Page 3 | "I intended to pull out"

AnEasternEuropeanLady · 2026-02-04T16:31:59+00:00

We (married with 3 DC, in our late 30s) had a bit of a pregnancy scare last month. We had agreed to have no more babies, even though I was initially sad to let go of my dream of having 4. I know DH is not mentally fit to cope with raising babies. There are other very good reasons, of course, but this one has helped me stay true to the decision we made a couple of years ago. So, in light of the very reasonable decision, we did have unprotected sex. I felt very anxious the next day, told him the timing might have been wrong. He just ^raged^, told me ^I ^had made the decision, I am responsible, he knew it would come to this, because that's how our first child was conceived; I had tricked him into thinking we would not have babies while using the pull-out method, I made him a father without his consent etc etc. He yelled at me for several days, not constantly, of course, but a ^lot^ (until I asked him to just stop and leave me alone, to which he said he'll be glad to do that) Turns out I'm not pregnant. What a relief! I was seriously considering leaving him and just raising the kids alone (might still do that, to be honest!) I am so mad at how much his words hurt me. He has no idea. He has just moved on as if nothing has happened. Went to couples' therapy a few days ago. He mentioned again how we had not intended to have children when we conceived our first, that we were only establishing our relationship, essentially repeated the same "I made him have kids before he was ready and it was my fault" story. Said we hadn't even mentioned the word "baby" when I decided to fall pregnant. That was 12 years ago!!! Now I can barely look at him, I feel so humiliated and hurt. I feel so much anger and shame it's almost unbearable. Absolutely too ashamed to ask anyone in my family or social circle for advice. Can anyone tell me how to cope?

BellesAndGraces · 04/02/2026 18:31

AnEasternEuropeanLady · 04/02/2026 17:16

Well, I was under the impression that we had the relationship established with me living with him and us adopting a puppy and talking about starting a family. I had no idea that we weren't on the same page there. I actually remember talking about babies and being ready, but he says there was no such thing. Might have been my wishful thinking then, because at that time I was actually afraid of infertility and not babies. It was 12 years ago, so I think we have probably just developed very different memories/stories of that time.
Of course, I remember discussing the pull-out "method", but I thought it meant we weren't opposed to having babies and were both ready to start a family. Not only do I feel like an idiot, turns out I actually am one.

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Your updates don’t make sense.

BellesAndGraces · 04/02/2026 18:37

justtheotheronemrswembley · 04/02/2026 18:10

Why are posters focussing so much on this instead of the real issue, which is that this man is a despicable abusive shit and the OP needs as much help as we can give her, in order that she can make the decision to leave her abuser.

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Because her posts are clear as mud. At this stage, it might be jumping the gun to say her DH is abusive rather than justifiably angry. Did she tell him she couldn’t get pregnant? Did he say he would pull out but then, as suggested by the thread title, not? She keeps saying it’s all her fault and then not clearing up why - maybe it is her fault!

MaJoady · 04/02/2026 18:42

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No she's not

More like her husband is being a gaslighting mysogenistic twat and rewriting history. He needs to start taking responsibility for his life

Notmyreality · 04/02/2026 18:45

So is he correct and it was your hope to get pregnant 12 years ago and you hadn’t even discussed it with him beforehand?

cheercaptain · 04/02/2026 19:13

You’re both responsible for your choices, so handle your own contraception—even if he doesn’t. I can’t believe he’s still sulking over the first pregnancy after two more kids. Sounds like he’s blaming you for being a dad… maybe he needs a refresher on where babies actually come from.

OtterlyAstounding · 04/02/2026 19:29

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 04/02/2026 16:49

What is it about MN where people apparently think that the 'pull out' method is a real form of contraception?

Anyway, he sounds awful so just LTB before you become pregnant again.

To be fair, I have children (so am fertile) and had no issue conceiving quickly, but have been using the pull out method with my husband for almost 15 years, with no issues. If you follow it correctly, and aren't super fertile, it can be very reliable. (Not that I'd recommend it to anyone who isn't willing to conceive, as you don't know how well it'll work for you until you've done it for a while.)

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 04/02/2026 19:49

MaJoady · 04/02/2026 18:42

No she's not

More like her husband is being a gaslighting mysogenistic twat and rewriting history. He needs to start taking responsibility for his life

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Yeah, and he needs to take responsibility andf accountability for his decision to:

not wrap his penis
put his unwrapped penis in OP's vagina
ejaculate in OP's vagina

That's HIS penis. HEis 100% responsible for what he does with it. HE is 100% responsible for any pregnancy that issues from these three decisions of HIS.

JFC, all the PPs saying OP bears responsibility for HIS decisions.

OP, stop bloody blaming yourself, it's ridiculous.

Groundhogday2025 · 04/02/2026 19:52

AnEasternEuropeanLady · 04/02/2026 16:47

He initially agreed to have a vasectomy, but later said it'd be too expensive (and uncomfortable). He's agreed to it again (after I said I was considering sterilization as an alternative).

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It’s free on the NHS. The new laser method doesn’t even require stitches. 48 hours with paracetamol and he’d be fine. He’s just a coward.

Solost92 · 04/02/2026 19:55

100% don't have sex with him again until he's had a vasectomy. He can't be that irresistible, he sounds like a turd. Anytime you get the temptation just remember how he spoke to you.

Paisleybuddy · 04/02/2026 19:56

columnatedruinsdomino · 04/02/2026 16:44

He could have had the snip. He could have worn a condom. He doesn’t want children, how about he takes responsibility?

Both parties have joint responsibility. From what OP said she was not forced to have unprotected sex.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 04/02/2026 20:19

Paisleybuddy · 04/02/2026 19:56

Both parties have joint responsibility. From what OP said she was not forced to have unprotected sex.

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Why is she responsible for HIS decisions? He wants to go unwrapped. That means risk of pregnancy - for which HE is 100% responsible.

Theredjellybean · 04/02/2026 20:28

This thread seems to have focused on the contracption issue...when really it's a horrible man issue.
Whether he's stressed about possible pregnancy or not there is no justification for shouting at the OP for days.
I'd be telling him to leave...he clearly didn't want to be a father 12 yrs ago and he doesn't want to be now.
Let him go live a single life... without your care, love, support, etc

ismiledather · 04/02/2026 21:07

Surely your therapist has discussed the fact it's his responsibility to prevent conception if he doesn't want another child?

Monochroming · 04/02/2026 21:41

You both have a very different version of the same story and clearly he has been harbouring resentment for a long time. For him, it bubbled to the surface when triggered by a similar situation (in his mind). If you want to stay together you need to work through this. I'd be booking couples counselling ASAP to air it, otherwise it will fester.

In the recent unprotected scenario, the responsibility was on both of you - you acknowledge it, he doesn't. If I was in your shoes, I'd see this as an opportunity to iron it out because I would not be okay to live with the thought of my partner holding me solely accountable for conceiving our child(ren) - especially when he has been happy to engage in unprotected sex whilst having the opinion that you 'trapped' him in the first place. Classic thinking with his smaller head, situation.

That said, I'm going to go against the grain and say your feelings are valid, but so are his - he just let them out in a very destructive way. It can be repaired, but it will take intervention from a neutral party to understand one another's thought process (starting from twelve years ago).

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 04/02/2026 22:32

Monochroming · 04/02/2026 21:41

You both have a very different version of the same story and clearly he has been harbouring resentment for a long time. For him, it bubbled to the surface when triggered by a similar situation (in his mind). If you want to stay together you need to work through this. I'd be booking couples counselling ASAP to air it, otherwise it will fester.

In the recent unprotected scenario, the responsibility was on both of you - you acknowledge it, he doesn't. If I was in your shoes, I'd see this as an opportunity to iron it out because I would not be okay to live with the thought of my partner holding me solely accountable for conceiving our child(ren) - especially when he has been happy to engage in unprotected sex whilst having the opinion that you 'trapped' him in the first place. Classic thinking with his smaller head, situation.

That said, I'm going to go against the grain and say your feelings are valid, but so are his - he just let them out in a very destructive way. It can be repaired, but it will take intervention from a neutral party to understand one another's thought process (starting from twelve years ago).

"I'm going to go against the grain and say your feelings are valid, but so are his - he just let them out in a very destructive way"

JFC. HE chose to stick his unwrapped dick in OP's vagina and ejaculate in her vagina. HE is 100% responsible for HIS choices.

It was also HIS decision to scream and yell at her. And the fact that he is blaming her for HIS OWN decisions makes that all the more INexcusable.

OP is not just right to feel angry at his behaviour, she should be consideringt o leave this selfish self-absorbed person who literally thinks other people should take responsibility and accountability for HIS decisions.

When oh WHEN will women stop blaming women for men's shitty choices?

Monochroming · 04/02/2026 22:39

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 04/02/2026 22:32

"I'm going to go against the grain and say your feelings are valid, but so are his - he just let them out in a very destructive way"

JFC. HE chose to stick his unwrapped dick in OP's vagina and ejaculate in her vagina. HE is 100% responsible for HIS choices.

It was also HIS decision to scream and yell at her. And the fact that he is blaming her for HIS OWN decisions makes that all the more INexcusable.

OP is not just right to feel angry at his behaviour, she should be consideringt o leave this selfish self-absorbed person who literally thinks other people should take responsibility and accountability for HIS decisions.

When oh WHEN will women stop blaming women for men's shitty choices?

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JFC indeed!

AutumnFroglets · 04/02/2026 22:59

Stop joint counselling but do have your own. He's bordering on being abusive if he harangued you for days on end over HIS choice.

Tell him no more sex until he uses a condom every single time or has the snip since he still harbours resentment from 12 years ago. Although quite honestly that would be a deal breaker for me knowing how much he hates you "trapping" him. He's got a lot of anger in him OP, are there other ways he expresses that?

SandyY2K · 04/02/2026 23:14

He clearly wasn't ready to be a dad and unfortunately blames you for it.
Hopefully, marriage counselling will help.

Paisleybuddy · 05/02/2026 07:47

Monochroming · 04/02/2026 21:41

You both have a very different version of the same story and clearly he has been harbouring resentment for a long time. For him, it bubbled to the surface when triggered by a similar situation (in his mind). If you want to stay together you need to work through this. I'd be booking couples counselling ASAP to air it, otherwise it will fester.

In the recent unprotected scenario, the responsibility was on both of you - you acknowledge it, he doesn't. If I was in your shoes, I'd see this as an opportunity to iron it out because I would not be okay to live with the thought of my partner holding me solely accountable for conceiving our child(ren) - especially when he has been happy to engage in unprotected sex whilst having the opinion that you 'trapped' him in the first place. Classic thinking with his smaller head, situation.

That said, I'm going to go against the grain and say your feelings are valid, but so are his - he just let them out in a very destructive way. It can be repaired, but it will take intervention from a neutral party to understand one another's thought process (starting from twelve years ago).

Totally agree.

PancakesForElephants · 05/02/2026 07:51

You're not an idiot. He's rewriting history to blame you for "trapping" him. I'm sorry, I think he's checked out of your relationship emotionally, and raging at you for days is unacceptable.

Paisleybuddy · 05/02/2026 07:54

AnEasternEuropeanLady · 04/02/2026 17:16

Well, I was under the impression that we had the relationship established with me living with him and us adopting a puppy and talking about starting a family. I had no idea that we weren't on the same page there. I actually remember talking about babies and being ready, but he says there was no such thing. Might have been my wishful thinking then, because at that time I was actually afraid of infertility and not babies. It was 12 years ago, so I think we have probably just developed very different memories/stories of that time.
Of course, I remember discussing the pull-out "method", but I thought it meant we weren't opposed to having babies and were both ready to start a family. Not only do I feel like an idiot, turns out I actually am one.

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Please don’t put yourself down. Perhaps you made a poor choice (we all have done at some point) but you are not an idiot.

Freysimo · 05/02/2026 08:01

AnEasternEuropeanLady · 04/02/2026 17:16

Well, I was under the impression that we had the relationship established with me living with him and us adopting a puppy and talking about starting a family. I had no idea that we weren't on the same page there. I actually remember talking about babies and being ready, but he says there was no such thing. Might have been my wishful thinking then, because at that time I was actually afraid of infertility and not babies. It was 12 years ago, so I think we have probably just developed very different memories/stories of that time.
Of course, I remember discussing the pull-out "method", but I thought it meant we weren't opposed to having babies and were both ready to start a family. Not only do I feel like an idiot, turns out I actually am one.

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Please tell me you didn't adopt a puppy as well!

Enrichetta · 05/02/2026 08:04

What @justtheotheronemrswembley said.

@AnEasternEuropeanLady - your (plural) family planning is clearly dysfunctional, so the first thing is to nail down contraception. You really, really do not want another pregnancy in what is a marriage that is already quite toxic and is now turning abusive.

What is your work/financial situation? Are you in a position to go it alone? Do you own your own home, how much equity is there, and do you work? If not, what needs to happen, what can you do to become sufficiently independent to be able to leave this man? Focus on that.

NB: Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies and family solicitor websites have some good information.

ShawnaMacallister · 05/02/2026 08:30

I know DH is not mentally fit to cope with raising babies

and yet you have 3 and don't use contraception?

StrawberryJamAndRaspberryPie · 05/02/2026 09:21

That’s disgusting behaviour OP. He cannot blame you for a joint venture. I’d leave as he has no love or respect or kindness for you.