Boyfriend seems to have no boundaries with other women

[ThatDearRubyReader]

I (49F) need advice after an event with my BF (44M). After 7 years together, he ate food from another woman’s plate, handed me her phone to take pics of them, and introduced me by first name only. How might others interpret this behavior, and what factors should be considered in understanding it?

We went to see one of his female high school classmates from 25 years ago. When we arrived, two other female classmates were already there that he didn't know would be there.

He introduced me by first name only - not as his girlfriend, and introduced them by first name and how he knew them. One of the women offered him food from her plate, and he was standing and reached over and ate it. Later, they asked him to take a photo all together, so he grabbed one of their phones, handed it to me and told me to take it. He was in the middle as they posed, and I took the photos.

Afterwards, the women said they didn’t like the photos and he told me I might have to take them again because they didn't like it but instead of giving the phone back to me, they had a random guy take the picture again. The way they were angle required me to get out of my seat and step aside so that I wouldn't be sitting with my drink in the back of the photo.

I did share my concerns and he told me that that I'm insecure and have issues. He said that he didn't do anything wrong and that's what people do in social settings. He said he noticed in the moment that I was having a reaction but he chose to continue what he was doing anyway.

For context these are women that he's seen at different occasions (funerals, high school reunion) over the years. He's never made any mention of them to me until that particular moment.

His female co-workers call him on his personal phone at 9pm at night to talk and vent with him about work issues to which he says is no big deal as well because a lot of people rely and depend on him.

His son also said a while ago that, "Dad loves the ladies because he's always on the phone laughing and making them laugh." I asked what his son meant and he said he was just talking with his female co-workers after work.

It's not just that one isolated event, I question what boundaries, if any that he has with other women because they have a lot of access to him regardless of the time of day. Me asking questions only results in him being defensive, avoiding and responsibility, shifting all blame to me, and shutting down.

I'm not accusing him of anything and have no issues with him having friends, or a social life. I'd just like my thoughts to be heard even if he disagrees or even if I am in the wrong.

Final Update

• We had a phone conversation.
• He said he tried and believes he did nothing wrong.
• He began to apologize but stopped mid-sentence and said he had nothing to apologize for because everything wrong in the relationship was me.
• He said he should not have spoken to me to begin with.
• He listed several concerns he said he had over the years but never communicated.
• He stated that he is a secure man and questioned what it would look like to tell someone he dislikes something.
• He brought up a list of conversations and incidents from 5–7 years ago that he had never previously verbalized as issues.
• He said he gave subtle hints and expected me to pick up on them.
• He said he did not care about my feelings and that he told me what he thought I needed to hear instead of being nice.
• He admitted he had previously told me what I wanted to hear at times to spare my feelings but said he no longer cares.
• He reiterated that he is done with the relationship, while also stating that I am a good woman and that he does not hate me.
• Just last month he said I was the best woman he ever had and that he loves and accepts me for who I am.

After the call:

• He sent approximately nine YouTube and Instagram videos related to relationships with topics like:
• “How men want to be treated”
• “What men value most”
• “How to be in a good relationship”
• “Women say they want a good man until they meet one with boundaries”

I agree with this.

You can do better - order of the boot for him!

He sounds utterly insufferable
the video sending especially makes him an absolute twat

You've helped him raise his son, now son is in his teens, he doesn't need you so much. Unfortunately there are loads of men using women to raise their kids.

The videos and saying he doesn't care about your feelings says it all really.

Sorry you're going through this OP.

It's his right to end a relationship, but to do it so callously after 7 years is mean spirited.

I agree with this and, having read most (but not all) of the posts, I'm very surprised at the numbers of posters ready to cast aspersions on what sounds like an open, friendly, outgoing sort of bloke.

I'd have been advising HIM to head for the hills and distance himself from OP who sounds incredibly insecure, clingy and victim-y.

But no need. He's ended it himself. Good for him. I'm not surprised. I think he deserves better.

I wouldn’t have given any of the party behaviour a second thought tbh…

Wouldnt love the calls to colleagues though.

Insecurities aside, I think the way he has broken up with you over text and a call after 7 years is out of line, and the youtube videos are pretty pathetic attention seeking. You weren’t bringing out the best in each other though and after all that time you’d want to feel secure. Good luck for the future, it will all have been for the best.

He sounds a knob. You are well rid. Maybe have some therapy to address your insecurities.

Dump.

Hi MaddestGranny! Thanks for your input. I would like to clarify that something like this has only happened 3 times within the course of the 7 years we were together. We'd been out many other times with female and male friends and had a great time. I was never making a scene or requiring him to babysit me. I was fine with him socializing. I'm aware that I projected what I would do in a situation onto him and when he didn't act that way I was somewhat bothered and that should've never happened and was unfair to him. I take full responsibility for that and no I'm not a victim. Even being wrong, in a relationship you should be able to have a conversation with your partner without being insulted or belittled.

The call with the female co-worker happened around 9pm at night when we were in the middle of watching television. He answered and she started venting to him about work for all almost 30 minutes. It wasn't as if were an emergency. He has a work and a personal phone, but she called on the personal phone.

Also, as for him breaking things off, that of course is his choice. On his way out he tried to say what he thought were the most hurtful things to me and then say he'd still like to with me and possibly be friends and I can even check in on his son if I want since we'd grown close. This whole experience has been enlightening and has made me look at myself and re-evaluate some things.

Thank you.

Thank you!

He already dumped me.

He sounds fun

edit: only just saw the updates. He sounded fun at the party. The YouTube links are so lame I think you dodged a bullet.

He’s either been sucked in by misogynistic videos or he perhaps wants to pursue a relationship with this friend or one of the other women from that night. It was shit of him to do it over text, I’m sorry.

Hi OP,

I think the stuff about meeting his friends - the way you have written it it all sounds ok. He had probably explained he was bring you and who you were ahead of the meeting so it would have been odd to say 'this is XX MY GIRLFRIEND'.

However often with men who like a lot of female attention, their behaviour and flirtiness is tricky to pinpoint. It's often just this sense that they have a wandering eye and are paying rather too much attention or using a particular tone of voice etc. They may not even realise they're doing it.

Forb some, this is fine. I know that I have no time for men like this though so I would have ditched out a long time ago.

Edit: sorry op, that will teach me for not reading updates!

Usually when someone dumps their long term partner suddenly, over what appears to be a triviality, someone else is behind the scenes.

Whatever the reason, he has put his cards on the table, pretty brutally, my opinion is you are better out of this relationship, sooner rather than later.

It's sad you have grown close to his son, but if it were me, I would certainly not keep any lines of communication open.

Do NOT keep in touch with him. He simply wants to add you to his harem of exes, who make him look like a <great guy> and massage his ego.

I expect you don’t know the full story about all these women. Your gut could feel something was off, though.

Onwards and upwards.

His son also said a while ago that, "Dad loves the ladies because he's always on the phone laughing and making them laugh." I asked what his son meant and he said he was just talking with his female co-workers after work

Out of the mouth of babes.

Unless you think his son is trying to stir up trouble for another reason, this is a warning to you. He knows exactly what his Dad is like. Even his own son is suspicious of his Dad's need to be in contact with all these women, his boundaries, and will also have had a glimpse into what his father was like with his mum as well.

Many men want to have a stable partner, say they want a monogamous relationship, but they don't really, or for the reasons you think. The reason they want to have one partner is because they want one woman have regular sex with, and all the nice comfort, emotional support or status that comes with that.

However, that doesn't mean they're going to let go of the attention and interaction they love having with other women. They just love it too much. Like your partner, they just love being a knight in shinning armour to other women, especially if they're younger, prettier, and preferably single. Those types tend to be more common in liberal, creative or intellectual circles (my own usual circle), where they're able to hide their true intentions under the veil of being progressive.

Regarding introducing you by your first name only - this may be because he's already told those women about you and so there is no need to go ''This is 'x' - my partner''.

However, I have found it interesting to see how men will omit mentioning their partner or wife in front of me. They won't lie and they're single, but their significant other is effectively erased by not mentioning her in key stories or events where someone would mention their partner. So 'We went to that (holiday destination) last year' becomes - 'I was there last there'. Or instead of going 'Oh that's interesting - my wife is also a lecturer of modern history', there is just silence.

The way he has chosen to end your relationship is utterly cowardly and tells significantly more about him than it does about you.

I can to some extent understand his POV of not wanting to pander to what he deems to be your insecurities in social settings / being available to help other women in the evening but to entirely dismiss your feelings here is not right.

Nor is it right that he kept his true feelings about this to himself for most of your relationship, only to then cite these feeling and end it without even an attempt to discuss and resolve the issues - to me that quality is not life partner material, more fair weather partner.

It is ok to be insecure about things, if you conduct yourself and communicate respectfully - which it sounds like you have done in your relationship.

By all means work on yourself if you feel you should, but a good partner should not entirely dismiss your feelings - and certainly shouldn’t run when things get a little tough.

Keep your chin up, you have dodged a massive bullet.

Damn I wish I'd seen this before writing that essay!

I'm sorry OP . 7 years over is a lot. I think you need to be with someone that makes you feel emotionally safe & secure, in a way that they don't feel is some kind of infringement on their life or that makes them feel like they're doing you a big favour.

If you've only been his girlfriend for seven years then it's pretty evident he doesn't respect you for that alone (assuming you're not anti marriage).

On the basis of the interaction you described, from the outside it seems like you overreacting but I'm sure it's the result of lots of build up of mini disrespectful situations from him.

I'm of the opinion that a guy needs to be very clear with female friends that he has a partner and I'd be miffed if he wasn't introducing me as such.

He sounds like a ladies man and I think his kid was trying to warn you.

Eww, he sounds gross.

I hope you messaged him back 'LOL. Stop texting me you freak'.

Lucky escape. Sounds like he's down a red pill rabbit hole.

I agree with this. They would have assumed you were his partner, why else would you be there? Neither the pics or the food go beyond friendly IMO. It depends on the wider picture I guess, if he's talking to his female co workers about work related things and just having a laugh while they do I don't see any issue. Work can be a very bonding experience and lead to friendships, I have male friends through work who I stay with when in town and have drinks with, all with the knowledge of their wives who might have a drink with us too!

ETA sorry, posted before I saw your update...