Taking my In laws on holiday

[Spina]

My DH is close to his parents and sees them every week (stays over) when working in London. My 80 year old Dad (mum passed away 24 years ago) lives in Ireland.
We have been on many holidays with ILs over the years.
I hope to visit my dad for a week this summer. Along with our three children and oldest’s partner (teens to mid 20s in age)
My husband wants to invite his parents along.
I realised a year or two ago that (due to my decision as an 18 year old to move to Uni in UK and subsequent life choices) I possibly wouldn’t see my dad more than a handful of times (I hope he’s actually immortal but not hedging my bets)
My dilemma is that DH wants to bring his dad and mum with us because he thinks his dad only has a few years left.
(ILs are extremely high maintenance on holiday and actually drive my DH bonkers. DH has recently spent three weeks abroad with his dad and we all spend a week with them in late 2025)
What do I do? Let it happen and have a not relaxing holiday trying to keep them entertained while curtailing time with my own dad and siblings or put my foot gently down and point out that I too would like to have some memories with my own biological family.
Perhaps a compromise of them joining us for a few days but even that seems unnecessary.
What would you do?

No they stay at home. This is your time with your family and your dad.

DH gets that every week.

and anyone high maintenance stays home.

Agree with the PP, this is actually really unfair of your DH to ask. He sees his parents a lot. You don't see your Dad, and your visit to him should not be diluted with spending time with the inlaws and keeping them happy.

This, absolutely !

If he absolutely won’t budge, suggest he takes them away somewhere while you and DC visit your family

No do not invite your in-laws along. It will not make for a good holiday for you or your h. This is indeed time for your family and your dad.

I would advise him to deal with any FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) he has re his parents through therapy.

This

No way, do not invite them along.
Do you have any siblings? Has it been long since you were over to visit him? It's just that at his age, he might not be managing as well as you think. My mother used to visit my grandad in England (she was in Ireland), and even though her siblings still lived there, she'd spend a lot of her time sorting out the house, making sure he was eating properly and helping out with things that had been neglected. I hope your dad is doing better than that, but if not, the last thing any of you would want is to bring your in laws.

No this is not a suitable holiday for them. This is your time to spend with your dad not running around after your in laws. Tell your dh no, He can take them away another time. It would be very unfair on you and very very unfair to your Dad.

No. You keep it separate. 💐

Its unfair of your DH to even suggest it. Has he already invited them?

We are both currently in therapy! 😂

This is a time for you and your kids to concentrate on seeing and making memories with your dad. That's the whole purpose of this visit. It sounds like you rarely see him.

No, your inlaws can't barge into your visit to your dad. Your husband's suggestion is really rude and insensitive and frankly, selfish. He sees them all the time. He's been on holiday with them. He has the memories you're trying to make with your dad and his parents are too high maintenance to make this at all feasible.

The answer is no.

Thanks all! I am always very aware that any thing I post will be biased but I honestly don’t feel that there is “another “ side to this one! It just seems so obvious to me. I want to respect my DH’s feelings and concerns and not be a spoiled b about this!
We did discuss it a bit on a car journey earlier (before I even posted) but I feel it was steering towards a “how it will happen “ rather than “if”.
I think it needs to be two separate trips/weekends. I need my DH to actually explain what he needs from this and why? (There is a history of him and his mum asking for others opinions but generally going ahead with what they want. Nether of them realise that they do it!)

For added context he has mentioned the holiday to his parents and they irritated him with their lack of enthusiasm. FFS!

Leave the ILs at home.

This is not really a holiday, is it? It's visiting family - which is a very different animal. Why on earth would the ILs even WANT to go and visit your Dad; wouldn't they spend all their time wanting to go to places and do stuff while you really want to spend a bit of quality time with your dad, not go touring.

Haha! I think it’s unanimous! (My RL friends have also concurred!)
Any ideas on how to get him to see how daft this suggestion is? Wise People!

Show him this thread!

I should have laughed uncontrollably straight away when it was suggested….”oh you are serious ?”.

Goodness, why would he went to ruin your holiday by taking his parents??! He sees them every week. Firm foot down.

We occasionally go on holiday with PILs and BIL/SIL, but only when PILs pay AND it’s somewhere we want to go. That’s worth the compromise, plus they are self sufficient.

This isn't a fair request from your DH.

It sounds like he sees his family a lot. You don't and now it is your turn to spend quality time with your Dad before it's too late, without the in-laws intruding on it. It is a private visit for you.

I'd definitely put my foot down if I were you, and maybe not too gently either.

If you dont want to show him this thread (and I would) then something like

Dh I get you are concerned about how long your parents (dad) have left. This is a concern I also have for my dad at 80odd he is no spring chicken. I get to see my father much less frequently than you see your parents and due to this, the small time I do have with him I would prefer to be concentrated on him. I am happy for us to arrange some other holiday/tume with your parents like we usually do at another time.I need time for my side of the family as well.

These need to be 2 separate trips. You are visiting your family. This isn’t a holiday, per se. If your Dh wants to take his family on holiday to spend quality time with them, then he should take them on holiday and spend quality time with them. Not drag them along to visit your family.

It sounds like you see his family more and have holidayed with them more and have plans with them booked.
Just tell him a kind but firm no and explain why if needed. A no I just won't to focus on family time with my dad should really be sufficient. But if he needs it pointing out be prepared with examples of how you already spend more time with his parents.

Recipe for disaster, if they must go with you then a full frank and discussion what you expect on holiday otherwise you will live to regret.

This is very straightforward to me "darling, I can't wait for some precious 1-1 time with my dad - it's been so long since we've done it, and I'm so glad you get to do it weekly with your parents too."

if my husband suggested taking our kids to his parents die the week leaving me alone I couldn't kick him out the door quick enough

Thank you to everyone for the advice.

UPDATE
I spoke to him about it and asked him to clarify what was important to him about bringing his parents with us.
I expressed that it was important to me to spend time with my family and that I felt that would be easier if we did that without his parents being there. “Perhaps they could join us later in the week if it’s important to “show them Ireland “.
He commented that “that was the first time I had mentioned that seeing (my) family was important”(Internal eye roll from me!) . So it turns out he wasn’t being selfish just oblivious!
It looks like they won’t be coming as he “just thought it was an idea”.
(A daft one!)

🙄

Thanks everyone. ( I came on to post trying to see it from his perspective.)