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Original poster

Ex or new guy

42 replies

greenleaf26 · 07/02/2026 18:58

I’m in a really tricky situation.

I was with my ex for 6 years, we had a lovely relationship and he was a great step-dad to my DS. He left me last year because he wanted a baby and I didn’t (I 100% respected his decision to leave and the split was amicable). For the past few months he’s been consistently reaching out saying that he’s had time to emotionally process everything and he’s accepted not having a baby, he’s discussed it at length with a therapist and is now wanting us to get back together, he’s promised that there would be no resentment.

In the meantime, I met someone else towards the end of last year - I haven’t introduced him to my DS, we see each other on our childfree days. I enjoy my time with him, feelings are developing and it’s in the exciting stage, however logistically he lives 2 hours away and we’re both settled in our own areas so it makes me think that merging lives is out of the question for a long time (not that I want to rush into this any way, my DS’s stability is the most important thing to me), it makes me wonder if we’re compatible long term.

I’m completely torn on whether to stay with new bf and see what happens, or whether to get back with my ex and go back to the comfortable steady life that we had.

for extra context, ex has maintained contact with DS since we separated so it’s not like he’s left completely and would be coming back out of the blue, but then if I decide not to get back with him I need to consider reducing this contact going forward to allow us all to move on.

OP posts:
croydon15 · 09/02/2026 19:29

TwinklySquid · 09/02/2026 18:05

I would end things with the new bloke anyway. From what you say, it’s not going to work anyway. Best stop it before it goes too far.
Then have a break. You’ve not really had a break from dating for long. You could agree to
meet ex up for dinner to see where the land lies but make it clear, you aren’t dating for the time being. It’s a big choice.

People can change their mind. He might have sat back and thought that while he wants a kid, he already has one and a partner he loves.

This - your ex may have realised that you are more important to him than having a child, if everything was good l would think about getting back with him.

TheHillIsMine · 09/02/2026 20:10

I don't see how this is tricky at all. If things were that good with the new guy you wouldn't be contemplating getting back with the ex. If you are to try again with the ex I wouldn't rush. Date. Take your time. You need time to see if the resentment does come.

Middlechild3 · 09/02/2026 20:25

Don't go backwards. New bloke or next.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/02/2026 20:39

I'm in the minority here, but I think you should get back with your ex. He sounds like a good guy, and he's been mature enough to have therapy to reach acceptance of not having a biological child of his own. He clearly cares for and loves both you and your son.

You know what you're getting with him too. There's always uncertainty with new relationships, that, coupled with the distance and the unknowing of how the new guy and your son would gel, it's all the unknown.

itsoktonotbeokitstrue · 09/02/2026 20:49

If it was me in the situation, I’d know who to pick if you understand me.
so I don’t think either of those men are right for you.
When you’re in love you don’t have to ask yourself if you are you just know it.

exhaustDAD · 09/02/2026 21:57

itsoktonotbeokitstrue · 09/02/2026 20:49

If it was me in the situation, I’d know who to pick if you understand me.
so I don’t think either of those men are right for you.
When you’re in love you don’t have to ask yourself if you are you just know it.

Quite literally this. There is no reason why you could only exist as part of a relationship, just to have one... And picking between two people like picking between two ice cream flavours to have while watching trash tv, is a clear sign that your feelings towards either is not strong enough to warrant a relationship. It is always true - if there it is hard to choose, you shouldn't choose either. When it's real, there is no choice.

TheSandgroper · 09/02/2026 22:45

Take the third option. Stay single. Create a fulfilling life for you and DS for a few years.

Ex can continue to develop his relationship with your DS if he wishes but it needn’t include you.

MayaPinion · 10/02/2026 08:04

It doesn’t need to be X or Y. For your ex’s sake I would let him go so he could find someone who wanted to have a baby. Your split was fairly recent so he’s not over you yet, but he will be. You have a son so you know the overwhelming love you have for your child. Don’t deny him that opportunity.

LittleCrumblyBiscuit · 10/02/2026 08:11

For whatever reasons your ex decided the life you had together wasn’t good enough for him and he walked away. I wouldn’t be able to get past that. I would always feel like he’d settled for me after realising the grass wasn’t greener after all.

greencheetah · 10/02/2026 08:13

I would probably opt for being single.

ChristmasFluff · 10/02/2026 08:34

I'd step away from the ex and continue to get to know the new man.

Within a few months this new man has managed to make a necessity of a choice. If the ex was the right one, there would be no question. To me it seems the only thing tying you to him is your fear of the unknown.

I'd keep seeing the new man because you've not known him long, so of course you don't love him yet.. Maybe you never will. But that's no reason to end it.

ChristmasFluff · 10/02/2026 08:35

Oh, and the ex does still want a baby. Therapy may have given him tools to deal with that desire, but it's still there.

AdaDex · 10/02/2026 08:42

I've never heard of anyone having therapy to change their mind about having a baby.

SlightlyUnexpected · 10/02/2026 08:46

Neither, OP. Going back to an ex who is possibly only desperate to get you back because of your new relationship, hence pretending he no longer wants a baby, isn’t a good idea, and the new guy lives too far away. Be single for a while and find someone better.

MrsJeanLuc · 10/02/2026 15:05

greenleaf26 · 08/02/2026 08:44

Yes my ex knows about new guy, we’ve spoken in depth about things and part of me has concerns that his 180 is partially due to jealousy of me moving on.

I think stepping back from both of them is probably a good idea, although being selfish I worry that I’ll lose them both if I do that.

part of me has concerns that his 180 is partially due to jealousy

I would 100% keep this thought in mind, op.

I think you need to buy yourself time. Tell your ex that you need more time to explore your feelings (or whatever). And I don't see why you shouldn't continue to see the new guy and enjoy what you have there without feeling you have to commit to anything permanent.

I suppose the question to ask is, are you happy being single? I mean, are you happy living alone with your DC, or is a struggle / do you feel the need for someone to share the load?

MyMilchick · 10/02/2026 15:09

The fact that you're even torn about, to me suggests that you're not really that in to your ex anyway

MrsMoastyToasty · 10/02/2026 15:13

Option C.
Take time out by yourself and don't settle on either of them.

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