with my DS, If he hadn’t come back on the scene I wouldn’t be doubting things with new guy, we’ve been having a lovely time together and I feel terribly guilty that I’m even having these thoughts about being torn and he doesn’t know.

ex did actually meet someone after he left me, she wanted children but he says that his heart wasn’t in it as he just wanted to be back with me and DS so he ended the relationship after a few months.

to answer the question about new guy potentially wanting a baby in the future - he’s has a vasectomy.

But he left you for a woman from the future he wanted to have children with. Can you get over that? I couldn’t.

I'm not either or them are right for you. 2 hours distance is going to be an issue at some stage and I think uprooting your son for a man is never a good idea. Ex left you and I don't think I would give him another chance.

Radical thought...be single for a while

You could look at it the other way & maybe your ex realised after therapy & his relationship after you, that you are worth more to him than the idea of having a child?

i guess you have to imagine how you would feel if your ex did meet someone else & have a child with that person?
If you think you'd feel happy for your ex & relieved then you have your answer that it's not a good idea to get back with him.
However if the thought of your ex moving on & having a family with another woman makes you sad then get back with him.

Also it's not really fair to your new partner if you're considering/dithering about staying or leaving for the ex as like pps if you were 100% sure about who you wanted to be with then your decision would be made within 5 mins flat.

Maybe neither guy is right for you?

You say your pull to your ex is the family life you had with him.

But that wasn't good enough for him and he left that for his dream future. I think his sudden turn around about kids and trying to get back in your life is really problematic.

Does he know you're seeing someone else?

That is good to hear, please do... Also, don't forget, @greenleaf26 , it is not simple choice of "lifestyle", we are talking about people, and if you have romantic feelings about either, you wouldn't need to think about the choice..

Also - does the ex know of the new guy you started seeing?

Don’t pick because of DS. It may not seem it but he will his own person and out of the equation sooner than you think. Your childbearing decisions end for you mid 40’s.

You have to be with them on your own terms. Which one do you actually like without kids ?

The distance is a big issue but as a poster has said maybe be single for a spell and then make decision once your head has cleared.

OP, These are big decisions and if you are uncertain then l would consider taking a step back from both of them and being single for a while to sort out your feelings.
It's complicated, especially as the new guy is long distance, plus there's the additional concern of your ex still being in contact with your child which may change if you do choose the new man. Does your ex know you are seeing someone new, and if not do you think he will still keep contact with your son in that case?

Yes my ex knows about new guy, we’ve spoken in depth about things and part of me has concerns that his 180 is partially due to jealousy of me moving on.

I think stepping back from both of them is probably a good idea, although being selfish I worry that I’ll lose them both if I do that.

I would end things with the new bloke anyway. From what you say, it’s not going to work anyway. Best stop it before it goes too far.
Then have a break. You’ve not really had a break from dating for long. You could agree to
meet ex up for dinner to see where the land lies but make it clear, you aren’t dating for the time being. It’s a big choice.

People can change their mind. He might have sat back and thought that while he wants a kid, he already has one and a partner he loves.

Whats the thoughts of the new guy on having children? Have you discussed it? Will you end up in the same position further down the road?

Your ex may have realised what he has lost and thinks that you and your child are more important than one of his own.