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Original poster

Boyfriend seems to have no boundaries with other women

82 replies

ThatDearRubyReader · 03/02/2026 00:19

I (49F) need advice after an event with my BF (44M). After 7 years together, he ate food from another woman’s plate, handed me her phone to take pics of them, and introduced me by first name only. How might others interpret this behavior, and what factors should be considered in understanding it?

We went to see one of his female high school classmates from 25 years ago. When we arrived, two other female classmates were already there that he didn't know would be there.

He introduced me by first name only - not as his girlfriend, and introduced them by first name and how he knew them. One of the women offered him food from her plate, and he was standing and reached over and ate it. Later, they asked him to take a photo all together, so he grabbed one of their phones, handed it to me and told me to take it. He was in the middle as they posed, and I took the photos.

Afterwards, the women said they didn’t like the photos and he told me I might have to take them again because they didn't like it but instead of giving the phone back to me, they had a random guy take the picture again. The way they were angle required me to get out of my seat and step aside so that I wouldn't be sitting with my drink in the back of the photo.

I did share my concerns and he told me that that I'm insecure and have issues. He said that he didn't do anything wrong and that's what people do in social settings. He said he noticed in the moment that I was having a reaction but he chose to continue what he was doing anyway.

For context these are women that he's seen at different occasions (funerals, high school reunion) over the years. He's never made any mention of them to me until that particular moment.

His female co-workers call him on his personal phone at 9pm at night to talk and vent with him about work issues to which he says is no big deal as well because a lot of people rely and depend on him.

His son also said a while ago that, "Dad loves the ladies because he's always on the phone laughing and making them laugh." I asked what his son meant and he said he was just talking with his female co-workers after work.

It's not just that one isolated event, I question what boundaries, if any that he has with other women because they have a lot of access to him regardless of the time of day. Me asking questions only results in him being defensive, avoiding and responsibility, shifting all blame to me, and shutting down.

I'm not accusing him of anything and have no issues with him having friends, or a social life. I'd just like my thoughts to be heard even if he disagrees or even if I am in the wrong.

OP posts:
Catwoman8 · 03/02/2026 15:03

The first part of the post sounds OK, you are both in your 40s , saying this is my boyfriend or girlfriend sounds abit childish to be honest. Him taking a bit of food from a plate or having photos sounds fine, so in isolation I don't think it sounds too bad based on that event alone.

However, the late phone calls from work colleagues (if regular) would be more of a concern,.especially if you son has passed comment. Plus the way he disregards your feelings is a red flag.

justtheotheronemrswembley · 03/02/2026 15:11

ThatDearRubyReader · 03/02/2026 14:45

Hey all! I appreciate everyone's thoughts and opinions here and for taking the time to read and share. I've been doing my own self reflections and I'm coming to the realization that I sometimes apply my logic and reasoning to others. Meaning that just because I would do things a certain way doesn't mean that everyone else has to, or what they're doing is wrong, and they shouldn't be made to feel that way. People love and show their commitment in different ways so not putting pressure on someone to "be" a certain way is a healthier approach. So, that's something that I'm mindful of going forward.

He's not showing you any love or commitment. He's treating you like some casual accessory, and he doesn't respect you.

Starlight1979 · 03/02/2026 15:23

purpleme12 · 03/02/2026 08:03

I didn't think there was much wrong either I admit
Thought maybe I was being weird 😆
I'd assume the people knew your relationship with him because I'd assume he'd have told his friend he's going out with you

This. He took you along to an event so I presume that everyone already knew that you were his partner?

How did you want him to introduce you?

secretrocker · 03/02/2026 15:29

JaneOfGaunt · 03/02/2026 01:01

Personally, I think the way he behaved at the party seems pretty normal. I assume he thought the context made it obvious who were were when he introduced you. I don’t think DH ever introduces me as his wife. And the food and photo thing seems totally normal and no big deal. I can see why he didn’t respond to you looking pissed off, if he was just trying to have a nice evening with his friends and you were annoyed over very little.

Me too. Nothing he did at the party sounds unusual for anyone who's a bit friendly with social skills.
I was prepared to read about him flirting, touching or saying something innappropriate, but it didn't sound like he did.
I agree with him, you are the insecure one.

Original poster
ThatDearRubyReader · 03/02/2026 15:30

After replaying everything, I projected what I would do onto him instead of enjoying the moment and getting to know people from his past.

OP posts:
Bonkers1966 · 03/02/2026 15:32

Might be time for a relationship declutter. Nice for him to have a steady partner who supports him while carrying on like a teenager

Christmasinmecar · 03/02/2026 15:34

JaneOfGaunt · 03/02/2026 01:01

Personally, I think the way he behaved at the party seems pretty normal. I assume he thought the context made it obvious who were were when he introduced you. I don’t think DH ever introduces me as his wife. And the food and photo thing seems totally normal and no big deal. I can see why he didn’t respond to you looking pissed off, if he was just trying to have a nice evening with his friends and you were annoyed over very little.

You bar seems low love. Op's bf sounds like a real twat with women.

Fernticket · 03/02/2026 15:40

DiscoDuck40 · 03/02/2026 14:50

I once was married to a git like this. They get off on humiliating you. He was quite attractive and he loved flirting with women in front of my face, while they flirted back. It was also terribly embarrassing I felt ashamed of being with him at events because of his juvenile behaviour. I know that he also incurred the wrath of a least one husband because he was emailing his wife...just one massive show-up.

It was a wonderful relief when we split. You need to get rid of him.

My exh behaved like this at times and thought he was quite the ladies man. If I said anything, I was 'jealous'. It was surprising after we split up, the number of female friends who told me how uncomfortable he made them feel....

Christmasinmecar · 03/02/2026 15:41

Fernticket · 03/02/2026 15:40

My exh behaved like this at times and thought he was quite the ladies man. If I said anything, I was 'jealous'. It was surprising after we split up, the number of female friends who told me how uncomfortable he made them feel....

Show quote history

Yep, same here.

JustGiveMeReason · 03/02/2026 16:40

JaneOfGaunt · 03/02/2026 01:01

Personally, I think the way he behaved at the party seems pretty normal. I assume he thought the context made it obvious who were were when he introduced you. I don’t think DH ever introduces me as his wife. And the food and photo thing seems totally normal and no big deal. I can see why he didn’t respond to you looking pissed off, if he was just trying to have a nice evening with his friends and you were annoyed over very little.

This ^

And this

Me too. Nothing he did at the party sounds unusual for anyone who's a bit friendly with social skills.
I was prepared to read about him flirting, touching or saying something innappropriate, but it didn't sound like he did.
I agree with him, you are the insecure one.

Everything in your post describing him sounds like normal interactions for any person in the situation.
I have no idea what you are getting worked up about.

Original poster
ThatDearRubyReader · 03/02/2026 17:28

Update. I just received a breakup text. To sum it up, He said that I'm insecure, he felt like he had to be on eggshells at the event because this has happened 2 other times over the last 7 years and that it's too much for him, he can't fix me, and that he felt disrespected. He thanked me for the good times and the value I added to his life. He said he still wanted to keep a line of communication open because he enjoys our conversations, but no longer wants a romantic relationship.

OP posts:
TheThingOnTheIce · 03/02/2026 17:35

He dumped you over text after 7 years! If you’re honest with yourself was his flirting really the only issue in this relationship?

Original poster
ThatDearRubyReader · 03/02/2026 17:54

We've had only about 3 of those types of incidents to which he eventually felt like bringing me around would lead to problems after and him thinking he may have had a better time without me. I've brought up other concerns over the years and he also became defensive. Some I could see was me but other times it wasn't. These were happening maybe once every 6 months or so. Not like we were fighting every day. He added it all up and said it was too much for him.

OP posts:
LiveToTell · 03/02/2026 17:59

Christmasinmecar · 03/02/2026 15:34

You bar seems low love. Op's bf sounds like a real twat with women.

Show quote history

Nope - you sound controlling if you think the OP was right to overreact to a normal situation with friends (sorry OP, I mean that kindly to you).

The poster you quoted was rational and fair.

NovemberMorn · 03/02/2026 19:19

ThatDearRubyReader · 03/02/2026 17:28

Update. I just received a breakup text. To sum it up, He said that I'm insecure, he felt like he had to be on eggshells at the event because this has happened 2 other times over the last 7 years and that it's too much for him, he can't fix me, and that he felt disrespected. He thanked me for the good times and the value I added to his life. He said he still wanted to keep a line of communication open because he enjoys our conversations, but no longer wants a romantic relationship.

It sounds like you took the relationship more seriously than he did.
As for leaving the lines of communication open (keeping you dangling) I wouldn't even bother replying.

Lostworlds · 03/02/2026 20:37

A break up a text after 7 years together is shocking. I understand why you’re both feeling upset and perhaps it might be good to have some time apart to see what you both want. However, doing this over a message is rubbish!

CypressGrove · 03/02/2026 23:22

I agree that breaking up via text after 7 years is not good at all. I imagine he felt embarrassed about the way the OP behaved at the event and felt they were just going around in circles about this issue so overall he's done the right thing ending the relationship.

ChristmasFluff · 04/02/2026 07:38

Sometimes Fate steps in when we make the wrong decision, OP, and I think this has happened to you here.

I strongly encourage you to block him everywhere. His break-up text after 7 years has shown you that this is not a good man.

And it also leaves the door open for him to come back and say he sent the text in a moment of impulsiveness, and he really wants to get back together - but you simply can't keep on 'controlling' him. So he gets to fool around under your nose and you cannot complain, because he has trained you that if you do he will dump you.

Or he will get in touch after a while offering friendship - a place in his harem.

That text tells you everything about the sort of person he is - please, use your boundaries now and block him from your life, because further contact with him will never end well for you.

secretrocker · 04/02/2026 10:15

Breaking up by text after 7 years is pretty rubbish, but on balance I think he did the right thing.
No-one should feel like they have to walk on eggshells all the time when with friends.

Mydahliasareshit · 04/02/2026 11:41

His boundaries are weak, so erect some strong ones of your own and block him. Otherwise he'll just keep trying to reel you in or use you as 'just a friend' against his next victim.

Flowersforyourchocolateprettyplease · 04/02/2026 18:45

ThatDearRubyReader · 03/02/2026 17:28

Update. I just received a breakup text. To sum it up, He said that I'm insecure, he felt like he had to be on eggshells at the event because this has happened 2 other times over the last 7 years and that it's too much for him, he can't fix me, and that he felt disrespected. He thanked me for the good times and the value I added to his life. He said he still wanted to keep a line of communication open because he enjoys our conversations, but no longer wants a romantic relationship.

Sorry OP but that sounds like he's had an in with one of the ladies and this is so he can have his fun as you were on a break.

The deal breaker was him prioritising his friend's feelings over yours.

He saw you were upset and chose to rub it in, that's not love.

How old was his son when you first met?

Original poster
ThatDearRubyReader · 04/02/2026 19:14

His son was around 5 when we met, he's now 13.

OP posts:
ApplebyArrows · 04/02/2026 19:22

Doesn't sound like a problem to me. Friendships formed at school are usually more intense than adult friendships - you're around the same people all day ever day for years, often socialising with them extensively outside school as well. His behaviour doesn't seem inappropriate to me for friends with that kind of history.

VoiceFromThePit · 04/02/2026 19:31

Heaven forbid he treats his friends like… friends, and acts like a… friend; in a social setting. This is all on you, clearly you do have issues with him even speaking to other women, I guess you’re not well matched.

blythet · 04/02/2026 19:34

Flowersforyourchocolateprettyplease · 04/02/2026 18:45

Sorry OP but that sounds like he's had an in with one of the ladies and this is so he can have his fun as you were on a break.

The deal breaker was him prioritising his friend's feelings over yours.

He saw you were upset and chose to rub it in, that's not love.

How old was his son when you first met?

Show quote history

It actually sounds to me that he’s fed up with her neediness and insecurity.

if I was with a bf who behaved like that around male friends I’d have for decades I’d see it as a major red flag.

I introduce my DH by his first name. On the basis OP was in a long term relationship and he has been in contact with these friends over the years they already know he has a partner called “Laura” so by saying “this is Laura” they then know
who it is? I actually think it would sound strange to say “this is my gf”??

eating off someone’s plate when they’ve offered - no big deal.

posing for a picture with friends - no big deal, especially when op was there so hardly like he’s onto anything

seeing she’s annoyed and feeling insecure - I’d also ignore if that was my bf as I wouldn’t be pandering to that type of controlling behaviour. The fact he’s now ended it shows that he was annoyed by it so he’s hardly going to make a fuss and embarrass himself by being rude to friends for sake of op.

chatting to colleagues who are friends out of work - no issue if this is open & transparent with nothing being hidden then so what?!