Libido miss match - how can I explain it?

[zamu]

Name change because I'm probably paranoid 😅

I'm early 40s and I'm bloody shattered. I don't sleep well and my libido comes and goes. Husband and I been together for around 20 years and have a great relationship with the exception of the fact our libidos are entirely mismatched and he takes it incredibly personally.

I would be quite happy with once a month whereas he would be up for it every night. Quite honestly, I just don't have the energy and he makes me feel bad about it - not deliberately but he just does. He doesn't know how to read the room and can try it on when I'm in the worst mood. I'm just coming out the other side of losing a parent and the grief was overwhelming. I thought I had been doing really well to be honest and my mood had improved but out of nowhere, for the last week, I've been really flat. Not depressed or anything, just a bit flat and low. If I had just been left to get on with it, I would have come out the other side but even though he had noticed my low mood (pointed it out to me to be honest because I was a-ok in my own thoughts) and then tries it on a day later. Then I say no not tonight (as gently as I can) and he has a little strop over it. It makes me feel like the worst person in the world but I just don't have the bloody energy.

Anyway, point of my post is, how can I say no and stick to what I'm comfortable with without him taking it so personally? Not there will likely be the 'you don't fancy me' chatter etc (at least when things aren't so awkward between us, barely talking since). Surely I should able to say no?! But I do understand that there are two people in this relationship. It just makes me want to back away entirely because I'm sick of justifying it. Please be kind, I'm exhausted by the whole thing x

Libido is not something you can switch on and off at will.

hth

@Error4O4 the asking isn’t the issue it is the response, the sulking and stropping and not reading the room.

its the not recognising that a women in grief needs a supportive husband and a hug not a man whose only thought is sex.

Sex is an important part of a relationship BUT it is only a part - others include respect (he is giving it) listening (he isn’t) feeling needs are equal (he puts his first) compromise (he isn’t even trying to compromise and see things from her perspective)

the failure of the relationship isn’t becuase she isn’t meeting his needs it is his failure to even she her and someone who has a voice and needs of her own

Not feeling up to sex doesn't give your OH the right to cheat - so yes of course it would be his fault if he did. If he's a cheater then she is 100% better off without him.

You just sound like a twat tbh, why don't you run along to Reddit where you'll find people men much more like you.

Do you have any idea what it’s like to have zero sex drive due to stress / grief / depression etc. and be guilted into participating directly or indirectly in sexual activities so your partner gets his ‘release’?

It’s fucking dehumanising.

He wants sex every night. How does she know that? Because he’s pestering her. She says he has a strop when she turns him down. So yes a sulky sex pest.

Is that really how men think? If you don’t give me the sex I’m entitled to, I’ll cheat?

I think this situation is very common. Its seems as we get older our interest in sex declines, but, often, it declines faster in women than it does in men.
One possibility it that whilst the man sees what he is doing as sex the woman can see it as simply doing what she can to make her man happy. Both parties need to make compromises. If they are not both prepared to do that then, perhaps, they should part.

Dp cuddled up to me in bed Saturday morning and said 'shall we have some fun?' I looked at him and went 'no thanks' and he looked so hurt 😂 but I really wasn't in the mood. Since I've reached peri menopause my libido has dropped off a cliff. Prior to this I wanted sexy daily. Some times it feels like a chore I have to endure. I love him so much and am still attracted to him. But I have to be in the mood.

You say your relationship is great, with sex being a small part of it, have you asked your husband if he feels the relationship is great for him too?
Try and explain to him what you wrote here, honestly, but also suggesting a solution if you think there is one.

HRT…. I see both sides but if you once enjoyed a healthy sex life and wish to not try and see what the problems are and just don’t have sex going forward you can’t expect him to stay in a sexless marriage. Works both ways right?

I am a man, too, but I would strongly suggest against @Error4O4 's suggestion. (Sorry man, I am not hating on you, but it did make me shudder). I would want nothing less than for my wife to just play along for my benefit, and encourage me touching myself while she would rather not engage in anything sexual in nature at the moment. What I want from sex is that my partner would equally want it, I don't want someone looking at the ceiling, or even worse - act like some cheap porn actress and fake the moans and everything...

I think nothing what you described @zamu is out of the ordinary, really... It's natural not to be so sexual in the given circumstances... What would give a better insight is what your intimacy was like before the grief? I am slightly alarmed by your question "surely I can say no" - making me think you just bit the bullet every time... I hope I am wrong. Of course you can say no - but if it's not something you made your husband aware before, he will need to be explained... retrospectively, too, unfortunately. And yes, he should know, yes, i agree.

Ha ha

Have u been to a GP and had everything checked out. Im early 40s and still want it twice a day 😂
There has to be a balance here between what you need and what he needs. Its all about compromise. If you try and get to bottom of what's going on and take steps to improve it, your DH will appreciate that

From the sound of this one this relationship is done.

I think you need to start the conversation about how you want to arrange ending things. Perhaps that is a quick split and arranging life apart, perhaps it is some extended separation.

You may want to get 3rd party help to keep it low conflict.

Does he show you care and affection? Can you hug etc without it having to turn into more on his part? If ‘no’ there’s part of yhd issue.

Eww. Clearly a man. "Playing with himself" 🤮🤮🤮

I think expecting him to be a mind reader is unreasonable.

Youre reading subtext, that may not be there. And hes not noticed your subtext that is.

I think you need to talk to him or if youre too vulnerable show him your OP

Sorry for your loss OP