Despite being in different relationships, I have had one person I've loved all my life, off and on (now mid 40s), but not always been with. Someone so important to me, but it didn't turn out how it should've. It is really bothering me, and I wonder if anyone can help, or just have useful thoughts.
I met A when I was a teenager, we were both shy and quiet. We became best friends and spent all our time very close, we loved each other but were very pure types. When it came time for me to leave town for university he told me he loved me, but I was so frozen into inaction, I loved him too deeply. We went our separate ways and each had our first partners, who lasted for years.
At age 23 we were both single and bumped into each other at a party in our home town, where he lived and I was back for the weekend. We had a lovely evening and at the end of it he told me he had always loved me, and I said the same back, but I couldn't open up enough to follow it through. We went our separate ways and had long marriages and children with other people. I moved back home and our partners became friendly with each other and we saw each other around, it was normal on the surface.
After my divorce I saw him again, he was just in marriage breakup. He told me he still loved me and to my shame we started a love affair, for a year and a half, he lived in his own place, had a schedule with the kids. I call it a love affair because we never tipped it over into a real thing. He said it was too much of a big deal and he couldn't handle it. Off he went. I started seeing someone, and so on. We fell out over it, I suppose.
However it broke my heart. I think about him every day. Not just as a lover but as my favourite person and best friend. I feel ashamed and unhappy and can't shake it off. We don't speak to each other now, and I don't know if his ex (a very nice lady in my social orbit, who I see with a new man) knows, or not. She is friendly with me when she sees me. I don't know if he tried to go back, or what he is doing. There is a silence between us that I find very hard.
What can I do? It is just that there is such a lot of history and I miss him. The time I did text him, he said he couldn't handle his feelings. He is a hider of a man, has very few friends, is a bit of a recluse.
Does anyone have any advice apart from that I'm silly. He is one of my favourite friends and the rift and destruction is making me feel so very bad. Thanks for reading.