"I intended to pull out"

[AnEasternEuropeanLady]

We (married with 3 DC, in our late 30s) had a bit of a pregnancy scare last month. We had agreed to have no more babies, even though I was initially sad to let go of my dream of having 4. I know DH is not mentally fit to cope with raising babies. There are other very good reasons, of course, but this one has helped me stay true to the decision we made a couple of years ago. So, in light of the very reasonable decision, we did have unprotected sex. I felt very anxious the next day, told him the timing might have been wrong. He just raged, told me I had made the decision, I am responsible, he knew it would come to this, because that's how our first child was conceived; I had tricked him into thinking we would not have babies while using the pull-out method, I made him a father without his consent etc etc. He yelled at me for several days, not constantly, of course, but a lot (until I asked him to just stop and leave me alone, to which he said he'll be glad to do that)

Turns out I'm not pregnant. What a relief! I was seriously considering leaving him and just raising the kids alone (might still do that, to be honest!) I am so mad at how much his words hurt me. He has no idea. He has just moved on as if nothing has happened.

Went to couples' therapy a few days ago. He mentioned again how we had not intended to have children when we conceived our first, that we were only establishing our relationship, essentially repeated the same "I made him have kids before he was ready and it was my fault" story. Said we hadn't even mentioned the word "baby" when I decided to fall pregnant. That was 12 years ago!!!

Now I can barely look at him, I feel so humiliated and hurt. I feel so much anger and shame it's almost unbearable. Absolutely too ashamed to ask anyone in my family or social circle for advice. Can anyone tell me how to cope?

The pull out method is very rarely effective so it would be worth getting more robust contraception. However, if he is happy to have unprotected sex he has to accept that a pregnancy is a high possibility. He was happy enough to get a shag.

The thread is titled “I intended to pull out”. Sorry if the answer to this is obvious, but did he fail to do this and still somehow blamed you?

Or did you tell him it wasn’t possible for you to be pregnant and safe time?

Where do you live that a vasectomy is expensive or costs at all? My husband had one a couple of years ago, free, quick referral from GP, only waited a couple of months to get the appointment.

Obviously don’t have unprotected sex again. You haven’t explained why you did it, especially if you’re then going to tell him it might have been when you were ovulating. You’ve both been ridiculous.

No, you are both responsible.

Where has he been all his life that he does not understand how babies are made? Especially as you already conceived one using the withdrawal method?!

He says you tricked him before with your first baby - did he know that you were not using any contraception? If he did then he is equally responsible for the pregnancy.

How about you be honest. You want a fourth. You let him have sex with no condom. Then all faux relief and dramatic you might still leave and !!!!!

Time to grow up.

He is still a twat for all the shouting etc.

Are you in the UK? A vasectomy is free and readily available on the NHS.

I mean I know it's not 100% but I managed to not conceive for many years the conceive 2 very will timed babies using this method. 2 months for the first one and literally one try on the second!
The look at the midwife/Dr face when I ever told them though 🤣

Can you not get a vasectomy on the NHS?

He said a vasectomy would be too uncomfortable for him? Awww bless, because being pregnant for 9 months with every baby and birthing each and every baby isn't at all uncomfortable 🙄

He should get a bloody grip, another selfish man who doesn't give a shit about what women's bodies get put through, and who goes through life blaming women for everything.

And shouting at you several times for a week after he WILLINGLY ejaculated into you? I'd leave the fucker.

Well pull out method isn't reliable enough anyway. But when you knew he came inside you you should've used MAP.

You need actual contraception or one of you gets surgery.

But he is an arsehole and idiot for saying you tricked him into having your first kid. Ok then what about the other two?

Has he not realised it's his responsibility to use a condom if he doesn't want kids? I couldn't stay with someone that fucking dense.

Well, I was under the impression that we had the relationship established with me living with him and us adopting a puppy and talking about starting a family. I had no idea that we weren't on the same page there. I actually remember talking about babies and being ready, but he says there was no such thing. Might have been my wishful thinking then, because at that time I was actually afraid of infertility and not babies. It was 12 years ago, so I think we have probably just developed very different memories/stories of that time.
Of course, I remember discussing the pull-out "method", but I thought it meant we weren't opposed to having babies and were both ready to start a family. Not only do I feel like an idiot, turns out I actually am one.

He yells,at you for days.
Not nice environment
What do ypu want to happen?

Sorry, did he not pull out?

I don't understand why you would have unprotected sex immediately after mutually deciding not to have more children ever. But you're both responsible for that (unless the sex was nonconsensual or someone lied about using birth control) and his blaming you is dishonest (and immature).

Don't waste your time and energy feeling embarrassed! You had no control over his tantrumming. How do you view this once you shake off the immediate shock of it? Does it feel like a last-straw wake up call to end the relationship, or more like a incomprehensible out-of-character break on his part? If he often (or even occasionally) talks to you like that, I would carefully evaluate staying with him and what you each would need to have change to make things workable if that even seems possible. If it's the first time, I'd start with a calm conversation about why he's so upset and irrational; what is this really about?

If you do decide to leave him, don't let him manipulate you into taking more than your share of parenting and daily care of the children. Of course it's not as simple as it sounds, but he does have responsibility for them regardless of what he now says he initially wanted, given that the children are here and his. A vasectomy seems like a pretty good decision for him, whether you two split up or not.

Sorry but you sound super wishy washy about how you conceived the first time. You don't develop different memories or stories.

Theres obviously a deep distrust on his part about your pregnancies.

You both need therapy

He needs a lesson in conception, there is always a small risk even when using contraception let alone relying on pulling out.

To his ‘you made me a father before I was ready’ the response obviously is ‘no, DH, YOU made you a father when you had unprotected sex with me. Own your choices, don’t try to pass the blame with some 4 year old energy ‘she made me do it’ crap.’
Going forwards, EVERY time we were about to have sex, I would say ‘you do realise I could get pregnant don’t you?’ Even if I were using some form of contraceptive like a condom. This would only stop either when he accepts the shared responsibility for becoming a father 12 years ago or he has a vasectomy. That should ensure no nr 4!

There’s a certain kind of man who takes no responsibility for conception, blames the woman for trapping him irrespective of the actual circumstance. And they’re all twats.

He’s not a nice man and he doesn’t sound mature enough for fatherhood - could you cope with 3 kids alone?

Of course people have different memories/narratives of events!

Just get sterillised if that is what you want then stop having sex with him if none of you are going to use contraceptives.

Please please STOP going to couples counselling together. This is an incredibly bad idea for anyone who's the victim in an abusive relationship.

Please go to counselling alone, and don't tell him you are going.

Get on the pill or tell him to get a vasectomy. He’s not right to rage but if you gave a speech about ‘natural’ contraception when you first got together and assured him it was effective I can see where he’s coming from - you took the contraceptive responsibility in that instance. The other times if unplanned are on him. Why why why why do people not use contraception if they don’t want kids.

Why are posters focussing so much on this instead of the real issue, which is that this man is a despicable abusive shit and the OP needs as much help as we can give her, in order that she can make the decision to leave her abuser.