Libido miss match - how can I explain it?

[zamu]

Name change because I'm probably paranoid 😅

I'm early 40s and I'm bloody shattered. I don't sleep well and my libido comes and goes. Husband and I been together for around 20 years and have a great relationship with the exception of the fact our libidos are entirely mismatched and he takes it incredibly personally.

I would be quite happy with once a month whereas he would be up for it every night. Quite honestly, I just don't have the energy and he makes me feel bad about it - not deliberately but he just does. He doesn't know how to read the room and can try it on when I'm in the worst mood. I'm just coming out the other side of losing a parent and the grief was overwhelming. I thought I had been doing really well to be honest and my mood had improved but out of nowhere, for the last week, I've been really flat. Not depressed or anything, just a bit flat and low. If I had just been left to get on with it, I would have come out the other side but even though he had noticed my low mood (pointed it out to me to be honest because I was a-ok in my own thoughts) and then tries it on a day later. Then I say no not tonight (as gently as I can) and he has a little strop over it. It makes me feel like the worst person in the world but I just don't have the bloody energy.

Anyway, point of my post is, how can I say no and stick to what I'm comfortable with without him taking it so personally? Not there will likely be the 'you don't fancy me' chatter etc (at least when things aren't so awkward between us, barely talking since). Surely I should able to say no?! But I do understand that there are two people in this relationship. It just makes me want to back away entirely because I'm sick of justifying it. Please be kind, I'm exhausted by the whole thing x

You literally have to say what you’ve said here. I have a very similar situation in my own marriage. Mine is compounded by me having physical disabilities that have completely killed off my ability to have sex and libido as well. I got to the point where I literally said to dh it’s either this or you leave and find someone else because I’m not living like this anymore. He was very upset and horrified, he said how could I think he’d want to leave - and so here we are, virtually sex less and he knows I’m not doing it to hurt him but equally I’m not going to have sex that I don’t want or that I find painful. (He didn’t really realise how my disabilities were affecting it all to be fair). I got to the point I would really rather be on my own than be pestered for sex so I wonder if you’ve reached that point yet, because when you do you have nothing to lose being honest.

Can I ask something, if his libido is high and he is horny all the time and doesn't get a release, how do you think this will end up? It's best to sit with him and talk this through and agree on something, even if he just lay in bed next to you playing with himself whilst you're encouraging him.

You can’t change his behaviour, only he can do that. Frankly, he’s a sulky sex pest and that in itself is a massive turn off.

Tell him he’s a sulky sex pest and it’s a deal breaker for you. Tell him either he addresses his behaviour or you will divorce him. I can absolutely guarantee if things don’t change you will divorce him.

If she’s not up for sex, the very last thing she needs is DH playing with himself, whilst she encourages him. Just NO.

You're very obviously a man

I'm sorry to hear this. At least he is a bit more accepting of it now. It is relentless otherwise

Had a little chuckle at sulky sex pest 😅 I know what you mean though

Not being flippant but you've been his wife for 20 years and you know him better than anyone and you are asking strangers how? We dont know his level of sensitivity, you know him best so trust yourself and say it.. he already has noticed the libido issue I am sure. Might feel relieved it's finally being addressed.

A parent dying is such a huge deal. I think it’s an underestimated threat to a lot of relationships.

You may not feel you ‘need’ counselling or therapy but he is trying extremely clumsily to connect, while you are withdrawing. It would be a good thing to at least see your GP and talk about possible options - not to ‘fix’ either of you but to acknowledge the seriousness of what you’re going through and how you’re reacting.

i do think that couples therapy would be a good idea. There is a real incompatibility between you. But I think your grief is more of an issue just at the moment.

A quick search shows he’s normally lurking in the sex board 🤢

Unfortunately sulky sex pest can be the tip of the iceberg. I was sulked/guilted into sex acts I didn't want, but he resented me anyway and left me for a mid life cliché. At one point before leaving he complained that I made him feel like a sex pest. I wish I'd pointed out that there's an easy way to cure that, stop being a sex pest. Absolutely nothing attractive about being mauled or sulked at about sex.

gosh you’ve had quite polarised responses so far. This is quite a common issue and I can definitely relate to the exhaustion and not being mentally in the right place. Don’t go down the road of villainising your husband for wanting to have sex with you though, it’s a normal part of a marriage. You need lots of effort (both of you), communication empathy to find a middle ground. Look at him honestly, as long as he’s not being nasty or coercive then there’s a middle ground to be found.

Erm fuck that
my DH would have sex pretty much daily if I was up for it but when I lost my mum he STFU and waited for me to initiate every single time for months. Women are allowed to go off sex due to life stresses - it's how we are made. Any man who thinks it's ok to pressure his grieving wife is a total prick. You know what happened with me and my DH? Back to having amazing sex at least twice weekly - nobody sulks or complains, and he gets his end away with regularity. Win win, because he wasn't a coercive prick.

I am the person on the other side. My husband never wants sex. And honestly it kills me. I feel so unattractive. And wish he would seek help to sort it out. It’s ok not want it every night. Have you told him what you have written here.

What's your solution to the matter? Let me guess, you deserve better and dump him?

Are men excluded from the conversation? My bad I thought you were seeking advice and this is an open platform?

I don't think that's the only place I contribute to but well done sherlock you solved the mystery 😉

This was me and exdp. I left because I realised I couldn’t make him happy at a deep level, and he couldn’t make me happy on a deep, emotional level. We both have new dp -his new partner has an equally high libido while my new partner doesn’t.

My advise was to sit down with the partner and talk to him and come to an arrangement of some sort. It's a two way street where both partners compromise, no one can have it all. My point still stands, if you are going to grief for 2 years which is totally acceptable but completely ignore your partner in bed, how will this end up?

I’ve posted my solution. She tells him that being a sulky sex pest is a complete turn off and he needs to address his behaviour.

The very idea of telling the op to lie beside him whilst he plays with himself whilst she encourages him, whilst she is grieving, is pretty sick to be frank.

You gave your solution, I gave mine. 2 different approaches to a problem and I wonder which one will yield results in terms of strengthening a relationship. Also if you can't sit next to your partner of 20 years, for something like this what's the point of the relationship? Also what's the alternative? Do it secretly whilst watching other women on porn sites ? Find comfort with other women? I don't know the ins and outs of this problem, I'm going by what op said which is she was coming out of the other side of grief.

What’s the point in a relationship if you can’t sit next to them wanking? Are you that shallow?

Pandering to a sulky sex pest is only ever going to end one way, and that is the realisation that you’re married to a prick. A prick who is more interested in getting his end away, than he is in building a loving relationship.

Yes apparently he is.

You are talking about a man that she's been married to for 20 years! A man asking his wife for sex is now labeled as a sex pest and a sulky man. I would love to be a fly on the wall and listen to her take your advice whilst she call her husband that to see how will this go down as. I wonder what advice would you give her when she comes back and say my husband of 20 years cheated on me with another woman cause we didn't have sex and I had low libido. Let me guess it's the man's fault and he should of controlled himself and kept in. I dont even know why I even bother carrying on the conversation. OP I am terribly sorry and I take it back he is a sex pest and you are better off without him. Dump him.