Separate rooms in a happy marriage - bad idea?

[FriskyNoodles]

I'm in a quandary. We've been together forever (35+ years). No issues, no affairs, never fight, basically we are each other's best friend. Being both in our early 60’s sex needs a bit of notice due to mild ED, and with the kids long gone it tends to be an afternoon activity. Despite this we usually manage it once a week or so, which is fine. We’re happy.

DH has been sleeping in the in the spare room for the last few weeks as I’ve been ill, it was weird at first but we’ve both kind of got used to it. He travels for work a bit so it wasn't that big a change I suppose. Having separate rooms means we are both getting a lot more sleep as neither of us are great sleepers. I like to read at night, he doesn’t, so our schedules don’t match up at the end of the day.

I’m pretty much recovered now, but neither of us has even raised the prospect of him moving back into the bedroom. We still love each other, we still fancy each other, we still want to have sex. Can a good marriage survive separate rooms, or is it the start of a slippery slope to drifting apart and being roommates instead of lovers? We will need to talk about it at some point soon, but before we do I need to work out what I actually want.

We slept in separate rooms for years. It was blissful. As we grew older we didn’t sleep as well due to snoring, up for the loo etc. Game changer.

I sometimes sleep apart from dh (he snores when he drinks so often a Friday and Saturday night) - I have to say I really quite enjoy those nights 😂 I go Into the spare and watch whatever crap telly I want or read with the light on without feeling guilty my bright light is distracting, take up as much of the bed as I wish and generally sleep through the night better.
i’m not against a permanent move to be honest.

Separate rooms are great, separate houses are even better 🤩👍

On the contrary, it’s a brilliant idea. I’ve been single for a while now and one of the absolute heaven things is my own bed. I would never go back to it again. In fact, I’ll go a step further, and argue the opposite- assuming you still have the sex you want and cuddles etc - why on earth wouldn’t you sleep separately given it’s so so much nicer?

I had this arrangement in a previous relationship. Snuggles every night, then I'd move to the other room from some really decent sleep. It was great! Carving out time every day for some affection was key.

DH and I have had separate rooms for a couple of years and it really works for us. We started for various reasons but mainly we have different bedtimes and get up times, as in a couple of hours difference, he goes to bed at least 90 minutes after me and I’m usually up at least an hour before he is. I also get up at least once during the night, we both snore and I’m a much lighter sleeper. We’ve been married for nearly 40 years.
When we go away though, we usually get one room and that’s fine too. It starts to get too expensive to get two rooms

if separate rooms works for you, then do it, sleep is so important to function each day.

I sleep separately a few nights a week and I love it. DH goes to bed earlier than I do and is also up earlier. I like to read in bed. We're mid 40s and also happy. 2 teen DC. I think it's healthy but we do need to be mindful of making time for each other (well I do).

We are like this. I am a terrible sleeper and toss and turn all night, DH only has to breathe and I’m awake! So separate beds it is, we are 49 & 59 and our sex life is great. We also tend to go to bed on a weekend afternoon, have sex, hug for a good while after chatting about our week. I also tend to sneak into bed with him at 6ish for a hug. I need sleep though as I work 13 hr days and this works for us.

I would really like this. My DH has developed a sleeping"twitch" and last night it was so bad I was awake between 2-3am and then 4-5:30am. I'm so tired today and trying not to be grumpy with him.

I would love this.
I love DH, he is great. But for me bed is for rest and proper sleep which I find so hard when there is another person there.

I'm 60 and can't remember a time when my parents never slept in separate rooms. Dad worked away all week so both of them were used to having their own space. They were together for almost 60 years and were very happy.

We have separate rooms 4 nights a week due to my husband's health issues and my job being demanding and tiring, plus working around it with his care. However we like you also have a love life! 😊 been separate rooms last 7 nights due to also both being at different stages of a rotten cold but due to 'reunite' later next week but still keeping the 4 night schedule. This works well for us both and has for a few years- I literally think its whatever works best for you both and I don't think its a reflection of how good a marriage is, other than its positive when changes can be accommodated that benefit both partners, if that makes sense

We've slept in separate rooms for years. He snores and is twitchy in his sleep. I'm a very light sleeper and have a health condition that's exacerbated by tiredness.

We have a very healthy sex life. We've had several children in that time.

Imo it only causes problems if people don't make the effort to maintain intimacy, but that's the same when sharing a bed.

DH has got restless legs as well as truly terrible sleep patterns, and I was finding myself snappy and short all the time as I was so sleep deprived. He refused point blank to go into the spare room and the mattress is far too soft for me to sleep on regularly. Then my Dad fell ill, was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I just lost the plot one day as I was so sleep deprived. DH finally slunk off to the spare room, and he's still there 3 years later. We tried on holiday a few months ago to share a room and we lasted until 1am when I started screaming at him We're very happily married and it's just normal for us now. We're much nicer to each other because of it, and he comes into my bed most mornings for a cuddle.

Thanks everyone, always a relief to discover you're not the only one!

I see your seperate rooms and raise you separate floors - bloody brilliant because I can't hear him either (3 storey house)! We both wfh so have plenty of time for sex when we want, and not sleeping in the same room gives us the ability to not be kept awake by the other one being restless or loud.

Well I am relived to hear this. DH snores and I am a light sleeper so he ofteb sleeps in the spare bedroom

My parents have done this since Covid and it works well for them

My wife and I often play musical beds mainly because my wife is and has always been a poor sleeper. Often I go to the spared bedroom for various reason such as restless legs or other reasons. The thing is it suits us for the last sixty six years and I am sure a great many others also.

I have to sleep away at work 2 or 3 nights a week and love sleeping alone. Would be very content with separate bedrooms but cant see DP ever entertaining the idea

I would really like this but DH doesn’t want to as he believes it signals ‘the beginning of the end’, which I don’t believe at all- it would purely be a practical arrangement to allow us both to sleep better! (I’m a night owl, he isn’t, and his snoring disturbs me)

I believe sleep divorce is absolutely amazing, been doing it for years. It first started when my hubby had a frozen shoulder and needed extra specs to spread out, I love it. Our sex life is still fab, I can definitely recommend it.

Recently my M.I.L stayed with us for 5 weeks to recover from pneumonia. I was devastated that I was required to give my bed up. I couldn’t cope being in the same bed all night, so I set the sofa bed up in the office, bliss 🤪

We’re married 35 plus years. Kids are gone. We both sleep better. We have sex all around the house, shower etc. about once a week. Sometimes twice if I’m lucky! We’re both happier with getting our sleep.

DH and I both snore so sleep in separate rooms. We go up to bed in “our bed” and then when it’s time to go to sleep I go in “my” room. (Which is painted pink! 😍)
we have a great sex life and an amazing marriage and I feel this is partly due to getting a good sleep every night. Can’t underestimate the power of good sleep!

It's more common than you think!