Page 2 | Other half not sure what he wants

Larissima · 2026-01-30T08:10:07+00:00

Just that really. Other half unsure he wants or loves me anymore after 20 years and 4 kids. The cliche does lead me to suspect OW although no proof so who knows. He would like to stay in the family home while he "thinks" about what he wants. I would like him to leave while he "thinks" about what he wants. Personally I don't think making such huge statements should allow him to be comfortable. I have put up with a fair bit. I can admit I haven't been particularly happy over the last few months as I'm sick of some of his selfish behaviours- he can not see this at all- hence the not sure he wants me/ loves me. WWYD?

bluedancingtwiglet · 30/01/2026 12:38

He doesn't get to hang about while he makes up his mind. He does that elsewhere. If you don't pay the membership fees then you don't get to be a member.

Nevermind17 · 30/01/2026 12:47

I’m so sorry OP. ‘Thinking about what they want’ is almost always ‘There is another woman but it’s too soon to know if it’s going anywhere so I’m hedging my bets in the meantime’.

theresbeautyinwindysun · 30/01/2026 12:49

Well done OP. This is what my ex husband initially said to me, it’s absolutely unacceptable to say not sure after 20 years. You have done so well kicking him out. It would help you not to refer to him as your other half. You are not half a person. He doesn’t deserve to be included in whatever makes you whole. Thinking of you. You are doing so well.

2026willbebetter · 30/01/2026 12:55

Larissima · 30/01/2026 11:57

He has gone now. I had to insist for him to go. Already he is saying I am unreasonable for asking him to leave as he thinks he should be at home while he decides what he wants. No we are not married, I'm not minted but I'll survive. I just wanted to understand if maybe I was unreasonable insisting he go but I really don't think I am.

He is very arrogent to think that you will just wait around while he decides.

@hearsayshesay I disagree. He hasn’t said I’m not at happy lets fix our relationship. He has just destablished the OP and expected her to wait around.

Jellybunny56 · 30/01/2026 13:18

Who owns the house? If it’s jointly owned then you can’t make him leave, and if you have forced him to leave then you need to be prepared to be paying all of the bills on your own from today onwards.

For what its worth after 20 years and children if my husband turned round and said he wasn’t sure anymore, I would make the call myself to be done rather than let him think he can take his time weighing up his options. I don’t want to be someone’s option and neither should you be OP, life is too short.

outerspacepotato · 30/01/2026 13:37

If he wants space, then he leaves.

If he's not sure what he wants after 2 decades, I'd be done myself and split.

Hankunamatata · 30/01/2026 13:42

He doesnt get to drop bombshells then stay in the family home.

layingwoody · 30/01/2026 13:43

He’s having a laugh isn’t he? He isn’t sure if he loves you and wants to be with you anymore so you’re meant to sit twiddling your thumbs in limbo, whilst he decides. Make the decision for him!

I would think perhaps someone’s turned his head, however he’s not sure he can be with this person yet properly, so he’s giving you a heads up he’s “not sure” what he wants incase this woman does decide to have him and he leaves, if she doesn’t he will let you know he does want to work things out.

Drongit · 30/01/2026 13:46

The entitlement is staggering. ‘I’ll just carry on in my comfortable family home and you can suck it up whilst I decide.’

Well fuck that and well done for getting him to leave,

BillieWiper · 30/01/2026 13:47

Yeah he needs to go then. It's outrageous to just say things like that and just linger around, hoping that you'll go into overdrive trying to win back his affections.

It's clear you don't really love him anymore either by the sounds of it so tell him there's no thinking to be had. 'I fully agree and feel the same and therefore we split today. And I expect you to have found alternative accomodations in the next two weeks.'

Springtimehere · 30/01/2026 14:03

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Larissima · 30/01/2026 14:08

Thanks all. This has been really helpful. I think the difference is that despite the difficult year I also know that I love him. What has made me question that is how he has been over the last few weeks because he has dropped some bombshells with not so much as a backward glance.

My children deserve me to be happy and sane- knowing he feels this way has been messing with my head.

I would feel very differently if he said what he did but could also see how hurtful that might be and also maybe offer some form of suggestion eg counselling, reconnecting. So obviously I am left to feel he does not want this.

Telling someone you are not sure about them is torture. It's destabilizing. It's ok to feel that way but it's not ok to expect the other person to carry on as normal.

OP posts:

Cupboarddoorknob · 30/01/2026 14:40

Telling somebody you’re “not sure about them” is something you do after the fourth date, not after 20 years and multiple kids OP. He is hedging his bets and behaving atrociously.

Freedomsjustanotherword · 30/01/2026 14:50

Glad that he has gone OP. My h did the 'we must go to couples therapy' line, which he then used as a forum to talk to the therapist about me as though I wasn't there, air all his anger and resentments towards me and denigrate me and our 20 plus year relationship.

And yes indeed my suspicions about him hedging his bets were confirmed a couple of weeks ago.

Am internally adjusting to an awareness that it doesn't matter what he wants, I do not want to be with someone who treats me like that. It is a relief, although actually getting him to go and the practicalities are daunting.

ZoggyStirdust · 30/01/2026 14:54

Larissima · 30/01/2026 14:08

Thanks all. This has been really helpful. I think the difference is that despite the difficult year I also know that I love him. What has made me question that is how he has been over the last few weeks because he has dropped some bombshells with not so much as a backward glance.

My children deserve me to be happy and sane- knowing he feels this way has been messing with my head.

I would feel very differently if he said what he did but could also see how hurtful that might be and also maybe offer some form of suggestion eg counselling, reconnecting. So obviously I am left to feel he does not want this.

Telling someone you are not sure about them is torture. It's destabilizing. It's ok to feel that way but it's not ok to expect the other person to carry on as normal.

Op
please answer who owns the house…

if it’s joint then you cat just make him leave (despite all the “well done you” posts on here)

ReadingCrimeFiction · 30/01/2026 14:56

I see he's gone now and broadly, I think that's right.

The whole, "I don't know what I want, but I still want to live at home and have all the practical, financial, emotional benefits" bollocks is really just a man who has decided he likes PARTS of his life (the easy parts) but doesn't wnat the harder parts - doing his share, emotional labour etc.

I'd love it if one of these days I read on MN about a man who, whiel telling his partner he wasn't sure what he wanted, he ALSO then produced a schedule in which, while he remains living in the house for practical reasons, they act in a way that allows them both the freedom to think - so he'll be single parent in charge of everything for these days, and she'll be single parent in charge of everything for these days....

.... but obviously, I'll be waiting for a very very long time.

bluedancingtwiglet · 30/01/2026 16:03

Larissima · 30/01/2026 14:08

Thanks all. This has been really helpful. I think the difference is that despite the difficult year I also know that I love him. What has made me question that is how he has been over the last few weeks because he has dropped some bombshells with not so much as a backward glance.

My children deserve me to be happy and sane- knowing he feels this way has been messing with my head.

I would feel very differently if he said what he did but could also see how hurtful that might be and also maybe offer some form of suggestion eg counselling, reconnecting. So obviously I am left to feel he does not want this.

Telling someone you are not sure about them is torture. It's destabilizing. It's ok to feel that way but it's not ok to expect the other person to carry on as normal.

I'm sorry but expect him to throw more at you. This is how it goes. They have to blame you for things being the way they are. My ex h said I never gave him Christmas presents or asked how his day was 🤷‍♀️ 28 years of marriage and I never gave him any presents ? I must have been hallucinating all those Christmases.

HarroldGreen · 30/01/2026 17:01

Remember.

NO SECOND CHANCES

You don't forgive shit like that.

Notgonnalieaboutthis · 30/01/2026 17:17

I’d wager that he’s waiting for OW to leave her husband. He wasn’t willing to go unless he has 💯 guarantee that she’s really free for him. Well fuck that for a game of soldiers and good for you for getting rid of him.

HarroldGreen · 30/01/2026 17:36

Notgonnalieaboutthis · 30/01/2026 17:17

I’d wager that he’s waiting for OW to leave her husband. He wasn’t willing to go unless he has 💯 guarantee that she’s really free for him. Well fuck that for a game of soldiers and good for you for getting rid of him.

Something like this.

Op do some digging and blow the affair bubble up.

That can be enjoyable.