Should I Leave my Gambler Partner?

[Daffodil9911]

Partner/Boyfriend of 6 years. Both in our mid 40s. Never proposed. Single mum of a teen. Over the years my partner had various issues from drinking too much, gambling, spending too much time with his friends on weekends, staying out all night occasionally, especially when i went on holiday with my daughter, standing me up on his birthday as too drunk to remember we had to meet at this particular restaurant.

Anyway, I always got to forgive him, but after having found eur200 worth of gambling tickets in the bin , bought in the space of a week, I said 'that's enough now' . No wonder he always ran out (probablyto betting shops), almost straight out of bed on some weekend mornings when we were supposed to spend quality time together, constantly staring at football scores on his phone during meals and while were watching TV. He lives with me rent free as I pay my own mortgage and wanted to keep it that way. Couldn't risk him ever not being able to pay his half of the mortgage due to his bad spending habits.He just pays rest of bills like groceries and electricity.
It's his birthday tomorrow and he's wanting us to go out for a meal to spend some quality time together which we haven't done in ages. I said that it's not a good idea since I'm seriously thinking about asking him to leave after I found those tickets plus he refused to pay for some groceries I had just bought on same day he bought tickets.
Had already asked him to move out last week but he wouldn't accept it So my question is : am I being irrational not going out for his birthday and wanting to split up when he says that he'll stop gambling?

Sort out finances before replying!
His choice to gamble is his responsibility noone elses, the door was always open, he could have left at any time, oh no, but wait, he was living off you….

Ignore his noise. Focus on what you want - sorting out finances and getting rid of him.

Your DD had the measure of him - from the age of 8 - so you’ve parented her well.

Seems the relationship is finally over? Congratulations.

After this spectacular DARVO performance expect him to try to weasel his way back in via a range of tactics from desperate love bombing to fake illnesses, financial crisis, family problem……DO NOT FALL FOR IT. There is no one more in love than a man needing a roof over his head.

Please think about your DD who clearly has hated having this character pollute her home and childhood - that even he noticed when you didn’t.

The impact of the list of disgusting behaviours you tolerated and exposed your DD to during a highly impressionable and critically formative for her emotional development for most of her childhood needs to be your focus to reverse right now

Yes it's over. He's moved in with a friend of his. My daughter only saw him a couple of times until he moved in with us when she was 12. So he's lying there.
Didn't answer those texts, apart fron an 😡 emoji.
You mention family problems. Every time we argued coz he drank too much he would say it was due to family problems back in his country as he lives in a different country to them. Trying to gain my sympathy there, but I had got used to this tactic.
They never really spoke so it's not like they were constantly arguing. Barely saw each other anyway.
We're both very relieved he's now out of the picture.
As for the bills he said that I'll have to wait a few weeks now that he's got rent to pay. Well I don't really care whether he pays me off or not at this stage as both my and my daughter's mental health is worth much more than any bill.

Yes not going to pay those bills. Write it off and move on with the rest of your new happier life.

Don't let him creep back in and you and your dad move on to happier times!

Of course it’s not unreasonable !

Give him two weeks to get out. Change the locks. Done. ✔️

Delighted to hear he has gone. I expect the ‘family problems’ from his family in another country were the same as yours - poncing cash for his addictions. They also have the measure of him.

Your DD exposed to the dysfunctional toxic addiction behaviours of an unrelated male living in her home, treating you like shit, watching you tolerate being subjugated and you rowing with him is horrifically damaging for any child whether it was for 2 weeks, 2 months or two years. Don’t minimise it.

I would block him 💐

My ex texted again the other day to say that he hopes that we get back together in a few years when my daughter goes off to college. My daughter thinks that I would disrespect her if I ever had to go back to him after all that he said. What's your opinion?

Why would you even consider getting back with him?? Your daughter is right. Listen to her.

With respect, your DD has a lot more sense than you do. Listen to her!!

You need to start setting her a good example.

How will you feel when she’s with a loser, drunk gambler??

Come on woman, raise your standards.

I walked out of the door when DD1 was just a week old and he’d gambled all our rent money, I just finally snapped and never looked back. DD1 is 21 now and I heard he’s estranged from all of his family and still addicted to gambling (and everything that comes with it). Looking back I made the right decision because even 21 years later, he has not changed.
Protect you and your child

Why on earth would you even consider getting back with him in a few years time ?!!!

BOTH of you will have moved on !

As I predicted. He’s testing your boundaries already - if you say ‘maybe’ he will have groomed you to be back in before Easter.

You have disrespected, actively neglected and consequently already compromised your DDs emotional foundational development to date by having your finite energy focused on fire fighting this fool and having her exposed to his addiction dysfunction in her own precious childhood home rather than you prioritising your DD.

It’s disrespectful that you even brought it up with her - look up parentification - and that you have come back here to seek opinions to prove her unreasonable - why would you need to seek opinions of strangers? Why would you override that of your precious child.

I think you need to sort yourself out and see professional help and do some research on better parenting. This is even adequate for any child.

I have since blocked my ex from contacting me. I will also be apologising to my daughter for the stressful situation I have put her in. Working towards a better future together in our now peaceful home is my priority.

Good for you. Well done blocking him. He has you in his clutches. A calm and peaceful home with just you and your daughter will bring you such satisfaction and joy

Well done on blocking him, it's a big step. You've got this! Honestly you're probably already realising how much energy/mental capacity you were wasting on this man. Enjoy the freedom from him!

Thanks kellygoeswest. Yes I wasted too much time and energy worrying about whether he was ever going to change for the better and become more committed.
I was feeling constantly drained from it all. Now I feel free and mentally relieved from the burden of a dysfunctional relationship which was dragging both myself and my daughter down. Looking forward to a short weekend mid-term break with her in order to focus on the joyful things in life.