When you want to leave but are stuck.

[Thistledew]

What do you do when you feel your marriage has died a death, but you currently have no way of leaving that would not cause such spectacular difficulties that you can't contemplate it?

H and I have been together for nearly 18 years, married for 13. We have two DC: DS9 and DD5.

In hindsight, our marriage has been dying a death since DS was born, but things really shifted for me a couple of years ago. We have tried couple's counselling, which for me has resulted in much better clarity about myself, H and the relationship, but has not resulted in us coming closer together.

I really don't see DH in the same way as I did when we married. The biggest issue is that he has anger issues - nothing violent or loud, but these awful frosty silences whenever I or the children do something that he is unhappy with. There have been some other things that he has done which really go against my own values.

But I can't currently work out a way of changing things so that I can leave. My work requires me to travel a couple of times a week - usually very early starts and back by dinner time. I won't split custody 50/50 with DH as I am not prepared to leave the DC to cope with his angry moods by themselves. Changing my work is difficult - I'm trying to build up more work locally but this is particularly difficult to do. I'm putting things in place but at the moment it is only a hope that things might be better in a year or two. Moving much closer to London would help, but I currently live near my mother who is in declining health and mobility and I am an only child. I am also very reluctant to move DS9 from his school before he leaves for high school - he has had a very difficult time at another school previously due to his ADHD and dyslexia and is now flourishing.

We also made some poor financial decisions around the house that we are in- we ran out of money completing a renovation and extension project (H's mismanagement of the funds for this is one of the reasons that I have lost respect for him). Due to where we are located it is likely to be very difficult to sell a partly- finished property and there is a real risk that we would not get sufficient equity out of it in its current state to enable us both to buy elsewhere. I know that many people rent when they separate, but I contributed a significant amount of equity to the purchase of our house from my previous homes and it would be a kick in the teeth to lose that.

I am taking steps to make everything else in my life as good as it can be, and am for the first time in years feeling happy that I don't need my marriage to provide company, friendship etc.

But where do I go from here? If you have stuck out a bad situation for a couple of years, how have you dealt with it emotionally?

I think you misunderstood my post. I am not suggesting she give him more control but change her attitude to stop trying to think she can "make him change ".

And meanwhile protect herself and the children with Self Care and Time Outs when he lashes out.

She stated very clearly a desire to keep living in the same house and she also stated repeatedly that her partner has shown some willingness to learn and have therapy.

I don't condone what he is doing but I do think she is taking what she thinks is the best course of action for herself and my advice is based on giving her coping strategies, ie this is not a Black and White scenario in my view.

OP - you are quite within your sense to leave. You know your situation best. Read and ask around for perspectives. Listen to podcasts. All the best.

If you moved in with your mother would she be able to look after the children on your long work days? I know this doesn’t solve the problem of the 50:50 split.

I don’t act like a surrendered wife and have no plans to start. My mistake has been for years that I have just ignored his sulks and anger and gone about my day as it they don’t exist. Now, I call it out and say to him that it is unacceptable and he needs to remove himself every time. I also ask him directly to make a repair with the children each time too. He does comply, and I think it is finally getting through to him that this is why he needs to work on himself. But effectively re parenting a 47 year old is not exactly an effective route to respect and attraction.

I found out about his lack of engagement with the therapist because I had set it up as family therapy, including DS. H had some sessions on his own but gave his consent for the therapist to discuss with me the themes that had come up (details remained between him and the therapist).

Sadly, her poor health and mobility would really limit her ability to manage things like school runs. Even living together would be a massive gamble- she has chronic pain and some sort of neurological condition that the specialists don’t seem to be able to get to the bottom of. There is no way of predicting whether living with her very lively grandchildren in a lifestyle that would be a massive change and compromise for her would be something that could be tolerable for all of us (and possibly give her a boost to her morale) or would be such a strain that her remaining health would deteriorate swiftly.

Mine has just yelled at me this morning because he can't find the lid to one of the kitchen pans

What would happen if you said to him “Yelling is unacceptable. It is not ok to take your frustrations out on me. Find some other way to manage your upset.”?

OP - this is fine - the title of the book "surrendered wife" is a very poor choice of words. It's not about being some sort of weak womam who lays down and takes it all.

It's about controlling your own reactions to other when they are triggered, taking Time Outs (ones where you explain WHY you are taking rhe time out or why you took it once you're both calm again) and making sure the little time you actually do spend together is positive for both of you until the other person associates you with positivity rather than negativity. Your children will see you being positive or neutral towards their Dad and it will set a good example to them. Never "lay down and take it".