Is anyone else with a man who doesn’t attach emotional meaning to sex

Ohnonononotagain · 06/02/2026 20:44

That is a really hurtful thing to say to someone you are supposed to care about.

If he really can disassociate sex from feelings I wouldn't be able to trust him because by implication it won't matter to him who he has sex with.

Doe he watch porn OP? Because reducing sex to merely a physical act fits in very much with the mind set of porn users.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/02/2026 20:51

There are many many men like this on online dating. I remember being super confused when I started online dating when an objectively far far better looking bloke offered it, and after a bit of prodding, he basically confirmed he couldn’t care less what I looked like/said/anything about me whatsoever, just that I was female. That was it. That was his requirement.

but, if he’s your dp, and is still utterly emotionless, then that’s a whole different level. This was an incredibly hurtful thing to say, as he must surely know, sex wouldn’t be emotionless to you.

Soonenough · 06/02/2026 20:57

I believe this kind of of attitude will become more common. Availability of porn 24/7 I believe desensitises men and increasingly young boys . But it is always been an issue that men can have sex with women they don't care for or love , whilst women definitely are more thoughtful . It was hurtful of him to say that but remember it is you he chose to be with and have a child so I wouldn't doubt his love .

user3398721 · 07/02/2026 13:21

Posting from a different perspective. I'm a woman who's a bit like that. Certainly, in the past I've been able to have sex without emotional attachment, but it doesn't mean that I value my marriage or my husband or the sex in my marriage any less. And it's hard to explain, but feeling that way doesn't necessarily mean all sex is equal or all potential partners are equal.

For me, it has nothing to do with cheating @Ohnonononotagain. Cheating is a choice, and just because I can separate sex from feelings doesn't mean I would make that choice.

Editing to add that I just re-read your initial post and it kind of sounds like you guys were in a moment of heated and not great communication, and he might have reached for something he knew would hurt you, rather than something he necessarily meant?

BauhausOfEliott · 07/02/2026 14:00

user3398721 · 07/02/2026 13:21

Posting from a different perspective. I'm a woman who's a bit like that. Certainly, in the past I've been able to have sex without emotional attachment, but it doesn't mean that I value my marriage or my husband or the sex in my marriage any less. And it's hard to explain, but feeling that way doesn't necessarily mean all sex is equal or all potential partners are equal.

For me, it has nothing to do with cheating @Ohnonononotagain. Cheating is a choice, and just because I can separate sex from feelings doesn't mean I would make that choice.

Editing to add that I just re-read your initial post and it kind of sounds like you guys were in a moment of heated and not great communication, and he might have reached for something he knew would hurt you, rather than something he necessarily meant?

Edited

I can separate sex from emotion too. I think a lot of people can. Probably more men than women, but still a lot of women. Plenty of women have one-night-stands. (I think the core demographic on Mumsnet gives a somewhat skewed impression of women’s sexual behaviour overall.)

Also, there is a tendency on Mumsnet to assume that every sexual problem and attitude is ‘because of porn’, which is very naive. Sure, some issues are related to porn. But mostly, they’re issues that have been happening since the dawn of time, and this is one of them. Men, and plenty of women, have been having emotionless sex FOREVER. I started having sex in the pre-internet age when access to porn was extremely limited and trust me, people weren’t having any more romantic and meaningful sex than they are today.

I love my DP very, very much and we’ve been together for 23 years. But I don’t really feel that sex is necessarily an expression of my love for him. I love him but it’s not what I’m thinking about when we have sex. I see it as a physical connection, not an emotional one. I’ve previously had incredible sex with people I certainly didn’t have an emotional connection with. I’d certainly have to find them broadly likeable, but I don’t have to care deeply about them at all.

It absolutely doesn’t mean that I would cheat on my partner. I’d never cheat on him in a million years.

BauhausOfEliott · 07/02/2026 14:00

user3398721 · 07/02/2026 13:21

Posting from a different perspective. I'm a woman who's a bit like that. Certainly, in the past I've been able to have sex without emotional attachment, but it doesn't mean that I value my marriage or my husband or the sex in my marriage any less. And it's hard to explain, but feeling that way doesn't necessarily mean all sex is equal or all potential partners are equal.

For me, it has nothing to do with cheating @Ohnonononotagain. Cheating is a choice, and just because I can separate sex from feelings doesn't mean I would make that choice.

Editing to add that I just re-read your initial post and it kind of sounds like you guys were in a moment of heated and not great communication, and he might have reached for something he knew would hurt you, rather than something he necessarily meant?

Edited

edited to remove duplicate post

Error4O4 · 07/02/2026 15:27

Emmie243 · 06/02/2026 20:39

After 5 years together and one DC, I’ve just come to massive realisation that DP experiences sex primarily as a physical act rather than an emotional one. We had an argument the other day and I said something along the lines of “Well, you seemed fine to sleep with me last night” and his response was along lines of “ It’s just sex, means nothing” Just sex. We have the most passionate sex, he holds me after. I just don’t know how I feel about him saying this. Now it feels impersonal , like I could’ve been anyone.

Can I just ask what was the reason you said " well, you seemed fine to sleep with me last night". Were you having an argument, or could it be he just said it on the heat of the moment? The best thing to do is speak to him instead of assuming what it means. But again alot of people look at sex as just a physical thing, it doesn't mean they don't care, or love the person, it's just that everyone is wired differently.

UltimateSloth · 07/02/2026 15:29

That's the default position for most men isn't it?

aquashiv · 07/02/2026 15:37

I could be like this too. Does that make me a bad person? Never trust words in an argument.

Contrarymary30 · 07/02/2026 15:41

I'm the same , it's not just men .

outerspacepotato · 07/02/2026 15:57

I don't have to be emotionally attached to have sex with someone, it's physical for me. I think a lot of people are like that, including your partner.

You may not be, but how he is isn't anything against you. You just have different sexual views.

ValidPistachio · 07/02/2026 16:07

UltimateSloth · 07/02/2026 15:29

That's the default position for most men isn't it?

And plenty of women, isn’t it?

nc43214321 · 07/02/2026 16:30

Some people can separate sex from emotions and I am definitely not one of them.

ohyesido · 07/02/2026 16:37

He lied to you to put you down.

he knew that would hurt you the most. He knew where your weak spot was and he went for it.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 07/02/2026 17:31

I'm not with one, but I am one.

I don't think it's that uncommon for men. I don't think it's that uncommon for women either really.

Sex is just sex for me. Don't get me wrong, it's hugely enjoyable, and I love having sex with DP, but it doesn't mean anything, any more than playing a game of tennis against her would. It's a physical activity that we both enjoy, that brings us both pleasure. That's about the extent of it.

There's plenty of physical intimacy that does make me feel emotionally close to her, spooning her in bed, lying on the sofa with her head in my lap, when she absent mindedly strokes my leg, sex just isn't one of those things.

That doesn't mean I'm going to cheat on her. While it wouldn't bother me to go off and shag someone else, I would upset DP massively. And I wouldn't hurt the woman I love.

Equally, sex has risks that a game of tennis doesn't. Pregnancy, STIs both have the risk of blowing up our lives and relationship, so equally I wouldn't cheat for that reason, and would be deeply upset if DP slept with someone else.

Smithey588 · 07/02/2026 17:44

BauhausOfEliott · 07/02/2026 14:00

I can separate sex from emotion too. I think a lot of people can. Probably more men than women, but still a lot of women. Plenty of women have one-night-stands. (I think the core demographic on Mumsnet gives a somewhat skewed impression of women’s sexual behaviour overall.)

Also, there is a tendency on Mumsnet to assume that every sexual problem and attitude is ‘because of porn’, which is very naive. Sure, some issues are related to porn. But mostly, they’re issues that have been happening since the dawn of time, and this is one of them. Men, and plenty of women, have been having emotionless sex FOREVER. I started having sex in the pre-internet age when access to porn was extremely limited and trust me, people weren’t having any more romantic and meaningful sex than they are today.

I love my DP very, very much and we’ve been together for 23 years. But I don’t really feel that sex is necessarily an expression of my love for him. I love him but it’s not what I’m thinking about when we have sex. I see it as a physical connection, not an emotional one. I’ve previously had incredible sex with people I certainly didn’t have an emotional connection with. I’d certainly have to find them broadly likeable, but I don’t have to care deeply about them at all.

It absolutely doesn’t mean that I would cheat on my partner. I’d never cheat on him in a million years.

Show quote history

This 1000%.

Women can have emotionless sex as well, and the numbers of ONS for both sexes I’d expect to be pretty equal, although men may be more likely to admit to them.

My ex said something very similar to me the day I broke up with her, I didn’t say what OP’s DH said but sentiment may have been among similar lines.

However, I have sex with my DP to bring us closer together, the few solitary ONS I’ve had have been very much a physical act , probably for both of us, not just me.

ForTipsyFinch · 07/02/2026 17:56

I’m a woman, but sex is physical for me. I don’t need an emotional connection and I don’t really see it as a way of expressing love. However the way he said this is hurtful, but I don’t think it’s an inherently ‘wrong’ position, so to speak 😅 it’s fairly common.

Pepperedpickles · 07/02/2026 18:08

user3398721 · 07/02/2026 13:21

Posting from a different perspective. I'm a woman who's a bit like that. Certainly, in the past I've been able to have sex without emotional attachment, but it doesn't mean that I value my marriage or my husband or the sex in my marriage any less. And it's hard to explain, but feeling that way doesn't necessarily mean all sex is equal or all potential partners are equal.

For me, it has nothing to do with cheating @Ohnonononotagain. Cheating is a choice, and just because I can separate sex from feelings doesn't mean I would make that choice.

Editing to add that I just re-read your initial post and it kind of sounds like you guys were in a moment of heated and not great communication, and he might have reached for something he knew would hurt you, rather than something he necessarily meant?

Edited

Yep I’m a woman and I’m exactly like this too.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 07/02/2026 18:43

This mindset of sex not needing an emotional connection honestly fascinates me as its so alien to me. I've only had one sexual partner, and i had to love him and see a long term relationship commitment from him to be able to have sex with him. I felt asexual in my teens and 20's, turns out i needed physical attraction and love to feel sexual desire, and i'd previously never had both. Even now i can think someone is massively physically attractive and "sexy" but the thought of sex with them turns my stomach, because theres no love/emotional connection.

EatYourDamnPie · 07/02/2026 19:16

It depends what the argument was . If he said something like “I don’t love you anymore “ and then the exchange happened, I can see how you would feel used and confused. If he was moaning at you for some “flaw” , then meh. He could be a dick if the flaw is unreasonable/made up. Or perfectly normal because while he might be annoyed with x,y,z that has nothing to do with sex.

JamesClyman · 08/02/2026 14:29

Speaking as a man, I think the majority of men are like this. I know I am. When a man says about an affair or a fling "It was only sex it meant nothing" he is telling the literal truth.

user3398721 · 08/02/2026 15:11

JamesClyman · 08/02/2026 14:29

Speaking as a man, I think the majority of men are like this. I know I am. When a man says about an affair or a fling "It was only sex it meant nothing" he is telling the literal truth.

Edited

Well, no, it does mean something - that he's a cheating liar with bad judgment who's willing to risk his relationship. And I say this as a woman who, as I said earlier, can detach sex from emotion.

MTOandMe · 08/02/2026 15:19

I am like your husband. I attach no ‘emotion’ to sex at all. I’m glad I only have sex with my husband, but not because I love him, but because he’s very good at it and we both enjoy the same things. I am well aware I am probably in the minority (of women!) but sex and love are, to me, completely separate. I do however still very much love my husband.

Womaninhouse17 · 08/02/2026 18:58

My (ex) partner didn't attach any emotional meaning to sex. He was a very nice, kind, intelligent person but just didn't have what I'd think of as normal emotions - he was completely rational, logical, never jealous etc. He was also inventive and attentive in bed but without the emotional content it just didn't work for me. I think some men find it easier to separate the two.

MaggieBsBoat · 08/02/2026 19:04

Like some PPs I will answer as one. I’ve never attached any emotion to sex. Sex with my DH is lovely because it’s with him but my love for him is neither strengthened nor made more profound by the sex. It’s just sex.

When I was younger I didn’t worry about monogamy or being loyal because I didn’t care. I was horrible when I think about it. Now in middle age, I know I am committed to my DH and will not have sex with anyone else because it would hurt him and our marriage and I love him and us and that’s of great value. Younger me wouldn’t have worried about that.

I think maybe more men are like this than women but I don’t know as this thread is testament to this being just a human thing.