AIBU

[Lemington]

Newish partner, been together 2 years
Hes 45, I’m 35
He struggles with awful anxiety due to losing his dad when he was young. I had no idea how bad his anxiety was when I met him but turns out it stops us from doing anything
The only way we can do things is if alcohol is involved and even then it’s just going to the pub or going for a walk
He is lovely. I’ve never been with anyone who makes me laugh / feel like he does but I’m not sure this is enough. He’s in therapy trying to get better but I feel like this will take years to unravel and start to heal. Is it worth it for a good man?

Does he work?

Yes he works

Is two years a newish partner? To me that long term. You must get something out of it or you'd have left surely? Do you love him, does he love and care for you and are you attracted to eachother?

Yes everything else is good but we can’t do anything. No holidays, no days out etc.
im so torn

The only way we can do things is if alcohol is involved and even then it’s just going to the pub or going for a walk

Does he need alcohol to go for a walk? Does he need it at home or just when he's going out?

You say everything else is good @Lemington . Is that everything that he has chosen to do? Does he mind you going out without him?

But he manages to go to work without alcohol? A more high pressured situation than going out for dinner with your partner...

@Lemington how long has he been in counselling/ help for? How long is it going to take for him to feel "normal"? The situation at the moment is restricting you. How long do you want to put up with it?? That's the question I would be asking myself

He goes for walks without alcohol but if I suggested doing anything at the weekend, without alcohol it would be unlikely to happen due to his anxiety. Especially if I suggested going somewhere that wasn’t local. He wants to and he knows how much it bothers me but he can’t help it.
I feel a bit silly even writing this down, I think that’s shown me a lot in itself

@Arlanymor he works from home full time

No I'm sorry, I'd nip the relationship in the bud now.

He's not your project.

I know that sounds harsh but if he is this mentally unwell, why does he think dating anyone is a good idea?

He needs to get himself better before he even considers it.

@shellyleppard only about 2 months and only because I gave him ultimatum
That’s my question exactly - how long will it take, who knows. 😩

He's not father material if thats something you want.

@MrsPinkSky I do wish I’d known. You’re totally right.

@FateAmenableToChange he already has two older children and no, having children with him is the last thing on my mind

No I couldn’t live like this.

By the time I’d been with my now husband for two years we’d been on multiple holidays and trips and had made a multitude of memories with different experiences.

we were engaged by the end of two years and living together with goals and dreams for the near future.

I can’t imagine being in such a stagnant place with someone after two years and not actually “living” life, you’re just existing.

Ah I see - sorry I assumed a role where he had to meet people at least once in a while.

I couldn't put up with, however nice he is, sorry but I couldn't. It would make my world far too small and I would miss out on far too much. If there is no improvement after two years I would be asking myself if things will ever improve. It's a fairly long time to not even having made baby steps to be honest.

Do you have children of your own OP?

Have to agree with all of this - he's not offering much as a partner is he?

@Lemington if it was me I would call it a day. I couldn't be happy being that restricted in my life. Sending you all the best x

@DaisyChain505 thank you. This is how I imagine life should be

@MrsPinkSky i don’t have any children

@shellyleppard thank you x

Can this man do anything without alcohol being involved?. Is he using this as a crutch instead of actual talking therapy?. Is he using alcohol to manage his anxiety?. It sounds like he is well on the way to becoming alcohol dependent if he is not already.

You can do better for yourself than this person. You're wasting your time with this one. He is not your project and nor can you rescue and or save him.

Do his children have any contact with him?.

And how is everything else good if you cannot do anything?. How does that work?.

What sort of ultimatum did you give him?. You having to issue such a mere two months into a relationship is a huge red flag and one you cannot ignore or minimise.

@Arlanymor apart from I suppose the basics (humour, loyalty, kindness), which for some reason I’ve come to think that’s all I’m worth!

@Lemington you are worth so much more than this.