The Couple and the Ex

[RSDbooks]

Hi, I started dating a wonderful woman about 4 months ago. I’m in my early 50s and she’s in her mid 40s. We spent the first few weeks talking about our past marriage(s) and relationships and the impacts/learnings from those experiences.

We have a great dynamic and love spending time together. However, she brings up her last ex boyfriend frequently. This was a friends with benefits situation, and she caught feelings but it was not reciprocated. This was a two year relationship.

She has overshared intimate details about their relationship that I really don’t need or want to know. He treated her quite badly and was thoughtless and uncaring. However, she contradicts herself often by referring to him negatively but later describing him as endearing, for example.

I don’t particularly want to hear about him. It hurts me because she romanticizes the relationship at times but then refers to it as traumatic. I want to focus on us and moving our relationship forward. She wants a future with me as well.

I’ve been very understanding and caring as she’s shared difficult things about their relationship. However, after 4 months and already talking about our past relationships, I shared that I’m hurt he’s often brought up (in good and bad contexts) and that I don’t understand why we’re still talking about him.

She said I need to be there so she can process that relationship so she can be fully seen, while disregarding how it makes me feel. She does see a therapist regularly. Her relationship with him ended about six months before we met, but I recently learned she met up again with him only two months before we got together.

I understand the need to be seen. But asking your current boyfriend to help process your ex boyfriend seems an unreasonable ask in my opinion. She admitted that she got online before she was truly ready for a new relationship. But now we’re 4 months in and our feelings for each other are strong.

She is upset that I’m not keen to talk about him any longer.

All other aspects of the relationship are amazing. It’s this one aspect that is starting to take its toll with me. Any advice? Am I being unreasonable about my feelings?

Thank you.

I’d tell you don’t feel heard. She has her therapist to work on these issues with and whilst you are there for her, you cannot keep hearing the same things.

No, you are not unreasonable. She has no consideration to your feelings and you, unfortunately, found yourself in a position of parenting another adult. It's not the dynamic that works for me personally so I wouldn't continue.

She has a therapist, she doesn’t need another one. Tell her you’re not discussing exes in anything other than a passing conversation, you can’t ban all mention of them, but you don’t need to be reminded of a previous relationship all the time. It makes it hard to build anything as a couple if one of you is stuck in the past. Ask me how I know! If that isn’t possible then split up and she can do the work on her own before trying to date again.

Run

You sound like a decent human being with normal emotions and boundaries. She sounds like a naval gazing, ego centric who uses psycho babble to justify her lack of boundaries.

Why on earth are you staying with her when she’s made it clear everything needs to be about HER?!

It doesn't sound as if she's ready for another relationship if she needs to constantly bring up the ex and she's still processing that relationship.

100% this. She really sounds like she’s got main character syndrome and it’s all me me me me.

Tell her you’re not an unpaid therapist and draw a boundary. She isn’t in the headspace for a green up relationship until she’s moved on from her ex which she cheeky hasn’t

I do think this relationship is doomed to failure as she’s already telling you loud and clear her feelings are far more important than yours and that she’s still hung up on her ex.

She’s not over the ex. This is not what the early months of a successful, long lasting relationship look or feel like.

She still sounds obsessed with her ex and also lacks any kind of self awareness if she wants to constantly rake over her past relationship with him and expects you to hear all the defails. You shouldn't have to listen to this no matter what she says. She's making it all about her and obviously has no regard for your feelings.
You are not her therapist, she has one already and you have every right to ask her to stop talking about her previous partner repeatedly. You are not being unreasonable, she's clearly telling you that her feelings trump yours which does not bode well for your future with her.

It doesn’t sound like she’s ready to date someone else even though the relationship you are building sounds like it should be what any couple could hope for a few months in.

She still sounds obsessed with the ex and it sounds more of an obsession than a relationship. By feeding the obsession she is keeping it alive and keeps the ‘what ifs’ circulating in her head and her filling in the gaps of what could have been if only he reciprocated her feelings. Her friends are probably sick of hearing about him too.

I think you have to be more firm and say that she needs to work this through with her therapist including how this could be impacting a promising relationship with someone who is reciprocating her feelings. if she can’t do this I would walk away.

I agree with PP’s. She has no boundaries and doesn’t understand that sharing intimate details about a past relationship isn’t appropriate. She’s not over him and you’re her sounding board for when she’s not with her therapist.
She sounds consumed by this past relationship to the extent that she doesn’t recognise your needs.
This isn’t going to work if only 4 months in she’s making you feel like this. It’s time to end it and find someone ready for a healthy relationship.

Sounds like she is not ready to be in another relationship

YANBU

She doesnt sound emotionally ready for a relationship. I think she jumped back into dating too quickly.

I dont think what she is doing is fair to you. I’d walk away. She needs to spend some time on her own and continue her therapy.

I agree that she is not ready to date.

I'm sharing a different perspective here. Try giving her a chance and speak honestly about how it makes you feel. If she continues to do this, gently change the subject or suggest taking a short break until she feels more settled. This way, you can approach the situation with understanding and give her a chance.

She isn’t ready for another relationship.
She clearly has a lot of issues to work on. You are not her therapist.

Her saying you need to be supportive of her getting over her ex is a massive red flag! It is not only making everything about her, she is also totally disrespecting your boundaries and feelings, and by saying this it is clear she should not be in a relationship now.

I’d say something along the lines of:
Sally, I feel unheard. You keep crossing my boundaries and hurting my feelings. It is not ok that you keep oversharing intimate details and your feelings for your ex when I have already told you it hurts me. It has become clear to me that you are not ready to be in a relationship. For my own mental protection, I am going to walk away from this relationship now and give you the space you need.

OP already has done this

She said I need to be there so she can process that relationship so she can be fully seen

What does that even mean? I don't nees to exchange details of past sex lives to see or be seen by my partner

You're not being unreasonable here at all. She’s treating you like a quasi therapist to help her process her recent romantic rejection rather than as a fresh start love interest. Your relationship can’t move forward when she’s still stuck in the past and obsessed with the one that got away. She’s clearly not ready to be in a new relationship.

So going on experience, I'd say this really isn't a healthy relationship.

My ex told me just about every detail of his previous relationships. How they'd let him down, used him. How selfish they were. How much he'd loved them. Also overshared massively about their sex lives. I, on the other hand, was the only woman he had ever been able to really talk to, or be his true self with.

And guess what? He was a complete narcissist who ended up treating me like shit.

Sometimes people are just drawing you in and manipulating you. Tell her it's too much. These are conversations she should be having with therapists and friends. Set the boundary. Then see if she respects it.

For what it's worth, I waited two years before dating again. Your GF is no way ready.

She probably does this with everyone and her friends are fed up listening so she uses you and , she doesnt understand why he didnt want her and will use you as her therapist, i would just change the subject every time she tries or go to the loo or make a cup of tea if shes interested she will stay if shes using you she will leave...but she wont listen so its up to you

This sounds like the most boring start to a relationship ever. Discussing exs, past relationships and learning from those relationships. Shouldn’t you be off having fun only having been together a few months?!? 🤷🏻‍♀️

She needs to process this in therapy not with you. Not just because it isn't fair on you, but also because she might use you as too much of a emotional crutch on this, and then not focus on other things in the relationship that will help you both determine if this relationship is right for you. When she does get over the ex, which she will eventually, what will you both have, if a big part of her relationship with you was talking about him?

This. 100%

Was she married before she had this FWB relationship.

Did her marriage end because of the future she was promised with this FWB. She sounds as though she still has feelings for this man, unfortunately there are many women who become enamoured by men who future fake and are then left devastated by their loss.

She's working through this grief with you, which is unfair.
You don't want to be put in this role as her support human, it's unfair to you and does not constitute a real relationship.