Is this emotional abuse?

[TheSadMouse]

Have been with DP for 8 years, have a DD together and my older DS from a previous relationship lives here too. DP owns the house. He's been off work for a year due to various medical issues, but still getting paid and receiving benefits too. I've been off this week with a shoulder injury (calcium in shoulder) in my dominant arm. I may need surgery, won't find out until I get an ultrasound next week. The condition is notoriously painful and although painkillers are thankfully helping I still have very limited movement in my arm and am struggling with self care etc. I work a physical job and don't get paid if I'm off. When I first got the injury DP was attentive and caring. I think it scared him how much pain I was in at the start of the week. Yesterday he decided to do some DIY. He asked me if I was feeling up to it, could I go through DDs clothes and throw out anything that was too small. I asked him would he mind giving me a day or two as I'm still sore. He told me that if I wasn't able he would do it himself and just dump everything indiscriminately. I explained I really needed money at the min plus there were a few bits i wanted to keep for sentimental purposes and if he just gave me a bit of time I'd sell them on vinted (which I use a lot). He became annoyed and said they were getting dumped. For context I have quite a bit to sell in various bags, all are packed neatly in bags in wardrobes, under DDs bed etc. Nothing taking up floor space or visible. DP knows I'm sick with worry about the financial side of things. I sent him this message
"Just give me a few days before I start sorting through the clothes. I am under so, so much pressure medically and financially at the min. It's unbelievably stressful to be off work and not getting paid. I'm doing as much as I can about the house without overdoing it but I can't even brush my hair, get dressed, open bottles etc. I'm feeling very vulnerable and scared. Even let me get my (steroid) injection first and hopefully I'll have more mobility then". Steroid is scheduled for next week.
He replied "I still have to keep everything ticking over at home. I'm throwing as much as I can out over the next few days, just you stay out of my way and rest"
Me "well put some of the bags in my car, I've already promised my friend she can have a bag for her DD"
DP 'No I'm just throwing then out, I've been waiting over a year for them to go and I'm not waiting any longer"
I felt so deflated and small after the conversation. I very rarely tell DP how I'm feeling as he doesn't cope well with emotions. So for me to express this vulnerability and for him to completely ignore what I was saying whilst doubling down on his demands has left me feeling even more vulnerable. I appreciate I should have shifted the clothes sooner but as I said they're not visible nor do they take up any floor space. I feel that I have so little autonomy as it is at the minute and he's further stripping away my choices. I'm upset at his complete lack of empathy and unwillingness to compromise. There is a pattern of him being kind for the first few days of me becoming unwell (and im rarely unwell) but then he'll get fed after a few days and make me feel like a burden. It worries me and I feel like I couldn't depend on him if I became seriously ill. I spoke to a friend who feels it's EA but I would like other perspectives please.

I don’t think it’s emotional abuse. It’s a disagreement. Abuse gets thrown around too easily. Could he accuse you of abuse if he’s been waiting over a year for you to sort out the clothes that are clearly annoying him?

Here's an emotional abuse checklist that you could use to see if this is happening to you, as from what you have said, he doesn't seem to be abusive, but a snapshot may not be the full picture:

https://hagarssisters.org/emotional-abuse-checklist/

But it's not always useful to ponder whether or not something is emotional abuse - it's almost like you are saying 'if this is emotional abuse then I need to deal with it, but if not, then I don't'. It might be better to consider instead whether you like the way you are being treated, and if you don't, what are you going to do about it.

Trying to have these conversations by text is unlikely to be productive. Better to sit him down face to face and speak about what is going on. It does sound like he's been annoyed about the bags of stuff being everywhere for a while. But your illness tipping him over the edge does seem to indicate that he sees you a bit as a 'wife-appliance', and he is punishing you for 'malfunctioning'.

Even on this snapshot, it sounds as though there are issues with you hoarding and having unrealistic expectations of your ability to deal with the outgrown clothes; with communication; and with him not dealing with situations that annoy him until he has an 'excuse' - or using those situations to punish you.

It's really hard for people to change, and that applies to both of you, but it does sound as if you could benefit from joint counselling.

I very rarely tell DP how I'm feeling as he doesn't cope well with emotions.

This says it all. What an unhealthy dynamic to have in a relationship.

If you live together why are you texting each other instead of having a conversation? He is being very unfair and lacking in any empathy to demand you leap into action whilst you are clearly in pain. I think you are right to assume he sees you as a burden should you become seriously ill and needed his support.
What is his medical issue that he's been off work for a year? I imagine you've been empathetic and helpful towards him during his recovery so at least he could be kinder to you whilst you are recovering.

Thank you for the reply @ChristmasFluff that's very insightful and a lot to ponder on. As @Prisonbreak said I completely agree the word abuse is bandied about too much and it does a disservice to those genuinely in abusive situations. I think what's upsetting me is the disregard/lack of empathy/compassion to my message. As aforementioned I appreciate a year is a long time for the clothes to be sold but to counter that, why wait until I'm incapacitated to bring it up? It's never been an issue before particularly as all clothes are tucked away. We have ample storage space

" I think what's upsetting me is the disregard/lack of empathy/compassion to my message."

I suspect that is partly to do with text being the means of communication. Some people will generally only 'hear' the factual bits of a communication (hence they try to problem solve). Communicating face to face at least gives them a chance to see the vulnerability too.

But as others have said, compassion does go both ways. You are temporarily incapacitated, whereas he is more permanently affected - again, joint counsellling would help to have you each see the toher's point of view a little better.

To put things into context, I've held the household together for the past year whilst he's been off. Whilst also working full time in a demanding job. He's had ti do the lions share since Tuesday and he's already becoming annoyed. I completely agree a year is a long time- not disputing that. But equally why does he decide to bring it up at the exact time I'm incapacitated. There are 3 black bags altogether. All stored in my car now. Problem solved. My issue is his complete lack of care to my feelings of vulnerability and worry of the future.

Face to face communication isn't an option. I would've been told to "leave the room" whilst he would've got even angrier

I disagree with PPs saying it isn't abuse. He's taking advantage of your perceived weakness and using it to dominate and veto your voice. The message is, I know you don't want this, but you can't stop me and I'm going to use your injury as an excuse to override you, and make you the problem at the same time.

The first mention of the clothes was yesterday

This plus "being told to leave the room"

Loving partners don't do that.

I think I would be planning to leave him to run his own house to his liking once you've got your mobility back
I honestly thought the space under DD's bed must be full of bags but it's only 3! The man is an arse!

Your current ill health is a catalyst to him reaching his tolerance tipping point.
Do yourself a favour, Let him get rid of the flipping bags of clothes. Let him get on with it and do your relationship a favour, stop hoarding.

Many men are not empathetic according to those who publish on MN. It’s not unusual but thats a separate issue.

Some bags under a kids bed aren’t bothering his life or affecting him. He is being controlling

Yes three big bags altogether. Now all in my car. We have enough space. It feels more like he's taking advantage of my incapacity. I threw out most of my belongings to move in with him. The only actual big item I brought was a henry hoover. Didnt bring any other furniture, only clothes. The henry stays in my sons room in the corner (DS is only here half the week). DP uses it too when he's doing DIY. But then he decided last night that it needs to go also "as its always in his way". I told him I'd store it in my car also l. This was met with utter derision and I was told "it's stupidly at its finest". When I first moved in DP already had a handheld hoover but it was rubbish. After it broke for the 100th time he bought a hand held henry. That was fair enough. Then last week he bought a robovac for no other reason than "it was on offer:". So now because we have 3 hoovers, mine has to go. He then backtracked on this and said I could maybe keep it, but this is the type of behaviour I'm dealing with.

Wouldn't put up with that nonsense and you're feeling unwell also. Sounds very stressful. Id be moving out and getting my own space , sounds like its an inconvenience for him you being ill. Anyone else would leave it and wait until better. Why is it your stuff has to go and not his. You should be resting not stressing and having to remove your belongings because he says so, The clothes were doing no harm , he sounds selfish and horrible.

DP is undoubtedly more of a hoarder than me. For instance he refuses to throw out a scuba diving set he has. Despite being unable to scuna dive due to medical issues. Prior to that he went twice. On holiday. Or the numerous old laptops that he has had for 8+ years that he keeps wanting to "fix up". He could see how unhappy I was earlier today and completely ignored me. Hasn't asked how my shoulder is the past 2 days. I know emotional abuse isn't a one off argument. But there has been a pattern for years here. I was very ill with flu years ago. He managed to take some time off work to look after DD. By day 6 he had to return so he told me "this ends tomorrow you need to get better NOW"

It’s ridiculous of him to say it’s got to be sorted today when you’re out of action. And then to say if you don’t do it I’ll just chuck it. Is he always this high handed? Why is he the boss??

Good grief this is pretty bad. Sounds abusive to me.

I feel for your kids living in all this because they’re being shown really poor lessons about relationships. Would you want either child here to be in a relationship like this?. No you would not and you would want better for them. I’d also be looking to make him now your ex partner. The two of you should not be together now.

Quite simply yes he's the boss as he owns the house. He's normally ok when everything's plain sailing, but still has a very "my way or the highway attitude". He just cannot cope when I'm unwell in any way. His tolerance/patience runs out very quickly and it's unbearable

Does he not understand that there should be no 'boss' in a marriage, regardless of who owns what and who earns what?! You need to find your anger, OP. It's making me furious just reading about him.

I wouldn’t say he’s emotionally abusive either .
Can I ask you why are under so much pressure financially when your husband is still bringing in his weekly wage with benefits on top ?
Are you guys not supposed to be in it together?

Op he’s definitely not speaking to you or treating you like a kind loving partner should be, and you expressed your feelings and needs with a reasonable request (wait until next week) that he should have listened to.
listen to your gut- him taking advantage of you being incapacitated, after a whole year of you being his carer and provider, is exactly as bad as it feels. Previous posters sound a bit gaslighting to me, they may not have experienced this kind of controlling dynamic (or maybe perpetrators!) or they may assume that otherwise this is a healthy loving relationship and your example is a one off argument (in which case it woudknt really be abuse just one inconsiderate action).
I wouldn’t get hung up on whether it is abusive or not, as it’s not the level that you’d report to police etc, but focus on if you feel emotionally and physically safe in this relationship, do things feel kind are caring and fair, do you feel considered and looked after in general. if not then I would be making a plan to leave (I wouldn’t even bother with therapy etc as he doesn’t sound like the kind of guy that’s open to change for the sake of your feelings).

im curious what he was like when you were pregnant and postpartum?