I'm writing this in complete desperation. I just need a real person's - a real, impartial person's - outlook on my life and the mess that I fear it has become.
I got with my husband in 2011. We married in 2016. From 2011 until 2016, there were repeated instances of my husband speaking to another woman - we'll call her Mary - and I stupidly forgave each and every one because they were just 'online'. Just him, an adult, going on games from 7pm until 2am, and, in the midst of killing imaginary monsters, messaging a woman for sexual chats and pictures.
After 2016, I thought everything had stopped. I didn't even think to check, and I'm so ashamed for that. So ashamed. So embarrassed. I genuinely trusted him. We had another child, and life moved on. I accepted his narrative that I was controlling and possessive because I didn't think a marriage should look like one partner on their own every evening and the other on a game, far away. I just thought I was a hopeless romantic - a pathetic idiot who wanted a fantasy. Sex became a chore. 'If I have sex with you, can I game?' became a common mantra. Nothing exciting or passionate. Just me, unloved, and him saying that he had a low sex drive. Wasn't interested.
Fast forward to 2023. I'm pregnant with our third child. I find a message saying 'I miss you'. It's from him, but he gaslights me into believing that WhatsApp ticks appear when a message is received. Doesn't let that go for days, until I prove him wrong. Denies it's Mary. Until I find a snapchat account. Then it's all Mary. Bit suspicious. I log in; naked pics and vids of my friend. Her face saved. Disappeared chats. I message her: months, at least (neither seem to know the timeline), of sex chats and pics.
An OnlyFans account. Using our money to pay for sexual content while ignoring me. Telling other women they're perfect when I'm dramatic for wanting to be called pretty.
I ask: anything else you want to tell me - anything more? Nope. Just sex chats to your friend and one 'stupid' message to the other woman. Forgiveness. Boundaries enforced. No porn (since he said everything was 'just porn' to him).
Fast forward to now. I find porn on his laptop - a Fansly account now. Pornstars subscribed to. And Mary's number. I email her. She says she wants to be honest.
And the reality is that for the entirety of our marriage, my husband has been sexually messaging another woman, asking her for pics and videos. Most they'd go without speaking is a months - not years. Engaging in sexual conversations for the kicks of it. While I'm upstairs in bed, feeling unwanted (because I've always felt unwanted; I just sucked it up). Having her present on Skype calls while he's gaming because he wants her company. Just wanting her to be there. Call logs of phone calls shared during my pregnancy. Secret Twitter accounts. Declarations of love. Hotels booked; anger from him that she wouldn't show. His fears she was catfishing him because she'd never come when he'd sort something. But never his rejection. Never him going away. Videos made of them both - masturbating together and sending each other vids. Shared moments. Online, yes, so maybe I'm pathetic. Maybe I am over-reacting.
He says I'm making it bigger than it is in my head. That it's online, so nothing. Just online stuff. Not real.
I've had four weeks off work collapsing over this and the mental breakdown it's caused me to suffer. I've had to tell work today what's up. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed. Terrified that they'll think me stupid because it's 'just online'.
My husband 'can't remember' anything and 'doesn't know' why he did it.
Urgh.
Please. Tell me if I'm crazy. Tell me if I'm dramatic.