Help me unpick why I’m so upset

[Pinkandpurplehairedlady]

This is going to sound really childish and I’m fully prepared to be told to get over myself…..

I’ve been seeing someone for two years bar a 6 month break in the summer as he got scared and shut down on me.

I was upset with him because after a year he wouldn’t call me his girlfriend, didn’t take any photos of us and if I took one of him told me not to post online. I felt sidelined and upset that he wouldn’t commit.

We reconnected in November and so far things are going really well but yesterday we readded each other on Facebook and I scrolled through his page from when we weren’t together. He’d posted pictures of a weekend away with someone and it’s really upset me.

I feel less than - like I wasn’t worthy of being public with and being called girlfriend.

I’m not naive and didn’t really expect him to be celibate after we’d split up so it’s not that but I can’t quite put my finger on why it’s had such an effect on me.

Are you sure this other person isn't his original girlfriend and you're his bit on the side, hence the social media ban on pictures of you together?

You had invested a lot of time and emotion in him, and you didn’t think the feelings were reciprocated. What you saw on Facebook confirmed this. You feel like you wasted your time on him. You feel a bit foolish for investing so much in him.

He sounds pretty horrible to be honest.

Have you asked him why you need to be kept secret?

If the photos are of him and/or a romantic partner (and they are tagged) then it’s natural to wonder why he wouldn’t allow you to post pics of him and you but posted on that occasion.

If the posts are generic say scenery and he’s not tagged the person that he travelled with then that’s unreasonable to be upset about.

You don't sound childish. Some people on here sound like they are overreacting to things on social media. I think you are under reacting.

Either he has a girlfriend and is seeing you on the side, or he's just a bit crap, as evidenced by what you said below:

6 month break in the summer as he got scared and shut down on me.

Has a girlfriend or is a bit crap

after a year he wouldn’t call me his girlfriend

Has a girlfriend or is a bit crap

didn’t take any photos of us and if I took one of him told me not to post online

Has a girlfriend or is a bit crap

He’d posted pictures of a weekend away with someone

Has a girlfriend or is a bit crap

It sounds as though when you first met him he was already in a relationship and when he " got scared and shut you down" he ditched you in favour of his other relationship- the woman he went away with.
I think you would be unwise to trust him.OP.

so what's it like now after the reconnection, are you allowed to post photos as his girlfiend?

I don’t think he had a girlfriend whilst we were together - as a poster above said I think he was just crap.

He’s genuinely making an effort this time and I’m meeting his parents in a couple of weeks (I’ve said he’s not meeting my teens for awhile longer).

I guess it’s partly jealousy and a feeling of why wasn’t I enough when I gave him so much.

He knows I’m upset and called this morning to check on me but I was working and couldn’t really talk.

but yes sounds like you were dumped because of that other person, and this relationship didn't work out, so now he's back. If he still won't commit, he is back until another better option comes along.

I think you are a little naive. It’s quite clear from your post he’s either married or has a long term partner and you’re being hidden. Did this not occur to you when he was controlling about what images of your life you were allowed to post on your own channels?

Have you ever been to/stayed at his house?

Just seen your updates - I think it’s highly possible he has always had multiple partners even if not one significant other outside your relationship

Ffs so he wouldn’t let you post anything but he happily let other women and he posted about them. Yeah there is NO coming back from this

You’ve every right to feel upset op!
There’s obviously something very dodgy going on here and frankly, you need to chuck him back! He’s not trustworthy. End it and block him! You deserve so much better.

It would probably have been best to have broken it off when he took a break of six months! Surely that was telling you something? He is obviously trying to run another relationship in parallel and he didn’t want you posting on Facebook bc he was, or is, in a relationship with someone else.

It might be a good idea to consider why you don’t value yourself more op and why you were prepared to accept a break of six months? From now on you need to look for men who aren’t half-hearted, who truly want a relationship and who are invested in you. You be the one who is pursued and not the one doing the pursuing and willing to accept crumbs!

You are rightly upset because he is signaling that you are 'less than' not because you are but because it gives him power in the relationship to keep you destabliised and delighted for scraps and signs of affection from him. This is not healthy.

This is likely to be the case. What's his "official" relationship background?

Honestly he just doesn’t feel that much for you. I’m not saying that to be mean but it’s better that you look at your relationship with 100% clarity and understand what you are signing up for. If someone really wants you they will happily acknowledge you publicly. It would be different if he were really private but thats not the case here. I think he’ll always make you feel like you aren’t quite good enough.

I really don’t see how he could have had another girlfriend at the same time as me. I used to stay at his home a lot, had toiletries there that were always where I’d left them and a draw of clothes.

He was waiting for the financial part of his divorce to be finalised when we reconnected (had known each other 10 years ago and lost touch) and didn’t want me to post home in case it messed anything up. My frustration was that he would blow hot and cold - one minute it was I love you and the next was I’m scared.

I’ve messaged him to see if we can video chat later - I’m not due to see him until Sunday and don’t really want this hanging over me until then.

I don’t think it’s worth going out with him. He’s been so reluctant so far, people don’t really change.

Reading this update op…

~Taking a break for a week or so qualifies as “a bit crap” BUT taking a break for six months is totally disrespectful!

~Not wanting to appear on sm bc you are not sure where the relationship is going yet qualifies as “reasonable” or “a bit crap” depending on your viewpoint BUT appearing with another woman on sm when he has forbidden photos of himself with you, is again totally disrespectful and taking the piss frankly.

I bet something will come up before you meet his parents op. Even if it doesn’t, at this point in the relationship you should be totally head over heels with one another, you shouldn’t be having to check his sm because you don’t trust him! And you shouldn’t be upset and have all of these suspicions.

Also, what gives him the right to dictate how this runs? Why are you letting him run the show?

Edited to say: it shouldn’t be necessary to take a six month break in a relationship that has only lasted 18 mths! Or a year, depending on how you look at it! I don’t want to sound harsh to you op, but I feel upset on your behalf that you are accepting this poor behaviour 💐

We accept the love we think we deserve.

What is your upset communicating? Do you feel valued and cherished in the relationship?

What would you say if one of your children was being treated this way by a future partner?

He is hiding you. Probably because you are the OW.

But if I am wrong, it is insulting that he doesn't want you integrated into his social lifeafter so long.

Your decision op but surely you can take a break unilaterally too and at least keep him hanging until Sunday, or beyond?

It's odd for him to be happy to post pics of other women he dated presumably for less time, but refused to allow any pics of you together. Not just him not posting, but barring you from doing so.

It makes me think he wasn't actually single when he started seeing you. Either that or he did not see it as serious.

So what's changed? What makes you think he's suddenly serious about you now? Has he introduced you to his mates, his family, does he now not mind photographic evidence of you seeing each other being in the public domain?

Honestly I see no reason why you went back to this one. He wasn't worth it once, never mind twice.

Assuming for the moment that he didn't have another girlfriend when you were together before (he may have done or been dating multiple women, but no clear evidence either way) then the issue is ..

When you were dating before he avoided any public recognition of you as his girlfriend both on social media and in real life. At the time I would have thought maybe he's just a very private person. But the fact that he publicly posted about his relationship with the woman he dated after you'd split indicates that he was proud to be publicly associated with her but not with you. And that's what hurts.

It would hurt me too. I would not be able to continue further with him.

Someone blowing hot and cold, being scared and shutting down is a very specific pattern. I think you will regret giving him another chance.