Mutual liking and the progression from that.

[Tealfire]

I am neurodivergent and have extreme nerves around this sort of thing.

There is a man who appears to be 'wooing' me - he seems to like me. How do I reciprocate without looking like a loon? I'm trying my best to seem aloof (I am an aloof sort of person anyhow).

The conversation seems to flow, IRL. We have a lot in common and have similar core values and outlooks of life. Also, I think we are physically attracted.

Why is this so hard? Advice from normal people welcomed.

How is he attempting to “woo” you?

I'm trying my best to seem aloof

why? Unless you’re a 15 year old high school student in a US teen drama from the early 2000s

Like a pp said, why, if you like this guy, are you 'trying to be aloof'? Did you read this was a necessary thing in The Rules or something?

Also, could you detail how he is 'wooing' you?

I agree with that. I am autistic and it causes me a lot of anxiety. I'm behind my peers in many areas of life.

He's very complimentary about my personality, intelligence. Jokes a lot with me/together, always try to be in close proximity, has indirectly brought up us going on a date a couple of times, I catch him looking in my direction. I'm just too shy to show romantic interest.

suggest a place for a date and book - take the lead as he has made his feelings known so he won’t say no

How old are you? Is he a work colleague?

Aloofness is part of my personality. Part of it also not wanting to chase a man, be the one pursuing. I have had a couple of horrendous experiences with men in the past who turned out to be abusive. I don't believe this man is, but due to my history, my trust in people's intentions is not as good as it once was. I am now extremely cautious about intimate relationships.

I may do this if I muster the courage to. I have male friends and not shy or aloof around them because there's no attraction there and they are also quite quirky themselves.

This is silly. If he's paying you compliments, obviously likes you and has 'indirectly brought up you going on a date' a couple of times, you'd hardly be 'chasing a man' or 'pursuing' him if you said yes to a date when he suggested going out!

I mean, it's your choice, but if you are actively concealing your interest in him because you think 'aloof' is safer, then it's on you if he loses interest and you watch him propose a date to someone else, who says 'I'd love that. What about Saturday night?'

There are absolutely no guarantees in relationships, for anyone. 'Abuse' may not be involved. You may discover you're completely incompatible as you get to know one another better. Sometimes someone who is an excellent friend is a dreadful partner. But you won't know unless you try.

is this a work colleague? How long has he been “wooing” you for?

Ok, this is good advice.

Yes. For a few months.

A close colleague? Might get messy

and for a few months he’s been wooing you but has t actually suggested a drink or anything?

No, he hasn't suggested drinks. I don't drink anyway. He's made suggestions, but not that. I agree, it could get messy to mix work and personal life. I think I will forget about this one. I like being alone anyhow.

I have anxiety around how things are supposed to progress. Maybe I'm an avoidant now. I do know though what the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship or friendship looks like. I just need to trust myself more, really. So maybe it is better I leave this as it is. Next time he mentions something, I will have to respond, which also fills me with dread.

What suggestions has he made? And you’ve declined?

Too much to put it all down here. I didn't decline. I just brushed past it. I guess if he really wanted to, he would ask me like this "I'd like to take you out on a date, are you free Saturday?" Maybe he is trying to gauge my interest in him by being indirect, I don't know. Maybe he's also shy and inexperienced. Maybe he just wants me to pursue him. Maybe for an ego boost. Maybe he's not that into me. I'm not a mindreader either, I don't get indirect information and hidden meanings too well. Either I just wait it out and or move on.

Lots of maybes
you are wok colleagues so could get messy

I would leave it. It’s not gone anywhere for a few months and I don’t think it is going to without effort from you, and I wouldn’t bother

Why are people suggesting it could get messy? Many relationships happen through work, right? Yes it could, but so can every relationship in the world.

OP, it seems obvious you want something to happen but are scared. It also sounds like he has tried and you've backed away, so why would he be more up front it in those circumstances?

I know it's hard, I mean we've all been there (literally every adult, at some point). Ask him out for dinner, what's the worst that can happen? If the vibe isn't right, remain friends...

Ask him what he thinks of you. His answers will sound good then offer a date. Sadly sometimes the woman needs to make the intial move.

Speaking as a male on this forum, being on the receiving end of an aloof act is not pleasant.

Two examples spring to mind. Many years I asked a colleague that I had known for a couple of years if I could take her out for lunch. She was far too busy but she did thank me for asking. That was upsetting as someone whom I liked and seem to reciprocate could not even be bothered to be honest. I did not ask her again.

The second instance was again a work colleague I asked for lunch (different workplace) and this time no answer. However for the next 2 years whenever she saw me she blanked me (well turned the other way) except in staff briefings when she could not have sat any closer.

You have someone who likes you and according to your post your appear to like him and yet you are aloof. In todays society he may be nervous about suggesting a second date as he does not want to be accurate of inappropriate behaviour.

Maybe just maybe he wants to date you because maybe he likes you and maybe like you he has had previous bad experiences.

Just behave like you always do.

Look, @Tealfire, next time he says something like "There's a new Sumatran restaurant on North Street", reply something like "That should be interesting! Shall we give it a try?" Once he's got over his temporary shock, he'll either proceed to make a plan with you or evade the question.

Point is, he's already feeding you what seem to be opportunities and you're blanking him. He'll give up if you keep cold-shouldering him, so pick up the next clue and make an offer. Good luck 🙂

In your first example, the woman wasn’t aloof. She was clear - she wasn’t interested. The end. @Willsmer