Mum/grandmother can’t be arsed with DC

[Pistachiomonster]

My DD has a big birthday coming up. Both grandmothers are elderly. Both were invited to come out for an Italian meal to celebrate. MIL lives an hour and a half a way and was invited over the phone as she had asked what DD was doing. SIL is bringing MIL up for the weekend. DM living locally was invited in person and didn’t say anything. I followed up with a text message the night before as she still hadn’t responded either way (she has my siblings living nearby or we could have picked her up). To receive a text back to say she wasn’t going to bother and wouldn’t spoil our meal. I knew I shouldn’t even have bothered inviting her. Ironically I think MIL was jealous that DM lived so close to the DC when they were little as she lived even further away then. But her efforts to visit and phone have paid off as strangely they are closer to her than my DM. Any advice.

What does elderly mean? What is your Mum’s health like?

Why does she think she would spoil the meal by going?

I think that ship has sailed. If it was a big birthday for your DD she's presumably basically an adult now and will make her own life. They'll become increasingly distant and won't see eachother and then that will be that. Your mum's loss.

She doesn’t. Some cantankerous old buggers need affirmation over absolutely everything to the point that even inviting them to a birthday meal can’t just be a simple question but does in fact involve lots of pandering and overstating how much you really want them to be there. A simple question is rarely followed by a simple answer often resulting in the fact you wish you’d never asked.

You don't need advice, OP. You just accept that your mother doesn't want to come, and then enjoy the evening with those present. It's very simple.

Maybe she doesn't like Italian food.
Maybe she is skint...
Is she worried about getting there!
/back?
If she is generally an attention seeker hoping you will beg her then accept her refusal.

Don’t see the issue,

she’s said no to one meal.

if it’s a big birthday presumably your dd is eighteen or twenty one - does your dd really want a big family meal?
mine organised their own piss ups at that point.
family meal with grandma was ordeal not a celebration.

They are making their choices.
Simple.

i’d be asking what she meant by “spoil the meal” and that dd has specifically asked if she could be there. i can pick you up at 7pm and return you home after about 9pm. let me know if that suits.

@Octavia64 this isn’t the first time I we have been snubbed. If I hadn’t invited her she would have said or thats nice (sarcastically) that you did something with DH’s mum. My DD is away at Uni (rarely come home) and is just coming home for the weekend to see us because we asked her to celebrate with us and have cards, cake and presents etc with her family. She also has some things planned with her Uni mates but she doesn’t drink so no piss up.

@Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep BM is early 80’s MIL is just past mid 80’s they are both in similar health. DM likes to play the martyr and MIL has a slightly younger less martyr attitude.

Exactly you offer to take DM out, visit invite them for a quiet low key meal to celebrate something like DD’s big birthday an 18th or 21st etc etc or to do something nice (when they are moaning they haven’t been anywhere or seen anyone which is often a lie (when you dig down and ask has so and so not been round etc). Its often met with I’ll just leave it, I’ll not bother, I’ve decided just to knock it on the head, I’ll just leave you to it or you needn’t bother. You end up feeling like if they reluctantly agree something sometimes that they are doing you a favour by letting you come by reluctantly accepting an offer.

@TalulahJP I asked chatgpt to help
me reply. So I didn’t say its your granddaughters b’day its a poor show if you can’t come 10 minutes down the road to attend for a couple of hours etc.

Same age doesn’t mean similiar health and energy levels. Mid 80s very old. The average life expectancy for a women in the UK is 80. She is probably just far to tired to deal with and can’t handle the disruption of routine. This isn’t uncommon for older people.

My mum just says “no thanks” and we accept that. No pleading or fanfare.

Her energy levels fluctuate so sometimes she doesn’t want to accept in advance and then find she isn’t feeling energetic or terribly sociable that day but doesn’t want you to let us down. It’s better to decline than do that. We accept it. No issues.

Thanks having spent time in both of their companies MIL is the older, frailer, less mobile one but she never passes on a chance to see her adult children or grandchildren and was wangling and hinting for an invite. My DM is the younger one and her attitude has been like that for many years. When it suits her she can go places and do things. She plays favourite games with her DC. As her father before her did.

It is an early meal. But it wouldn’t matter whether it was a coffee, whether it was 12 O clock or 3 O clock or whether we were visiting her. She keeps you waiting for an answer and she holds the cards. She has never been the mum or grandmother that I or my DC wanted or needed for about 30 years. She has had little involvement in my DC’s lives her choosing but a lot of involvement in another grand childs life who she has on a pedestal.

My DM plays favourites. She is no longer invited to anything. That is an option of course.

Yes if she had just said thanks for the invite but I won’t come in the first place it would have been sad but easier its the game playing and keeping us waiting. She has been keeping me and us waiting, not letting me know, just deciding on the day when it suits and letting me down and knocking me back for over 30 years. Whether it was a shopping trip, taking her to visit her cousin, my graduation as a mature student, my older DC’s graduation, kids Christmas play, 1st birthday party etc etc.

I should have gone for that option.

After reading your update I wouldn’t bother sending her a message. You will have a better time with out her. Just tell your 18 year old that granny isn’t feeling up to it. As their not close I doubt your 18 year old will be bothered. It is shit for you.

I wouldn’t reply to her message or at most put thumbs up.
id also not bother to invite her again. If she asks point out that she has made it clear over the years that she does not wish to attend these occasions

Yes when another GC went off to Uni a couple of years before my eldest went she went out for a meal with one of my sibling and family (we weren’t invited by my sibling) and after the event she told me in front of my DC that, that GC going off to Uni made her so upset, it was like being bereaved all over again.

We invited her out for a meal just before my eldest went off to Uni no surprise that she declined. My DC recalled my DM’s conversation so she is also hurting them.

You need to accept she doesn’t want to come. I think you’re being too dramatic about it saying she is hurting your children. Granny is 83 she doesn’t feel up to it!

Does sound like she‘s less invested in your children.Focus on what you do have. A really engaged MIL who sounds like she loves them. Put your energy where it’s reciprocal

You need to stop inviting her to anything. Stop pandering to her. She obviously revels in manipulating you and keeping you on tenterhooks about whether she is going to accept your invitation.

She sounds horrible with her favouritism for her other grandchildren which she makes a point of making obvious to you and your children.

Pull right back and stop bothering with her. She's a crap mum and grandmother.

Will do.

Its because she quite blatantly makes the effort for my sibling and her DC. Which is like rubbing mine and my DC’s noses in it and snubbing is which is hurtful.

YABVU to use chat GPT to reply to your own mother.
There is nothing worse than getting an message that the sender has clearly outsourced to chat GPT. It's so obvious, and, frankly, hurtful.