Separate rooms in a happy marriage - bad idea?

[FriskyNoodles]

I'm in a quandary. We've been together forever (35+ years). No issues, no affairs, never fight, basically we are each other's best friend. Being both in our early 60’s sex needs a bit of notice due to mild ED, and with the kids long gone it tends to be an afternoon activity. Despite this we usually manage it once a week or so, which is fine. We’re happy.

DH has been sleeping in the in the spare room for the last few weeks as I’ve been ill, it was weird at first but we’ve both kind of got used to it. He travels for work a bit so it wasn't that big a change I suppose. Having separate rooms means we are both getting a lot more sleep as neither of us are great sleepers. I like to read at night, he doesn’t, so our schedules don’t match up at the end of the day.

I’m pretty much recovered now, but neither of us has even raised the prospect of him moving back into the bedroom. We still love each other, we still fancy each other, we still want to have sex. Can a good marriage survive separate rooms, or is it the start of a slippery slope to drifting apart and being roommates instead of lovers? We will need to talk about it at some point soon, but before we do I need to work out what I actually want.

@FriskyNoodles

Oh it is the BEST! I love having separate bedrooms. Had them for the best part of 16-17 years now (since around our early to mid 40s.) I got my own bedroom when we got a 4 bed home. I couldn't sleep with DH any longer because of his snoring. It was brutal. It was worse when he was fatter, but still annoying and quite loud when he was thinner. And he never did anything about it.... We first got together at 23-24, and started living together at 25, and he was OK til around 36-37 years old, but then he started snoring, and it got worse and worse very quickly. From a faint rasping, to a full on foghorn within a year or so.

Not only that, but there was the grunting, coughing, moving about in the bed flailing his arms about, and getting up 3 or 4 times during the night for a pee, and his early shift (when he had to wake at 5.30am and (woke me!!!) Just so many interuptions that disturbed my sleep. The sleep deprivation started to make me ill. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. I think it's untenable for 2 people to share the same small 6' x 4' bedspace for their entire marriage... maybe 40, 50, 60 years or more.

DH was a bit sniffy and when I first suggested it. He was like 'what will people think?!' I said 'I don't give a fuck what people think. I need my sleep and I am going to die if this carries on, OR kill someone - probably you.'

After a little while, DH started to really enjoy having his own bed and own space too. (He was starting to get a bit fed up of me poking him to stop him snoring!) And now he couldn't go back to sharing, and neither could I. We have separate rooms on holiday too. Doesn't even cost that much more!

Doesn't affect any intimacy! It's batshit to suggest that a couple who don't share a bedroom can't possibly ever be intimate! Being forced to share a bedroom/a bed, and the seething resentment from not being able to sleep, is far worse a passion-killer than separate bloody bedrooms! As has been said, many marriages have been made better/been saved by having separate bedrooms.

Separate rooms is the future 🙏👍

We've always slept separately. He snores and I'm an insomniac. We go to bed together and then I go to my own room for actual sleep.

I was in the spare room all Christmas and NewYear as we were both ill. The dog, surprisingly, came with me. I delayed moving back as, yes, I slept better!

My aunt and uncle are in their mid 70’s and still share a bed. They recently went to look around some sheltered accommodation and said that the people there were really surprised that they only wanted one bedroom and that “almost everybody” by that age had their own rooms.
i’m not sure how true “almost everybody” is but having your own space as you get older is fine and can be quite healthy for a relationship.

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me that many people want their own bedrooms now... Many of these people in sheltered accommodation now would very likely have been born in the mid 1940s, (up to maybe the mid 1960s.) So the Babyboomers are OK with it, as is my generation, (Gen X.) IME though, people born earlier than the mid 1940s tend to feel awkward/weird about having separate bedrooms.

My grandparents generation, and my parents generation (born early 1910s and early 1930s,) would rather have died than have separate bedrooms. Both had 2 spare bedrooms but still slept in the same bedroom/bed. My mum and grandmother used to complain profusely about the snoring of my dad and grandfather, and I'd be like 'move into one of the spare bedrooms then!' They'd say 'I shall NOT. What on earth will people think?' I said 'who CARES?!' They were so concerned and worried that people would think the marriage was dead if they had separate bedrooms! So other peoples opinions mattered more than their health, their sleep, and their well-being. Batshit.

Many middle and upper class people have separate bedrooms, and separate bathrooms and the like, it's not that unusual. I mean, I'm not middle class, (I'm working class,) and I have my own bedroom. Not because the marriage is dead/dying, but because I want to be able to sleep! 😬

I think some people need to get past the idea that separate bedrooms means separate lives, a marriage on the rocks, and no intimacy. As I said, having no sleep, and the resentment and hatred that sets in because you can't sleep for your partner's snoring, is far more likely to cause issues in your marriage than having separate bedrooms. Also, it's got fuck-all to do with anyone else anyway!

Yes sleeping separately here - long may it continue!!
I think as long as there is affection at other times during the day, like sitting together in the evening etc then it is all good. Still have sex. Our relationship would be in worse shape if we were both tired from waking eachother throughout the night and resentful at having no solo space. I love my space and actually dread going on holiday when we share a bed. Still enjoy sex and cuddles.

Definitely! And anecdotally my friends (mid 20s to mid 30s, mostly) see it as much less significant than e.g. my mum. When I mentioned in passing to my mum and her friend while we were all having a coffee that DH and I slept apart 4/5 nights a week they were both concerned and convinced we were on the road to divorce but quite a lot of my friends do the same and nobody seems to think it''s a signifier of anything at all. So hopefully people recognise it for what it is, which is that nobody wants to be sleep deprived!

Me and DH always book separate rooms on holiday. It would ruin the holiday for me if I couldn't sleep. Indeed I had a couple of ruined holidays some 18-19 years ago when we went for a 3-day UK break, and a 4 day break to The Netherlands. When the Netherlands one was wrecked (for me) and I was already sick and tired and fed up of being constantly woken up by his snoring, I said 'we are moving house! I want a 4 bed.' We have 2 DC and they had a bedroom each, and we shared a bedroom.

Anyway, we moved to a 4-bed, and I had my own room after that - hooray!

And after that, we always booked separate rooms on holidays... Doesn't cost masses more. Eg, when we booked a 5 day trip to Italy last year, (4 nights/5 days, full board, including flights and transfers) it was £349 each, and having extra rooms cost us £125 extra. (In total.) So it cost us £825, instead of £700. Worth every last penny honestly.

Next time you book a holiday, enquire about separate rooms for you and your husband. Several times DH and I have had separate rooms, there have been women there with their husbands who look like and they say 'h my God, I didn't know you could do that!' And they were quite envious! 😆I bet they booked separate roooms on their holidays thereafter!

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Own room here and would never go back. Pretty much every one of my friends wishes they also had enough space to have their own bedroom.

Yes, I do think attitudes have shifted now, and a married couple sleeping in spearate rooms is not considered 'weird' by most people now, or a sign that the marriage is doomed! - (most people under 65 anyway.) I think it's actually a necessity (for many) truth be told. Sleep is essential for good mental and physical health.

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DH and I have been sleeping in separate rooms for 4 years. It was to avoid him giving me COVID, then we realised we sleep better. My sleep had been crap for a while and I was poking him to stop snoring.

It's not ruined our marriage. Bedtime was never my preferred time for sex anyway.

Our cleaner said she was surprised it took us so long as lots of her clients sleep separately.

It's great!

If you have a spare room, do it.

It certainly is not the beginning of the end and is much more romantic to kiss goodnight and part than lie next to a lumbering, slumbering , snoring farting man...or woman.

Wake refreshed, not tired, not resentful and ready for a good morning kiss.

spearate rooms! separate! 😆

Exactly @MinnieMountain and @MissAustenMadeAQuilt there is nothing romantic about sleeping next to a farting, grunting, sniffing, snoring individual! And as Minnie said, most people don't shag at night anyway. DH and I went to bed when we were tired/to go to sleep. Very rarely had sex after we had gone to bed.

Sex would be usually in the afternoon. (When the kids lived at home, and were at school, and I was part time and he worked early shifts.) Sometimes it was early evening if the kids were out, but not late at night when we were going to bed for sleep!

Once the kids left home, it could be any time!

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I’m 47 and dh is 55, we have had separate bedrooms for a while now and we both love it. Started with my youngest having some sleep issues and anxiety so I slept with her for the best part of a year and dh commented how well he was sleeping. Dd got over it and kicked me out so me and dh were back to bed sharing and neither of us slept properly. He snores, I’m peri menopausal and have night sweats, bouts of insomnia etc.. So we made the spare room into my room, its nicely decorated, I can have the window wide open and not listen to him snore! It’s the perfect solution.

Have to add we have been together for nearly 22 years, very much together and in love and still have regular sex.

Its always baffled me that we expect tiny children to sleep alone but two grown adults to share a bed!

We would have divorced by now if we still slept in the same bed. DH is a horrendous snorer, wants a freezing cold room and to be in bed asleep by 10.30. I like a warmer room, bed around midnight. We've slept separately now for a few years, sex life better than ever, both get really quality sleep. It is important to still remain intimate and make effort to spend time together otherwise you can end up feeling like flatmates.

30+ years of not sleeping in the same room, very happy. We have very different time zones, so it's never worked sharing a room. Make the effort to be affectionate but it's all good.

We are only in our 30s and I couldn't not sleep in my own bed got so sick of being woken at 4am hubby going to work then wanting to read in bed but couldn't as he needed sleep. Game changer for us and doesn't stop any intimacy..Now I think of it I don't know anyone siblings, parents, grandparents that share same room. I think sleep is to precious to miss lol

Its great, sleep well, sex is intentional.

Oh it’s bliss!
Mid fifties here and I was so excited when my eldest son bought his own home a year ago.
He sleeps better and me and bulldog definitely do……

I’ve done it due to sickness for about a week at a time, and slept better but missed the chats, the moaning in the morning (god I can’t believe I have to get up) etc. I can see how it would work but I was always happy to get back

This also. ^ DH and I have differering 'bedtimes.' DH goes to bed sometimes at 9pm, and I rarely go before midnight. I LOVE it when he goes to bed 3 hours before me, as we can share our evening together, watch TV or a film, have a chat about our day, and have some laughs. Then I can have 3 hours of 'me time,' and read my book, or watch a crime drama or crime documentary, or a film or soap opera (that he has no interest in,) or just play some of my favourite songs on Amazons Tunes/Alexa!

Also, DH has to have the room (and bed) hot. He has an electric heater on for half hour before he goes to bed (that switches off when the room gets to 23C!) and he has an electric blanket that makes the bed hot and toasty! AND he has the radiator switched on. I would die if I was forced to be in that heat overnight/in bed. He has the window shut too. He also has a 16.5 tog duvet, a big tartan blanket, and a candlewick bedspread.

In my room, I have my window open at night, and have an 10.5 tog duvet, (nothing else on the bed,) and I have the radiator off. No extra heating. No electric blanket. I am often up before him too, even though he goes to bed before me. He needs 10-11 hours sleep. I only need about 7 and a half to 8. Sometimes less.

Adding his really bad snoring into the mix, this all makes us extremely incompatible when it comes to sleeping together in the same bed, or even in the same room. I could never share a bed with him again. In fact if he died (or left,) and I ever got into a relationship with another man, I would want separate bedrooms. (Although it's very unlikely I would ever be arsed with another man, not at my age - 60-ish - after being with DH for almost 40 years. I would very likely just stay on my own.)

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Identical for us - DH works shifts and is a rubbish and picky sleeper, we both snore. We are very happy and the cats (one each) wouldn’t have it any other way. Highly recommended.

We have a dog each...much less irritating.