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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I help my friend?

30 replies

MsRollersk8er · 31/01/2026 11:30

My best friend of 30years told me that she plans to leave her husband of 20years this week. She has been growing close to someone at work which she says has made her realise that her marriage is not what she wants. She has a spark with this man that has never felt with husband. Husband is devoted to her and their kids, on the outside they have a perfect marriage. She is going to blow it up for someone she says makes her feel alive. I want her to be happy and I want to support her but am shocked at how quickly this has progressed. How can I be a good friend to her? What advise / support I should give? This is so out if character she has so much to lose but she is adamant that she needs to do this and I want her to be happy

OP posts:

SENmumof22026 · 31/01/2026 11:35

Stay out of it, don’t get involved. Chances are the new relationship won’t work and will fizzle out and she’ll regret it.

ThejoyofNC · 31/01/2026 11:37

Your friend is a fool. You can't help her.

CharSiu · 31/01/2026 11:43

Let her own and suffer her consequences.

Any children involved and does the man have a partner and children ?

Original poster

MsRollersk8er · 31/01/2026 11:48

She has 2 children one in primary school one in secondary school. He is divorced no children. He has nothing to lose she has everything

OP posts:

outerspacepotato · 31/01/2026 12:12

She's ending her marriage for a physical attraction to someone she doesn't even really know. It sounds like she's been having an emotional affair.

I'd point out the obvious downsides and that this is extremely unlikely to end up in a happy ever after for her, but other than that, there's not much you can do. I feel bad for the husband and kids here.

I personally would pull back from the friendship. I couldn't be supportive of blowing up a family and hurting them so deeply and leaving lifelong wounds to be with some guy she doesn't even really know.

Pryceosh1987 · 01/02/2026 01:20

Divorce is a bad idea for her. A new person requires alot of new works, when she already has a perfectly fitted house on a mountain top. She just needs to renovate the good house and give it a good cleaning. Counselling works. Tell her not to leave your husband.

HelpMeGetThrough · 01/02/2026 05:47

I wouldn’t do anything, let her make her bed and lie on it.

I’d more than likely be distancing myself from her, as I couldn’t be bothered to hear about the shit show she will have created when whatever she has with this other bloke goes tits up, which it probably will.

tuvamoodyson · 01/02/2026 05:50

I find staying out of other’s relationships works very well for me….try it.

ThePrecisionsifthisislove · 01/02/2026 06:06

It'll get messy..stay out of it.
Divorced guy no kids would potentially have two kids on his doorstep can't see that working out either.

WhatNoRaisins · 01/02/2026 06:24

It's ok to have your boundaries about how much you want to know about her affair if it's upsetting you and tell her. I'd want to stay out of this.

LittleCrumblyBiscuit · 01/02/2026 06:29

Ultimately if she’s determined to blow up her whole life, then it’s her choice. You have to decide whether or not you feel able to be there to pick up the pieces when it goes wrong. If you don’t want to do that, then tell her now that you think she’s making a mistake and you’re not able to support her and will be stepping back. If you’re happy to support her going forward regardless, then don’t say anything. You can’t change her mind, but you get to decide how involved you will allow yourself to be.

HappyTalkingAndLaughing · 01/02/2026 06:34

Maybe going down the practical side.. I.e ask her the plans for living arrangements, childcare, finances etc when she asks for divorce.

It may help focus her mind more sensibly... but also if she is truly unhappy in her marriage it will help her get her "ducks in a row" to make plans to leave.

ForTheLoveOfAnotherMan · 01/02/2026 07:50

I would be blunt. If falling for someone means she’s realised her marriage isn’t happy that’s one thing. But she needs to leave because of that, not to then take up with the new man.

I have recently done just that. I’ve been in a relationship going nowhere for a while. Neither of us has done anything wrong, it’s just run its course.

and it took me falling for someone else to realise that.

That someone else wasn’t going to happen. He’s married and I would never go there. But it did make me realise that this relationship has reached its conclusion.
so what I would say is, if the marriage is done, really done, then leave. But don’t do it for another man. If it’s right to leave then it’s right regardless.

Frugalgal · 01/02/2026 15:23

ForTheLoveOfAnotherMan · 01/02/2026 07:50

I would be blunt. If falling for someone means she’s realised her marriage isn’t happy that’s one thing. But she needs to leave because of that, not to then take up with the new man.

I have recently done just that. I’ve been in a relationship going nowhere for a while. Neither of us has done anything wrong, it’s just run its course.

and it took me falling for someone else to realise that.

This. 100%

Would she be leaving if the new guy didn't exist? Would she consider marriage therapy? Is the new guy just a catalyst to escaping something she's got to the end of?

'Feeling alive' is just a hormonal response to the novelty of the new, it's excitement, novelty.
A man she's not had to use the toilet after for 20 years, argue over what to make for dinner for the millionth time or spend yet another dull evening of domesticity with.

If her marriage is really really over and would be over without an OM turning her head then she should leave by all means but not straight into the arms of a man she barely knows.

This would fall on deaf ears of course.

Frugalgal · 01/02/2026 15:25

tuvamoodyson · 01/02/2026 05:50

I find staying out of other’s relationships works very well for me….try it.

She wouldn't know any of this if the friend hadn't brought her into it.

PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers · 01/02/2026 15:33

Don’t engage with her over this. She’s making a huge error, behaving like a teenager. Don’t be any part of it. Change the subject.

justtheotheronemrswembley · 01/02/2026 15:35

"on the outside they have a perfect marriage"

And on the inside? You have no way of knowing what goes on behind closed doors.

OfficerChurlish · 01/02/2026 15:44

If she's leaving because she now realises that her marriage is not viable for her and she has thought through the possibilities of trying to improve/repair it and decided no, then I guess all you can do is give her practical advice. (1) She should have an idea about how she wants the split to proceed (assets, money, children, living arrangements, telling family and friends). Her husband may be in shock for a bit but eventually will have strong ideas of his own so she needs a starting point. (2) If she's not already planning to move out permanently and ready to go right away, she should get prepared to leave the house for at least a few days if her husband asks her to go - especially if she is actually having an affair, not just contemplating it.

If she's leaving to be with this guy, assuming he also wants to be with her, she needs to figure out what to do about work (do they need to disclose the relationship? Will one of them need to change jobs?) And she needs to be prepared for this relationship to be a blip and for her to be alone to work out how she wants to handle her new life. (I'm not saying that WILL happen, but it easily can). I'd even suggest she get situated on her own without the distraction of the new man, and then see how he fits into her new life. How does she juggle other man and children, for example? Of course, what YOU "can" and "can't" say depends on your friendship, even though she's opened the door - but these are the basic things she needs to consider immediately if she hasn't.

RoseWineLover · 01/02/2026 16:02

MsRollersk8er · 31/01/2026 11:48

She has 2 children one in primary school one in secondary school. He is divorced no children. He has nothing to lose she has everything

Edited

And that's exactly what I would tell her! She is about to put a bomb under family's world for what?? Someone has shown her some attention, she's flattered, that's what happened to my now ex husband and it cost him dearly, not financially but emotionally with his sons. She is being very selfish indeed. Again, she loses everything, and he loses nothing. Why can't she see that!

HeyThere111 · 01/02/2026 16:06

A lot of the comments are quite un sympathetic for your friend. I want to add from a place of experience on her side. I had a situation with a friend which made me realise how unhappy my marriage was. We didnt have an affair but it highlighted what was wrong at home. After a lot of conversations my husband and I tried again for the sake of our child. We should instead have walked away from each other because we are unhappy as a couple. So I would imagine there is more to how your friend is feeling than just someone else.
I had really supportive friends. So I would say listen to her, be there. You can ask her questions around how long she has been unhappy. Would she consider counselling. Has she told her husband how she feels before going to blow up level. Is she so unhappy she can give up half of her children's remaining childhood. What advise would she give her child. She just needs to think about this and having someone she trusts to talk to with no judgement will be how to help.

NavyTurtle · 01/02/2026 17:22

Stay the heck out of it.

tuvamoodyson · 01/02/2026 18:04

Frugalgal · 01/02/2026 15:25

She wouldn't know any of this if the friend hadn't brought her into it.

Show quote history

of course…but she need take no part in it.

Doone22 · 01/02/2026 19:52

Why stay out of it? She's brought you in. So if you disapprove tell her, if you think she's an idiot victim of her hormones tell her. Her children are ultimately going to suffer the most. A marriage is a contract, you don't break it just because your libido gets out of control.

Sponge321 · 02/02/2026 03:49

I don't think you can give advice just friendship. Say you love and support her either way. Acknowledge it's a huge decision. Let her make it for herself.

You might not know everything about her current relationship anyway. I'm stuck with my partner staying for the kids/dogs/house which is 60% mine but any time I've tried to raise the subject of him leaving he laughs it off, stonewalls me for a few days and ends up staying. I endure being mocked, insulted and humiliated frequently and if escape felt possible or realistic financially/emotionally I'd jump at it just to be free. My friends probably think everything's great on the surface.

If she's miserable let her leave. Maybe just check she'd still be happy as a single mum if the new relationship fails.

Patchworkquilts · 02/02/2026 09:01

It’s not your life and not your marriage.
You can tell her you feel uncomfortable knowing about it, you can tell her you don’t agree with cheating, but you can’t tell her what to do and you can’t tell her how to feel or that her marriage is fine. Because you are not her and you are not part of her marriage. You only see her marriage on the surface and have no idea how it was behind closed doors and in the bedroom.

It’s ok to disagree with cheating and if’s ok to distance yourself from people who do stuff that you find morally questionable. If this is keeping you up at night you should step away for a while.

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