Managing a divorce with a difficult spouse, what worked for you?

[Shs726]

3 years marriage and no children.

During our marriage, my husband repeatedly kicked me out of the marital home. He would take the keys from me and tell me, “It’s my house, F off.” Along with other abusive experiences. Eventually, I refused to go back and now want a divorce. House is in his name and bought before marriage.

Now we’re separated. He says he will sign the divorce if I apply online, claiming he can’t afford a divorce (even though I know he has money). I agreed to pay for it myself to keep things moving.

Regarding finances, he says he doesn’t want anything, and I said the same. I suggested a clean break order so we could both move on fairly, but he’s refusing. He also doesn’t want solicitors involved.

Despite this, he’s accused me of being greedy and “money obsessed,” even though I’m not making any claims against him. I only took my clothes (what I paid for), jewellery (which I had before marriage and I paid for) , and my stand mixer (which I paid for and was the only one who used it). I left all other furniture and household items behind, including items I paid half for and some I paid for entirely over £10,000 worth. Now he’s denying I contributed anything, even though I have receipts and bank statements. I also did pay other household expenses such as 80% groceries, water, council tax and paid for all the holidays. We did 2 holidays a year. He paid the mortgage and gas/electricity. We both have a car each prior to marriage and we pay our own costs associated with the cars.

I feel like I’ve tried to be more than reasonable, but he’s being difficult and rewriting history. Ultimately, I just want peace and even said to husband if he wants to claim anything off me then feel free. I just want to sort out everything now and get it done with. He’s refusing to sort out finances and wants me to just go the online divorce. My solicitor has advised it’s best to reach an agreement otherwise it’ll just get costly and time consuming.

My question:
How did others deal with a spouse who was controlling or obstructive during the divorce process?

Also if he’s anyway going to be difficult and it’ll drag out the proceedings, is it worth then pursuing furniture costs etc?

Just get a basic clean break separation agreement drafted and sent to him, stop speaking to him. He’ll sign it eventually once the novelty wears off dragging it out and getting a rise out you once you go no contact.

Took mine 9 months to sign the divorce papers. I did all correspondence myself through his lawyer and he ended up with a 5k bill for his trouble. Which he tried to get me to pay half of. Twat 😂

Oh wow. That’s crazy

It doesn't matter what he thinks or says, as said above, ignore him and only engage about the divorce. What a charmer. A better life awaits you, OP.

Ignore what he says.

apply for the divorce. He said he’ll sign it if you apply so do so.

stop talking about finances. He might care at some point in the future, but for now just start the process. There is a six month cooling off period anyway.

Stop playing nice or making compromises for a start.

Predators like him view that as weakness. They attack weakness.

Get a solicitor that's used to taking no shit from domestic abusers.

Tell him you want your 10k spend on the home back. Put that to him. Let him sit with it.

Then tell him you might let it go if he signs the divorce papers ASAP.

Your solicitor will know the best way to do this but, thats what to do.

Stop making yourself small!

I also divorced someone very difficult. My lessons were:

1. File for divorce asap and let your solicitor deal with your ex
2. Grey rock all the way (look it up, it's life changing)
3. Make sure you get a consent order drafted, just getting divorced doesn't sort the finances out (unsure if a clean break is the same, sorry to not be more detailed)
4. Do not go to mediation, or counselling, with someone controlling
5. Don't let go of your rightful share just in the sheer relief of being separated from this fool! Obviously some things aren't worth the fuss. But take the time to consider what you need.

My ex was fabulously obstructive the whole way through and we ended up in front of the judge. He was issued with a penal order for not doing his paperwork along the way. The justice system grinds slowly but very finely! I wouldn't have got a cent without it.

2 is the key i think really. No contact will help you keep your end together while dealing with this person, and give you space to enjoy being free of him!

Good luck. I'm grateful every day that I left!

You must get a lawyer to provide distance and someone to represent your interests. It does not matter if the house is only in his name and there are pension considerations

As he is being obstructive go for all you can get: pension, house, half of joint assets. What have you got to lose? I suspect you will come off much better than him. Just go for your divorce whole heartedly. Good luck.

Divorce is hard, i believe every option should be looked into before calling it quits.

It is indeed hard. But after someone constantly throws you out at midnight, puts his hands on you and screams.. it’s time to call it a day

Well firstly having no children together is a bonus at least they do not get dragged into this mess. He doesn't want you to do it with solicitors and costs because then he knows he has to spend his money it doesn't sound like you are the Greedy person it sounds like he is. Personally everything you paid for I would get back but then you just said you want a peace for life so you allow him to have everything to me that sounds like you have really had enough and just want to move forward without any dramas. He is just being a dickhead and wants to make things hard for you stand your ground and just apply for the divorce and move forward with your life.

Get on and do it OP. I put it off time and again, for fear of retribution. I am now 3 years into proceedings with a 13k solicitors bill (we do jointly own the house and have children so are arguing over finances) as he has delayed and obstructed every step of the way. It took 8 months to get to the first court hearing from applying for it. He failed to provide finance so it was resceduled, another 7 month wait.

Dont delay, apply online and do every step as it comes. In your position i absolutely would walk away (not advising you to, its just what i would do)

Wish I’d known this was possible. Thought I had to have a lawyer and my poor parents ended up forking out £20k. Repaid them eventually though in the form of lovely holidays with me and my now dh.

My divorce from my ex took 2 years and even after he kept threatening to take me back to court and try and claim spousal maintenance. He also suffered from anxiety and depression and was an alcoholic so wasn’t always rational.

two things helped me:

I was lucky he had a family member willing to act as a go between and support us both. So limit how much contact I had to have.

i had to decide how much to fight vs being able to walk away and start my life over. Once I made peace that I wouldn’t get all that I was due but I did get my life back - much easier to move on.

50:50 split. Apply online £600, then instruct a solicitor to deal with the 50:50 financial split. Leave it to them. Its tgeir job. They will get you a good deal for what youre entitled to. He Sounds like a complete pig

I think a judge ultimately has to sign off that they think the financial split is fair, and they won’t do this if it very obviously isn’t.

Definitely speak to a solicitor OP.

Stop engaging with him
Everything must go through your solicitor. When you are not around to belittle he will soon get bored.

That’s a long time and sorry to hear you had to go through all of that. I hope soon it works out well for you. Good luck.

Thank you for the advice

Grey rock! I never engaged in any dialogue with him since the day I left. Hia parents owned the house so I had to leave. I took everything I had paid for which left him with an old dining room table! I literally had paid for everything. I took everything, even down to cutlery, plates etc.
He cheated and deserved everything he had coming!

Good on you. I hope life is treating you better now

Thats not includibg the several years it took me to be strong enough for this fight.

Its truly shocking how people can get away with just not engaging. Thats the sole reason its cost me so much.

Just a thought but, I wonder what the implications are for just...not bothering.

I mean do you need to marry someone else any time soon? Heck, do you ever want to get married again?

People will know better than me but, couldn't you just leave and delete and block him? (I dunno what issues that might bring up...all I can think of is maybe if you need to claim benefits it could be an issue?).

Chances are he might get a woman sometime down the line anyway and need a divorce before you do. Abusive men usually get into new relationships fast as they need the victims to drain dry.

Maybe you could get out of this easily. Just, further down the line.

Just record with a solicitor that you've seperated or something.

I get the desire for things to be officially over but, these things can drag on anyway. Might be worth it to just put a pin in it for now and then when he actually wants out, he will probably want to hurry it along.

Write it off and enjoy a clean break, next time avoid marrying a twat 😁

You can divorce without sorting any finances. I’d push through the a no fault divorce asap (you file so you are the petitioner & control the process don’t let him get there first). And leave financials till you’re feeling stronger to deal with it. You have nothing to lose doing this, he will figure out eventually he does.