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Original poster

Other half not sure what he wants

45 replies

Larissima · 30/01/2026 08:10

Just that really.
Other half unsure he wants or loves me anymore after 20 years and 4 kids. The cliche does lead me to suspect OW although no proof so who knows.
He would like to stay in the family home while he "thinks" about what he wants. I would like him to leave while he "thinks" about what he wants.
Personally I don't think making such huge statements should allow him to be comfortable.
I have put up with a fair bit. I can admit I haven't been particularly happy over the last few months as I'm sick of some of his selfish behaviours- he can not see this at all- hence the not sure he wants me/ loves me.
WWYD?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 30/01/2026 08:34

Definitely ask him to leave (he doesn’t have to but you can ask).

you don’t need ‘proof’ of another woman (if there isn’t one he will get one anyway, men after 20 year relationships don’t spend one minute alone)

MapleOakPine · 30/01/2026 08:37

How is the housework split OP? If he does stay in the family home (you can't force him to leave if he refuses), at least make sure you're not doing any cooking or laundry for him.

something2say · 30/01/2026 08:38

How has the relationship been generally, are you close?

LittleCrumblyBiscuit · 30/01/2026 08:39

Is he wanting to explore counselling or
any other way of working on your marriage? Or is he just withdrawing? Yes I’d ask him to leave while he “thinks” to give you the space to do the same and decide what you want. There is very likely to be someone else in the mix, there always is.

Omgblueskys · 30/01/2026 08:41

Larissima · 30/01/2026 08:10

Just that really.
Other half unsure he wants or loves me anymore after 20 years and 4 kids. The cliche does lead me to suspect OW although no proof so who knows.
He would like to stay in the family home while he "thinks" about what he wants. I would like him to leave while he "thinks" about what he wants.
Personally I don't think making such huge statements should allow him to be comfortable.
I have put up with a fair bit. I can admit I haven't been particularly happy over the last few months as I'm sick of some of his selfish behaviours- he can not see this at all- hence the not sure he wants me/ loves me.
WWYD?

Oh op he needs to leave, how dare he say ' he doesn't know what he wants' wow! Op,
Will you wait what 3 months or 6 months for him to remember he loves you ?? No no no,tell him to leave and when he finds what he wants ' to stick it up his arse'

You need to control this situation now op,

WinterSunglasses · 30/01/2026 08:44

He needs to go. Otherwise he's just living his usual easy life but just wafting around looking sad at intervals. Your life won't get any better that way.

Cupboarddoorknob · 30/01/2026 08:45

Cherchez la femme. Out on his arse, he doesn’t get to choose in this situation to stay at home after dropping that one. Sorry OP.

Iwontbethere · 30/01/2026 08:48

Who owns the house? Are you financially independent?
If you both own the house it's more difficult as neither person should leave, but being unmarried means it'll be relatively easy, practically, to dump the man.

Lennonjingles · 30/01/2026 08:52

I would stop doing anything for him while he decides, on second thoughts I wouldn’t want him to decide, if he’s unsure after 20 years I wouldn’t want to be with him either. Have you a spare bedroom if he won’t leave, no way would I want to share a bedroom.

Nopersbro · 30/01/2026 08:57

I don't understand what enlightenment he expects to gain by staying in the house with you and thinking about what he wants AFTER making this major and disruptive announcement that he could not have gleaned from, say, thinking about what he wanted BEFORE dropping this major bombshell on you. He's not leaving because he's comfortable where he is and it's a hassle to leave, but it's not at all unreasonable for you to ask him to leave either.

honeylulu · 30/01/2026 09:08

Bloody hell. He wants a trial separation but wants you to leave so he can enjoy his creature comforts. Let me guess the kids are old enough now to look after themselves while he gads about, how convenient!

Trial separation/space to think about what he wants ... this is code for either wanting to try out single life and see how easy it is to find other women OR he has decided that he actually wants to end the relationship and may already have another woman but is soft-soaping the approach to get you to go quietly.

Well fuck that shit. He wants time to think away from you. Off he fucks then and hope the door hits him on the arse on the way out.

What is the home situation? Owned? Rented? In whose name? Can you afford it alone? Can he? I'm assuming not married as you say partner. Are the kids all jointly yours?

Edited for punctuation.

Original poster
Larissima · 30/01/2026 09:38

He says because he isn't sure it's not the same as he definitely doesn't love me want me which I can't help feeling is worse and almost punitive. Kids are young still. And it's been a hard year as he has been retraining into a big profession so it's been bloody hard frankly

OP posts:
Original poster
Larissima · 30/01/2026 09:39

So no whilst it's not been roses there has been good cause- it's been hard few years

OP posts:
Robertsmithsnan · 30/01/2026 09:48

Are you married?
Do you own the home, joint names?
Do you work?

Freedomsjustanotherword · 30/01/2026 10:00

I'm in a not dissimilar situation. H doesn't want to be with me, wants to separate, is having an emotional affair that he refuses to stop but won't move out.

I have no legal redress to make him as we jointly own the house. We're sleeping in separate rooms. H still very much leaning on me for emotional support. Our children are teens, but I'd still rather not put them through the stress and disruption of a house move for a few years.

Your h's behaviour is, like my h's, selfish, punitive and cruel. It's very distressing. My h also has no insight into his levels of selfishness.

This training that he's doing... If he's met new people through doing it, I would say that there likely is someone else involved. The woman my DH is having an emotional affair with is someone he met on a course he started a year ago.

All that is keeping me sane is using the children's needs as a guiding light as to what I should do on a day-to-day basis, and trying to 'shrink' him (suggested by someone on MN, consciously stop my thoughts dwelling on him).

Sending solidarity and strength.

exhaustDAD · 30/01/2026 10:28

This is simple, however, I do appreciate it is still a painful thing. He is "unsure" of what he wants. Well, that seals it. If he doesn't want what you have together for sure, then he doesn't want it, or doesn't want it enough. No more questions needed. I am not sure about you @Larissima , but if someone wants to be with me, i would like it to be something they want, not something they might feel like graciously deciding on, depending on which way the wind blows. He has every right to feel/not feel this way, but he should be out of your life, and you deserve to be with someone who will know for sure that he loves you and want to be with you. Off he goes, I think...

CharSiu · 30/01/2026 10:34

You haven’t written DH.

You need to separate emotion from the law, hard I know when this has been dropped on you.

What is your marital status, rented or owned outright or owned with mortgage.

As hard as it is forget the emotion and look at the finances and what can lawfully be done. If for instance you own the house and you are unmarried then locks can be changed. It makes a huge difference to advice.

Endofyear · 30/01/2026 10:50

Have you asked him to leave and he's refusing? If it's a jointly owned property, are you married? You need to get some legal advice about what your next steps should be. Don't wait around for him to make up his mind, tell him it's over. It sounds very likely that there is another woman in the background to this, I've seen it time and again. Protect yourself and your children and get some good legal advice.

Original poster
Larissima · 30/01/2026 11:57

He has gone now. I had to insist for him to go. Already he is saying I am unreasonable for asking him to leave as he thinks he should be at home while he decides what he wants. No we are not married, I'm not minted but I'll survive. I just wanted to understand if maybe I was unreasonable insisting he go but I really don't think I am.

OP posts:
exhaustDAD · 30/01/2026 12:01

The focus should not be "what he wants" exclusively... Now think about what you want. Would you want to be with someone who needs to think about wanting to be with you in the first place? I know how I'd feel.

LaundryScales · 30/01/2026 12:02

He doesn’t get to pick while you wait around to see what he decides.

I agree with you, “not sure” after 20 years, that’s fine, off you pop then.

He broke your trust, he broke your relationship. He wanted you to play the pick me dance and beg.

DexterMorgansmum · 30/01/2026 12:31

Larissima · 30/01/2026 08:10

Just that really.
Other half unsure he wants or loves me anymore after 20 years and 4 kids. The cliche does lead me to suspect OW although no proof so who knows.
He would like to stay in the family home while he "thinks" about what he wants. I would like him to leave while he "thinks" about what he wants.
Personally I don't think making such huge statements should allow him to be comfortable.
I have put up with a fair bit. I can admit I haven't been particularly happy over the last few months as I'm sick of some of his selfish behaviours- he can not see this at all- hence the not sure he wants me/ loves me.
WWYD?

His 'time to think' = time to start or progress looking for someone else before he leaves, or deepening something that has started with something else. He is technically not cheating once his declaration made of likely wanting separation but still has the comforts of the family home during the first few steps of his new life as a single man

Whether he leaves now or in 6 months, start moving on too....that is what I am doing

DexterMorgansmum · 30/01/2026 12:34

sorry just caught up, well done OP ....these 'thinkers' and 'unsure' ones can eff off

hearsayshesay · 30/01/2026 12:37

Larissima · 30/01/2026 08:10

Just that really.
Other half unsure he wants or loves me anymore after 20 years and 4 kids. The cliche does lead me to suspect OW although no proof so who knows.
He would like to stay in the family home while he "thinks" about what he wants. I would like him to leave while he "thinks" about what he wants.
Personally I don't think making such huge statements should allow him to be comfortable.
I have put up with a fair bit. I can admit I haven't been particularly happy over the last few months as I'm sick of some of his selfish behaviours- he can not see this at all- hence the not sure he wants me/ loves me.
WWYD?

"I can admit I haven't been particularly happy over the last few months"

You see the only difference is, he spoke Out about how he feels and you have internalised your feelings about not being happy.

You are both unhappy, I would not think it is fair for anyone to leave unless you are surely headed for divorce, people go through things and it's normal.

But then again, if it your own house, you can let him leave, it is only fair(surely the statistics of this site would say different if it was roles reversed)

FriendsWithoutBenefits12 · 30/01/2026 12:38

Larissima · 30/01/2026 11:57

He has gone now. I had to insist for him to go. Already he is saying I am unreasonable for asking him to leave as he thinks he should be at home while he decides what he wants. No we are not married, I'm not minted but I'll survive. I just wanted to understand if maybe I was unreasonable insisting he go but I really don't think I am.

You're not unreasonable at all. Is the house rented/mortgaged? In joint names?