Emotional affair gone too far - HOW TO END it

[Romevsldn]

Limerence /emotional affair

I need some objective perspective. I know this is a dick move on my part and I’m already carrying plenty of guilt, so please skip the "terrible person" comments; I’m well aware.

I I’m 38, male, and have been single for a year after a 4-year marriage. For six months, I’ve been entangled in an intense emotional affair with a colleague (39, married 16 years, with kids). While I am her superior at work, I’m not her direct line manager which gives a loop hole policy wise(I wrote it so I know - call me silly - I did not even think of this before this happen; i was caught up).

We are, quite frankly, obsessed with each other(I have not felt like this since I was a teenager). She brings me homemade lunch every day, sometimes the husband would have cooked this very food, and we message 24/7 even when we are at work. She shares everything: what she’s doing with her family, photos of her days with them, and even details about intimacy with her husband, at times she says she was thinking of me during those moments. When they argue or when she feels down, she goes out and calls me to calm her down. Her husband is actually a very hard working guy and knows we are "friends," but he has no idea of the actual intensity; he does not treat her like a wife (no dates/no flowers/no romantic stuff(they do have sex fyi)/not the usual you would expect from your husband but he is rather just a man of the house and does what he needs to do for the kids - I am the opposite of this, I got her a x-mas gift for her and also a shared one for their household, he didn't get her a thing).

There is massive sexual tension and we’ve had passionate, lengthy hugs during sneaky meets outside work. However, she’s been clear: it will never be physical and she will never divorce, as it’s culturally unheard of for her. I also can't bring myself to be physical with a married woman.

I’ve reached a breaking point. This is draining the life out of me. I want to find a real partner and this is holding me back (she rubbishes every date I have been on - silly of me to share this with her anyway). When I lost my phone recently, she left 20 missed calls and was in tears. The thought of a day without her making me feel happy is incredibly difficult to process, and she feels the same from what she says.

How do I actually walk away from something this emotionally consuming and I know we may both struggle mentally and emotionally to process this? I cannot just block because I will still see her and lust of her/ feel the need to talk to her etc.
Has anyone successfully navigated "de-escalating" an emotional affair and/or what can you suggest I do?

I think you need to calmly tell her, 'Whilst I care about you greatly you are married and need to focus your attention on your husband and not me. We both accept that you will never leave him and I am uncomfortable with the way our friendship is going - it feels far too emotional and is preventing me from moving on with my life and finding a loving partner. I am just going to treat you in friendly fashion like any other colleague from now on, and there will be no personal calls, texts or messages - no conversations that are not work related. I really hope you understand this because it is draining for both of us and I can no longer continue'.

And STICK to it.

You know what you’ve got to do, but like any addiction it takes strong will & perseverence to accomplish to enable you to take back some sort of control.

If she will not resign that leaves you to look for other employment. You are way too entangled, and will remain so whilst working in relative proximity. Its an understatement to say both of you are not behaving well.

This mess is set to continue until one of you steps up and stops all contact.

manage yourself, stop contact with her other than the minimum necessary to get work done, focus on other things.

You’re senior to her at work: the ‘loophole’ you think you wrote might not help you keep your job and status should she or someone else complain about you.

It is only me that has to step for , you are right. I will do so . hope people suggest how to.

Sadly, I cannot just resign sadly, I am part owner.

Thank you for this, sounds good

I think you need to find your anger.

It's incredibly unreasonable of her to want you there at her beck and call, just for her; when she intends to stay married and stay with her husband.

If she cared about you, is this what she wants for you? To be in some kind of limbo half relationship half other man situation forever?
Doesn't she want you to find happiness?

She doesn't fully want you for herself but doesn't want anyone else to have you.

I bet it feels shit for you when she is spending high days and holidays with her husband, you know she is going to bed with him every night, and you're on your own.

She is using you as a prop to help her survive her mediocre marriage and you are facilitating her staying with him. She is avoiding facing up to how lacking her marriage is.

You definitely deserve better.

"If she cared about you, is this what she wants for you? To be in some kind of limbo half relationship half other man situation forever?
Doesn't she want you to find happiness?"

absolutely the way to see it, she has issues with me when I have gone on dates; i started to share hoping she may just have the strength than me to cut this whole thing off.

"She is using you as a prop to help her survive her mediocre marriage"
100% how i see things now because she is emotionally invested and keeps the physical aspect for her husband only because he cannot deliver the emotional connections she craves.

FGS, for all you know you are just fulfilling a fantasy for both of them.
She’s not going to leave him and she has kids. What she’s doing is really shitty and you’re no better. Why mention that you eat the lunch he’s made if you’re not getting some kind of kick out of it? And buying presents for her kids? Really?
I don’t think you want to end it at all. I think you just want to talk about it and revel in it. Shame on you.
Edited to add you deserve to face repercussions for this professionally too. A loophole in the policy you wrote 🙄

This

This re: the policy; you'll have to watch your back if she gets jealous when you properly date others, you've shat on your own doorstep here given you are part owner

You are being used. She is treating you and her husband very badly. She's not a nice person. Stop making a fool of yourself and gather your dignity. Tell her it's over now and only speak to her for work purposes. Start filling your time with other things.

Oh no - not good - from a business continuity sense. This screams risk!!! You are part owner - she could do all sorts of damage. You seriously need to step back for the sake of your business - you are giving her all the tools she needs to destroy you

Yeah, I'm in agreement with GhostMutt

She is a user.
For whatever reason (ego, confidence, attention) this is purely for her to feel good about herself. She's made it very clear she's not leaving her husband.
I don't know if her husband is romantic/buys her gifts, maybe he does maybe he doesn't. What i do know is she's getting a whole bunch of gifts and attention from you.
She doesn't sound very nice

That said, you are no better. You know she's married.
Also, this "loop-hole" in the policy is bollocks. Youre just trying to justify yourself. You know it's icky and wrong.

This is going to be harsh, you know what to do, I don't think you need to advice from us. You need to have a strong word with yourself and ask yourself " What the fuck am I doing?"

Your life is getting upended for a woman who just wants the attention from you and fun at work, you are an obsessive fantasy for her but if her husband found out you would be abrupt history, because she has already told you she likes things just the way they are. This os not a nice lady, OP, she’s calling all the shots and has you exactly where she wants you,
See this for what it is: an exciting fantasy secret for her which is ultimately going nowhere because she’s told you it isn’t.
I think cold turkey as soon as possible is your best bet, use a work email address to discuss work only.
Tell her you’ve decided this has to stop, you don’t like the person you’re becoming and hate that her husband is being so badly betrayed by both of you. Tell her you would hate to be the one involved in the tearing apart of her family and devastating her husband and children. Tell her you’re not that type of guy and you hate being complicit in her husband and children’s betrayal.
Put this level of energy and time into other areas of your life, you’ll be amazed at how much better it could get.
Short explanation to colleague, limit contact to work, no personal stuff or asking how she is. Bring your own lunch and eat it alone.
Police yourself like your life depended on it because your future and finding a great real relationship does depend on it.
You recognise that you need to stop, you’re re-living teenage obsession and that’s all this is, no matter how all consuming it feels.
Don’t kid yourself that hugging isn’t physical just because it’s not sex. Hand holding, hugging, kissing are all physical acts of affection. You’re minimising it but it’s another boundary and line crossed. Outside of one night stands, cheating starts small and each line gradually gets easier and easier to cross until you have no idea how you got that obsessed and embroiled.
Affairs of any kind are incredibly exciting and their illicit fantasy nature disguises the fact that it’s not a real relationship, and lots of the feelings involved are situational, without the secrecy and longing it would be far more fun of the mill. It’s why most cheats want to go back home. She’ll vanish if her husband finds out and you’ll be left wondering if she meant a word of it. She’s already told you effectively that you’re second best.
Mentally invest in yourself, and physically, stay out of her company unless it’s purely work. Don’t engage with any other conversation topic.
It will be hard and feel like hell because you’ve lost sight of normality, of reality, but police yourself rigorously or you’ll lose yourself and self worth and reputation for ultimately nothing.
Her husband might already be suspicious and it’s only a matter of time before he finds out because he will, she’s distancing himself at home and obsessing with you.
Good luck and I hope it stops before anyone gets badly hurt, the trauma from betrayal is huge and can take years to get through. Don’t help her put her husband and children through that.
You’ll be glad you invested in yourself and not in a selfish, entitled wife and mother who should know better, currently she’s being terrible at both and until she changes her ways is not a very nice person at all.

So update: This woman's husband finally saw messages she had not deleted and she went quiet for a week and finally called me because her daughter pressured her(she had go proper depressed from not talking to me it appears)

Long story short, he even asked to see what i look like and has changed on how he is towards her(for the good).

I feel like a dick for my part, i knew she was married so should not have continued but I have asked her to stop talking to me now , I do not want to block her because Last time I blocked someone, they absolutely went crazy even more.

He asks her every single day if she has heard from me so now she just calls on her way to work and on her way home; I am cutting these calls short until it phases out

thank you; i do see the point about being used. I am OLD now

You do realise she is likely to do this again when your home life is dull af? Can you imagine what her husband is going through? So you’re still in contact. And all this dishonesty makes it look like she’s the love of your life or something?

Don't buy this for a second. He's being nicer to her because he found out about you? You ate food he cooked and now after 6 months of this you want her to stop talking to you?

He's the person I feel sorry for in all of this - no wonder he's upset

Sadly on discovery this is what usually happens. Most unfaithful spouses either want to carry on the affair as an affair, or if allowed to stay in the marriage, cut it off and file it in the past, The betrayed spouse usually quite rightly demands no contact with the affair partner, so the affair partner feels dumped and used and spends a long time going over what was said/ done/ promised during the affair and how the unfaithful spouse can just turn their back on them like it meant nothing. You were a fun escape from day to day routine who made her feel good about herself and desirable/ young/ attractive again. Note well ‘feel good about herself’, because affairs are not often about the other person, they’re about the excitement and feel good factors which they are chasing. If her marriage was dead and she wanted out, and felt more for you than him and her marriage, his discovery would be a relief and she’d have left him to be with you or at least have made concrete plans to do so.
Her husband probably won’t take much more of her shenanigans and if he finds out you still message each other personally he might end it anyway. Phasing out is a dangerous strategy which will cause more harm if discovered than the original affair. She’s no doubt promising him the earth now and telling him she’s done with you and it was nothing, a fling etc etc and he will hot take a further betrayal, if she lies about this to him he will never trust her again. She’s saying this to him to ease her guilt with him and telling you how depressed she is not being able to talk to you to ease her guilt about that. Also it’s a good way to keep you dangling in case her husband changes his mind and dumps her. She’s got to suck up to you because she knows cutting contact for a week and choosing him might result in you (quite rightly) telling her to get lost, so to keep her options open and feel less awful about what she’s doing, she gives you ‘woe is me I miss you but don’t have a choice blah blah’. Text book I’m afraid.
If you truly believe you’ve ’been a dick’ and don’t want to do something that might end their marriage, you don’t send two messages a day, you send one, a final one, spelling out that she’s made her choice, further contact risks her marriage again, so to avoid that, this is a goodbye message ending it for good and you are going to block her to prevent anything else awful happening. Say you’re blocking her for practical reasons, not spite, it has to end and blocking each other ends it.
I think if you explain and tell her beforehand why and when you’re going to block her, she shouldn’t go crazy.
It’s the kindest thing you can do for her and for yourself, she really doesn’t get to stay with him and have you dangling at the end of messages any more and all he needs to know is that you’re still messaging and that might be that for good.
Stay in touch with her and her marriage will blow up imminently, or the pair of you will end up escalating it again and her marriage will blow up later.
Cold turkey plus an explained and forewarned block is the best way to go. Affairs aren’t unique, aren’t special, most of them start/ progress and end the same way and weren’t ever worth the pain they caused. Walk away now and don’t allow yourself to be treated this way again. Build integrity and self esteem by living honestly and authentically. Being her grubby secret isn’t so much fun when you realise you weren’t at the top of her list when the chips were down and when it’s revealed to those who ought to know.
Most things that live in the dark don’t look so special and are pretty ugly when dragged into the cold light of day.
Walk away and politely block, you won’t regret it.

So why are t you angrier? I mean, I think she sounds a bit nuts and not particularly nice or well-balanced, but it’s helping her with her status who which she has no j te tin of altering, and you’re stuck in limbo, with her going crazy when you don’t text her back immediately or go on a date.

Tell her it’s over, block her and start looking for another job. Treat it like any other unhealthy addiction that gives you a quick dopamine hit but isn’t good for you.

She claims she told her all the things i have done for her etc that he doesnt(flowers/xmas present/checking on her day/supporting her to go back and top up her degree etc) so he realised all these things and has all the sudden been paying attention to her

And are you happy to be used as some kind of stick to beat someone else's husband into more attentive behaviour?

Tell her husband that will put an end to it ! Do you really want to be with someone with such low morals ? If you were youd be looking over your shoulder all the time. Put tour big boy pants on/grow a pair and get over this ego boost it just shows you as selfish. So start with blocking on the phone and do something more productive at lunch time go for a walk/jog Tell her to stop bringing lunch. If this fails send her husband an anonymous letter he deserves to know the “type” of woman he’s married to

The husband knows

If her husband wants to repair his marriage then him stepping up is no bad thing, surely? Of course you were being more attentive than he was, affairs aren’t in a real world situation and people say and do whatever they think will keep it going. If she complains to you that he’s not paying her enough attention or making romantic then you’d be a fool not to fill in the gap if you want her to like you. Affair partners listen very carefully to what each other says, especially about their spouses. Just remember that his alleged neglect didn’t contribute to the affair, her choice to solve her problems by turning to you did. If she’d honestly told him she wasn’t getting what she needed from him and was thinking of looking for someone else, you think he’d have ignored it? You think when he had sex with her he was ignoring her? You don’t seem to have wondered whether your proven liar affair partner ever lied to you, or stretched the truth a bit.
She had a choice and an ego boost with you was preferable than facing the hard truth about her marriage with the person she should have been talking to. He didn’t cause the affair, she did. Cheating is only caused by cheats, nobody gets forced to be dishonest.
Her husband is trying to meet her needs as he should. Let him, it’s not your job and never was.