Help me unpick why I’m so upset

[Pinkandpurplehairedlady]

This is going to sound really childish and I’m fully prepared to be told to get over myself…..

I’ve been seeing someone for two years bar a 6 month break in the summer as he got scared and shut down on me.

I was upset with him because after a year he wouldn’t call me his girlfriend, didn’t take any photos of us and if I took one of him told me not to post online. I felt sidelined and upset that he wouldn’t commit.

We reconnected in November and so far things are going really well but yesterday we readded each other on Facebook and I scrolled through his page from when we weren’t together. He’d posted pictures of a weekend away with someone and it’s really upset me.

I feel less than - like I wasn’t worthy of being public with and being called girlfriend.

I’m not naive and didn’t really expect him to be celibate after we’d split up so it’s not that but I can’t quite put my finger on why it’s had such an effect on me.

"I feel less than - like I wasn’t worthy of being public with and being called girlfriend."

That's why your upset. You said it yourself. It's completely valid to feel really upset when he wouldn't have a picture with you during a 2 year period or call you girlfriend but posted with another woman. He is treating you as less than and not valuing you.

You should end the relationship, you don't really matter to him. You deserve better but you won't believe it if you keep accepting being treated like this.

He sounds a bit flakey to me.

i can understand why you are upset you wanted a committed relationship and he doesn't he wanted casual.
If the woman in the photo was a romantic thing and he posted pictures on line but didn't want pictures of you and him online...theres a reason for that.
Haven you met his family and friends?

You’re upset because you don’t feel valued. Most people would be in your position.
If you’re not good enough to be seen on socials but someone else is immediately after you, that tells you what he thinks of you.
And now that’s not worked out he’s back to you because you’ll take him back.
He wasn’t sure about you but was sure really quickly about someone else, but his better option didn’t want him.

I don’t think this has a future however hard he’s trying right now. If he thought about your feeling at all the least he would do is hide the summer photos. He doesn’t even care enough to do that.

Tell him you want a break - see what he says. If he happily agrees you've got your answer.

He got scared? Oh please 🙄 why did you take him back after he messed you about the first time? It's only a matter of time before he does it again.

Dump. Relationships shouldn’t be difficult. Who needs that?

I had one like this apart from the posting of pictures and social media stuff. I'm not into all that so didn't bother me what he did with his FB.

But we were together not quite two years with a gap somewhere where he'd got scared and backed off.

He is classic avoidant. I ended up being anxious when with him though don't think I usually am, but it was my first relationship after a bad mare so I fell hard for him.

I liked the Attached book at the time. Made sense to me.

Honestly though, there's nothing wrong with you and it's sad you're feeling that way because of how he behaves. They are truly HIS issues though.

You've just seen a visual reminder of what you know anyway but don't want to accept - that you are just an option for him. Why waste your time hanging on to whether someone will call you his girlfriend or not? You are far more invested than he is, and that will never end well.

I am sorry OP you need to be in a relationship that brings you joy and adds rather than detracts from you.
He is not the person for you and if he hasn’t really changed much after your break , he is unlikely to do so now .
You should never feel that you are someone’s second best and he is keeping his options open . Get rid and I hope you find someone who values and respects you .

I wonder whether his divorce was fully formalised when you were first together and he was protecting his DC until everything was settled, particularly the financial side, could he have been protecting you in case divorce got nasty. Do you feel different with him this time, both of you more secure this time. I hope you get the answers you need.

I once went out with a guy who had not long since split with a woman he's now married to.

They 100% got back together not long after we got together and he displayed all the same issues - we didn't go out with his friends, I wasn't allowed to visit him at work (a shop I went to regularly anyway) and the one time go while he was working he lost the plot (they worked together I found out later). Nothing to be posted on SM (although there was a lot less SM about in those days).

I met his parents, they were indifferent to me but civil and I now presume they knew I was the bit on the side.

He was hedging his bets in case he lost her again. However, looking back I see how much of a catch he wasn't, and how not bothered I actually was about being with him or not.

Be careful. Think about whether you actually get anything from this relationship or whether if he turned around and dumped you again you'd actually be ok. That will tell you a lot.

You’re focusing on what you did wrong, why you weren’t good enough etc. This isn’t the right mind set.

He treated you poorly because he’s emotionally immature, doesn’t respect people’s feelings and is a shit human being.

He didn’t want to make you his girlfriend or upload photos of you on social media because he didn’t want to commit to you and probably had more than one of you on to go at the same time.

His poor behaviour is a reflection on him. He wasn’t some worthy prize that you’ve lost, he was a scum bag.

You're not being childish OP, you don't need to get over yourself. In fact everything you've written and your intention to speak to him about it seems very level-headed to me, so you don't really need anyone's advice.

You deserve better and he needs to know that. His reaction - I mean overall, not necessarily the immediate ego reaction - will tell you all you need to know

I think you should raise your bar, OP. He’s probably not that into you and has decided to continue a relationship with you because you’re next on his list.

There is a bit of a mad obsession on here with cheating. I don’t think you are thr ow, and struggling to understand why anyone would think that especially if you have been to his house and left your stuff there.

but I’m not sure he got scared and shut down, I call bull on that. More he wasn’t feeling it as much as you and wanted to play the field.

often in relationships one person is more involved than the other and I think that’s rhe case here, you’re more into him than he is you.

Literally any man who ‘gets scared’ and shuts down in a relationship needs to go in the bin 🗑️

This. And what @TheBeaTgoeson1 said.
No one is scared of having a lovely time with a trusted partner they can rely on and build a future with.

Selfish Loser men are scared of "being hassled" by someone wanting or needing anything from them because they are selfish fucks that just want their needs met and then feel they can do whatever they fuck they want with no regard for others. Meeting you needs only when it suits them and on their terms.
No.
Get in the bin.

I dont know anyone whose relationship was as you describe who 5/10 years on are strong and happy and together.

Your upset is normal and valid. His behaviour will also have put you on edge.

Your big mistake imo was taking him back in November.

Id really urge you to think about ending this relationship

Your relationship broke down because he was scared to commit

During the break he dated someone else and uploaded photos onto Facebook (which he didn't do with you)

You and he got back together and he didn't mention dating other people during your break

I'd suggest that he's emotionally avoidant and your relationship won't last