Should I Leave my Gambler Partner?

[Daffodil9911]

Partner/Boyfriend of 6 years. Both in our mid 40s. Never proposed. Single mum of a teen. Over the years my partner had various issues from drinking too much, gambling, spending too much time with his friends on weekends, staying out all night occasionally, especially when i went on holiday with my daughter, standing me up on his birthday as too drunk to remember we had to meet at this particular restaurant.

Anyway, I always got to forgive him, but after having found eur200 worth of gambling tickets in the bin , bought in the space of a week, I said 'that's enough now' . No wonder he always ran out (probablyto betting shops), almost straight out of bed on some weekend mornings when we were supposed to spend quality time together, constantly staring at football scores on his phone during meals and while were watching TV. He lives with me rent free as I pay my own mortgage and wanted to keep it that way. Couldn't risk him ever not being able to pay his half of the mortgage due to his bad spending habits.He just pays rest of bills like groceries and electricity.
It's his birthday tomorrow and he's wanting us to go out for a meal to spend some quality time together which we haven't done in ages. I said that it's not a good idea since I'm seriously thinking about asking him to leave after I found those tickets plus he refused to pay for some groceries I had just bought on same day he bought tickets.
Had already asked him to move out last week but he wouldn't accept it So my question is : am I being irrational not going out for his birthday and wanting to split up when he says that he'll stop gambling?

Does it matter that he is of a caring nature in that he cooks for us when he's off or looks after my daughter's cat or is that irrelevant in this situation?

He can be a decently alright person while still being a bad choice of partner because he’s a gambling addict. If you like him, be his friend, go for a drink and a chat occasionally. If all he brings to your life as a partner is doing some of the cooking and looking after a pet, then takeaways and a cat sitter are infinitely less hassle than a man who can’t be trusted around money and who will always have to have you in charge.

Does part of you like the idea of having another teenager around who you have to be responsible for and can always have the upper hand with? I can’t think of any reason you’d be so keen to keep him unless you don’t find that dynamic totally off putting.

This adage springs to mind;

Men think women will never leave them, women think men will change. Both are wrong.

Op, is this relationship what you want for the rest of your life?

OP

re your comment
'Does it matter that he is of a caring nature in that he cooks for us when he's off or looks after my daughter's cat or is that irrelevant in this situation?"

That could be seen as the nice part of his nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. It is also the barest of bare minimums and does not make up for the fact that he is abusive towards you and in turn your DD. As Comtesse rightly states takeaways and a cat sitter would be infinitely less hassle than a man who can’t be trusted around money and who will always have to have you in charge.

You have a choice re this man OP, your DD does not. You need to make better choices with she and you in mind, not him. What is she learning about relationships here from you two?. Both of you as adults are letting her down abjectly. All you're doing now is enabling him whilst he continues to abuse you.

So true. I took out a mortgage just in my name as was worried that he wouldn't always be able to afford the repayments.he paid me back for utilities but sometimes had to give me the money over 2 payments. Very tiring having to constantly worry about his lack of finances which was most of the time and stressful having to keep reminding him to save money for our future. No I'm not looking for a rich man but someone who can manage his wages responsibly and day- to -day spending.

I never looked at the situation as abuse but I guess it is because I'm try hard to save and am careful with my spending whereas, more often than not, he ends up penniless every few months. So it's like he's abusing of my maturity with money.

Been there, done that and got the T-shirt OP.

Best thing I did was dump the loser and my life has been so much better ever since. Resentment starts to kick in when you can't do much cos there is no money for enjoyment whereas now I live my life to the fullest. Stay strong and get rid

Could you live apart but still see him, as long as your finances aren't combined.

Why have you inflicted this on your child (who presumably has already experienced trauma in their life with family breakdown) - why should your precious child see, sense and hear directly or indirectly the gross chaos of an addict in their home which should be their safe space - but their mother is preoccupied and busy with this nonsense. Read up on codependency to fix yourself so you and attempt to be the attuned parent your child hasn’t had in mess.

Not sure if there's any point in regressing by living apart again as ultimately we need to be living together for long-term sustainability of this relationship.

Is there long term sustainability tho ? he hasn't suggested you get married.
Maybe it is time you cut your losses and moved on.

you are the one who is not deep down happy / satisfied.

He's horrible and you don't seem to be hearing it, OP. It is not a relationship because of the way he is behaving - he is a gambling addict. His only relationship is with gambling.

The best birthday present for him would be you putting him and his stuff out of your home tonight. Do not let him return to your home now or ever. It is only when gamblers have nothing and no home do they realise what they are doing. Go on be kind to him and kick him out. He has no right to be in your home and you have no obligations towards him. I believe the Police will back you up if you request them to do so.

And if you did go to this birthday meal, who would be paying? Let me guess...

Assuming of course that he turns up and isn't so bladdered that he stands you up again.

"Had already asked him to move out last week but he wouldn't accept it"

Don't ask, tell. Insist. If that doesn't work, just get the locks changed and dump all his shit in black sacks outside the front door. If he kicks off, call the police.

As someone who wasted many years with a gambler..... please get out now. I can absolutely promise you he won't change. It's a miserable life

You knew right from the start that this relationship wasn't in your own interests Op otherwise you'd have let him pay towards the mortgage, instead you wisely kept that just in your name. Since the house is solely yours you don't have to take his No for an answer, if you ask him to leave he has no choice, you can change the locks and don't give him a key. Let's me honest @Daffodil9911 , it's easy for him to be nice now and then considering how much he gets back in return.

The only way I would be allowing him to stay is if he agrees to get support for gambling and drinking

i think you said youve already asked him to leave.
why is he still there?
you need to mean what you say and stand firm.
stop shilly-shallying about and get on with it.
hes no good.

if you want you could suggest if he moves out snd seeks help for his problems youll consider seeing him again in the future. say a years time. if that makes it easier.
but don’t say things and backtrack. nobody will take you seriously.

Get rid. He doesn't get to refuse to leave your home which he doesn't pay rent on. He is a guest. Wait until he is at the betting shop and put his stuff outside. If he kicks up a fuss, call the police and explain you have asked him to leave several times. Keep your cool.

A friend of mine who had someone similar refusing to leave. Dropped her kids at school then called the police to say there was a man refusing to leave her home. She didn’t even bother threatening him with the police. They popped over, escorted him out. He left without a whimper.

Why hasn't he gone yet? What a pathetic waste of space.

If you didn't have a child involved in this shitshow, I'd say carry on.
Why you've put up with this pathetic waster for 6 years is beyond me. All this breaking up/making up, drinking and gambling. You can barely rely on him to be responsible in any meaningful way.

Don't do this because of course he'll agree to it, then he'll just string you along with excuses as to why he can't do it right now until the day you die.

He sounds like a complete loser OP, he's had years to change and hasn't - why would you think that he ever would? Just because he's not a completely vile monster doesn't mean he's any good. When you're looking for a husband you want a much. much higher bar than 'he looks after the cat occasionally'.

You've wasted enough time on him, find someone that will actually be a good role model to your kids or even better still just concentrate on them.

My ex now blames me and my daughter for the breakup. This is what he said:
"I totally agree with you but that pressure from your lovely daughter who dismissed me from 8 years old probably made me this way. I think you bought her up wrong as what I saw it wasn't good. Sorry but I was better off away from this situation as just was cracking up living in that flat. I'd clean for for 2 years and after 2 days it's a total mess. You've a lot of responsibility about our breakup so don't blame me having a few bets'
Very cruel. Would you reply or just ignore. Waiting for him to sort out bills n all so can't block him for now.

Wow ! blaming your daughter and how you parented her ! WOW

Ignore.

He is never going to take responsibility for being a gambler, don't count on seeing a penny towards bills.