The Couple and the Ex

[RSDbooks]

Hi, I started dating a wonderful woman about 4 months ago. I’m in my early 50s and she’s in her mid 40s. We spent the first few weeks talking about our past marriage(s) and relationships and the impacts/learnings from those experiences.

We have a great dynamic and love spending time together. However, she brings up her last ex boyfriend frequently. This was a friends with benefits situation, and she caught feelings but it was not reciprocated. This was a two year relationship.

She has overshared intimate details about their relationship that I really don’t need or want to know. He treated her quite badly and was thoughtless and uncaring. However, she contradicts herself often by referring to him negatively but later describing him as endearing, for example.

I don’t particularly want to hear about him. It hurts me because she romanticizes the relationship at times but then refers to it as traumatic. I want to focus on us and moving our relationship forward. She wants a future with me as well.

I’ve been very understanding and caring as she’s shared difficult things about their relationship. However, after 4 months and already talking about our past relationships, I shared that I’m hurt he’s often brought up (in good and bad contexts) and that I don’t understand why we’re still talking about him.

She said I need to be there so she can process that relationship so she can be fully seen, while disregarding how it makes me feel. She does see a therapist regularly. Her relationship with him ended about six months before we met, but I recently learned she met up again with him only two months before we got together.

I understand the need to be seen. But asking your current boyfriend to help process your ex boyfriend seems an unreasonable ask in my opinion. She admitted that she got online before she was truly ready for a new relationship. But now we’re 4 months in and our feelings for each other are strong.

She is upset that I’m not keen to talk about him any longer.

All other aspects of the relationship are amazing. It’s this one aspect that is starting to take its toll with me. Any advice? Am I being unreasonable about my feelings?

Thank you.

All this "I need to be seen" crap is ridiculous. If she needs a therapist and can't stop discussing it with you then she is not ready to be in a relationship.

You need to tell her that you like her but it is clear that she is not ready to be in a relationship with anyone, and take a step back from her.

She needs to sort herself out.

You’re being used as some kind of sounding board. Once you adopt this role for the deeply selfish it’s hard to extricate yourself. Bin her off before you end up suffocated by all her problems

She's thinking only of herself. This won't change.

You're the rebound. End it now.

You are her emotional support animal and sticking plaster, not her date.

I'd have dumped her for saying she needs you there 'so she can process that relationship so she can be fully seen'. She's not the Invisible Woman, she's a self-obsessed, selfish bore.

You need to get this cleared soon in my opinion and the only way be for to express your feelings as you have in your description as per the thread.
Otherwise this will destroy the relationship.
She may not be aware that she has spoken so much about it or if she does not agree then time for pastures new.

100%. And call me cynical but if the ex snapped his fingers she’d dump the OP and run back in a heartbeat,

This sounds very strange, how can she honestly think it's appropriate to discuss this with you, and the audacity to expect you to help her process these feelings! Personally, I'd sit down, discuss how you feel, ask her if she honestly can find a way to process these feelings alone/in therapy and not utilise you in such a way. If she can't, or doesn't accept your perspective, then I'd suggest asking for a break or calling it off, because it's all kinds of red flags that she puts her emotional wellbeing above yours.

Maybe she just needs a few more months to process, and she'll come back, ready to move forward and you might also be in that place. Maybe not. Don't just leave this though. People this hurt/still processing are often grabbing at support and the feelings she says she has for you may just be how she feels having someone to help her with her grief. She won't be fully able to assess how she feels about you and your relationship until she's free to be happy alone. There's therefore a risk that you give time and create pain for yourself to get her over this ex, at which point she disappears because she's in a mentally good place and you're no longer fulfilling a role she needs/wants.
I think you'd be best to find someone ready to fully invest in you. If you really do want to stick around for her, speak with her and see if she can prioritise how you're feeling. If she cant then that's your answer.

Having been in both situations she's not being fair to you or herself.
I don't think she's ready to date & shouldn't be using you as her extra therapist.
My advice is to walk away as you deserve better

Leave get out right now its then end of you and she.

If someone talks endlessly about their ex it’s because they’re still hung on them. There’s literally no other answer in this scenario. If he would have her she would likely be back like a shot.

YANBU - you’re not her therapist or rescuer. I would say your feelings seem less important to her than her need to talk about him frequently and it will drive you away. You’ve both shared information on exes and now that should be the end of it. It’s time to move forward or accept she is still not over him and part.