AIBU

[Lemington]

Newish partner, been together 2 years
Hes 45, I’m 35
He struggles with awful anxiety due to losing his dad when he was young. I had no idea how bad his anxiety was when I met him but turns out it stops us from doing anything
The only way we can do things is if alcohol is involved and even then it’s just going to the pub or going for a walk
He is lovely. I’ve never been with anyone who makes me laugh / feel like he does but I’m not sure this is enough. He’s in therapy trying to get better but I feel like this will take years to unravel and start to heal. Is it worth it for a good man?

Ok well I don't know if you want any in the future but if you do, this is not the man to have them with and that's without the 10 year age gap.

It's sad I know but I really would get out sooner rather than later.

Boiling frog syndrome? Were brilliant selling points at the beginning, but in contrast to living a half life they seem a paltry compensation? You do deserve more.

How did you meet?. Online?.

He has been in counselling for about two months. He's going to need far more than this and I would not be personally waiting around for him to have some sort of epiphany.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Were you taught for instance to put other people's needs first with your own needs and wants dead last?.

You are worth more than the crumbs he offers you but you have to believe that for your own self. Your boundaries here, perhaps already skewed by past poor relationships and life experiences, are being further eroded by this individual.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for your response. He can’t really do much without alcohol, no.
Which he recognises and hates
He does have contact with his children and sees them but not regularly. However they are of an age that they have their own lives.

Are you aware of the word 'weaponised', where someone uses something to avoid something? It could be that he is using his anxiety as an excuse not to do something he doesn't want to. I might be doing him a disservice but I'm hearing what you're saying without any emotions blurring the view. And I've had experience of this type of behaviour, they can be very believable, especially when you have had positive times so want to believe them.

I feel a bit silly even writing this down, I think that’s shown me a lot in itself

Indeed, it has helped clarify things for you. Absolutely no need to feel silly

@AttilaTheMeerkat no, in the pub which is quite ironic !
I really appreciate your views on this thank you x

I accidentally voted no when I meant yes.

Why do you think he’ll be able to improve his anxiety? He’s 45.

depends if you want a life beholden to someone else’s anxiety

@NebulousSadTimes thank you so much
I don’t have a mum to speak to about this kind of stuff so it’s like having an online swarm of mums …. It’s been eye opening without sounding dramatic

He seems to spend an inordinate amount of time in the pub and when he is not there he is at home working.

Am so very sorry but he sounds like an alcoholic. He cannot do much without alcohol being around and I am also wondering if he is thinking about drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

He may well recognise it but he is not going to do anything about it because he does not want to give up drinking. Even if his children are old enough to have their own lives the fact that they do not see him regularly could also mean their relationship with dad is not good.

Let him go OP, no good to you will come from staying with such a man and there are men who will take you places other than the pub. Also alcohol and anxiety do not mix.

Dump him. He's too old for you and you're wasting your life doing nothing with him. You need more than that.

Oh, lovely. Apparently hugs aren't the done thing round here but I'm sending you one anyway 🤗

Keep talking it through, there's always someone here, lots of life experience and suggestions of how to do things well. Best of luck to you

I am sorry you do not have a mum (or perhaps even a mother type figure) to speak about this stuff. You are worth more and if you do not believe this then ask yourself why. It probably goes back to your childhood and what you saw and learnt about relationships. Your bar for relationships is very low as it is and you cite the barest of bare minimums.

He is going to be 46 this year; this is who he is and when someone shows you who they are it pays to believe them the first time.

have a hug from me too 🤗

Just because he has some good qualities doesn’t mean you have to ignore the things you’re not getting from this relationship.

You deserve more and he isn’t your responsibility to have to stay with just because.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you so much

Lots of questions, but also worth considering, to help you decide -
Do you want children with him?
Do you currently live together / plan to live together?
Can you honestly see a future with him?

It seems such a very restrictive life that in the two years you’ve been dating him, you’ve been unable to do even basic things like go out for walks, shopping, days out, holidays etc - these are all part of usual dating - I would imagine life would be very monotonous without these things and you have been more patient than most - it is as if you have resigned yourself to this life and it has become your norm to adapt to his needs - what about your own?

You said he is amazing, but it doesn’t seem to be a very fulfilling relationship and if he was only willing to start therapy when you gave him the ultimatum, how invested is he in making the changes to address this?

Has he always had this crippling anxiety? How did he manage to bring up 2 children without leaving the house?
Has he never worked outside the home?
Do you only spend time together at home?
I would struggle to live life like this.

I would seriously reconsider staying in this relationship; the longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave.

Yeah

I don't even know you and yet I can say with certainty, you're not looking to shag a 79 year old particularly.

Age is much more than a number the older you get.

No, I'm sorry. Anxiety is one thing but self medicating anxiety with alcohol is another thing entirely. It takes years of dedicated work and therapy to unpick. If you plan to have children, this is not the person to do it with. It wont be fair on him or you to introduce the instability and stress of TTC and a young child during the time he is trying to work his way through this. He may be a good man, but he's not the right one for you.

Has he tried antidepressants? Anxiety like this is about the only situation where I think they can actually be useful.

I think the age gap is too large. a 35 year old should go for 40 years old tops.

@jackdunnock been on them for years…