Mum/grandmother can’t be arsed with DC

[Pistachiomonster]

My DD has a big birthday coming up. Both grandmothers are elderly. Both were invited to come out for an Italian meal to celebrate. MIL lives an hour and a half a way and was invited over the phone as she had asked what DD was doing. SIL is bringing MIL up for the weekend. DM living locally was invited in person and didn’t say anything. I followed up with a text message the night before as she still hadn’t responded either way (she has my siblings living nearby or we could have picked her up). To receive a text back to say she wasn’t going to bother and wouldn’t spoil our meal. I knew I shouldn’t even have bothered inviting her. Ironically I think MIL was jealous that DM lived so close to the DC when they were little as she lived even further away then. But her efforts to visit and phone have paid off as strangely they are closer to her than my DM. Any advice.

it is almost like your mum doesn’t care much about your feelings. I would bet she probably knows you’ve clocked what an unkind person she is and this is why she is as covertly as vile as she can get away with. The good news is that you clearly have the capacity and the desire for warm connection with well people. Even better news is there are lots of older women about who can be part of your lives and bring more of the feminine wisdom you’re missing in your mother. And you can surround yourself with as many of these women as you like.

You can’t force someone to show interest in your child’s life.

And I wouldn’t want anyone in my child’s life that actively didn’t want to be in my child’s life.

She has never been the mum or grandmother that I or my DC wanted or needed for about 30 years. She has had little involvement in my DC’s lives her choosing

did you daughter even want someone she hardly knows at her birthday bash?

Yes, DD (was brought up by me and she is kind and thoughtful) although when she suggested asking her she said she probably won’t come but she didn’t want her to feel left out (if she popped up with a card and MIL let slip about the meal).

How old is your daughter @Pistachiomonster ?

Then don't give her the opportunity!
She has apparently been like this for most of your life, she's not going to change now, so you won't actually be depriving g her if anything g except the opportunity to snub you again.

True

I would be over the moon that your mum wanted nothing to do with my children based on how she seems to have parented you @Pistachiomonster . She’s an unpleasant person, and doesn’t appear to have ever shown you differently. She’d have put a dampener on the birthday celebration.

Thanks yes she would have made it very awkward.

when was the last time your daughter even saw her?

I would invite to any occasion/enent just once with a "let us know when you've decided" and then leave it with her. No follow up, no pleading, no pushing for an answer - it sounds like that's the bit she's looking for?

You know she's not going to turn up, so why keep pushing? When she throws it back at you that no one ever visits etc you can say she was invited to Sarah's 21st, and Amy's graduation, and bla bla bla but she chose not to come. Win win.

Maybe its harsh, but I wouldnt entertain playing any of her games. Although maybe clouded by my own experiencws slightly, I went NC with my mother before my children were even conceived to protect them from her and her manipulation.

She’s a fucker

she’s always been a fucker

shes not going to change

stop asking

Matches well to horrible grandma and her horrible behaviour of grandchild favouritism then?

You need to lower your expectations and come to terms with the fact that she's never going to be the mother or grandmother that you want. Stop comparing her to others, stop investing emotionally. Just invite to family things if you feel you must and accept she's not coming. Don't chase her, don't wait for her, don't give her any opportunity to manipulate you.