Online Emotional Affair - Maybe? Is it cheating???

[Lalallals248]

I'm writing this in complete desperation. I just need a real person's - a real, impartial person's - outlook on my life and the mess that I fear it has become.
I got with my husband in 2011. We married in 2016. From 2011 until 2016, there were repeated instances of my husband speaking to another woman - we'll call her Mary - and I stupidly forgave each and every one because they were just 'online'. Just him, an adult, going on games from 7pm until 2am, and, in the midst of killing imaginary monsters, messaging a woman for sexual chats and pictures.
After 2016, I thought everything had stopped. I didn't even think to check, and I'm so ashamed for that. So ashamed. So embarrassed. I genuinely trusted him. We had another child, and life moved on. I accepted his narrative that I was controlling and possessive because I didn't think a marriage should look like one partner on their own every evening and the other on a game, far away. I just thought I was a hopeless romantic - a pathetic idiot who wanted a fantasy. Sex became a chore. 'If I have sex with you, can I game?' became a common mantra. Nothing exciting or passionate. Just me, unloved, and him saying that he had a low sex drive. Wasn't interested.
Fast forward to 2023. I'm pregnant with our third child. I find a message saying 'I miss you'. It's from him, but he gaslights me into believing that WhatsApp ticks appear when a message is received. Doesn't let that go for days, until I prove him wrong. Denies it's Mary. Until I find a snapchat account. Then it's all Mary. Bit suspicious. I log in; naked pics and vids of my friend. Her face saved. Disappeared chats. I message her: months, at least (neither seem to know the timeline), of sex chats and pics.
An OnlyFans account. Using our money to pay for sexual content while ignoring me. Telling other women they're perfect when I'm dramatic for wanting to be called pretty.
I ask: anything else you want to tell me - anything more? Nope. Just sex chats to your friend and one 'stupid' message to the other woman. Forgiveness. Boundaries enforced. No porn (since he said everything was 'just porn' to him).
Fast forward to now. I find porn on his laptop - a Fansly account now. Pornstars subscribed to. And Mary's number. I email her. She says she wants to be honest.
And the reality is that for the entirety of our marriage, my husband has been sexually messaging another woman, asking her for pics and videos. Most they'd go without speaking is a months - not years. Engaging in sexual conversations for the kicks of it. While I'm upstairs in bed, feeling unwanted (because I've always felt unwanted; I just sucked it up). Having her present on Skype calls while he's gaming because he wants her company. Just wanting her to be there. Call logs of phone calls shared during my pregnancy. Secret Twitter accounts. Declarations of love. Hotels booked; anger from him that she wouldn't show. His fears she was catfishing him because she'd never come when he'd sort something. But never his rejection. Never him going away. Videos made of them both - masturbating together and sending each other vids. Shared moments. Online, yes, so maybe I'm pathetic. Maybe I am over-reacting.
He says I'm making it bigger than it is in my head. That it's online, so nothing. Just online stuff. Not real.
I've had four weeks off work collapsing over this and the mental breakdown it's caused me to suffer. I've had to tell work today what's up. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed. Terrified that they'll think me stupid because it's 'just online'.
My husband 'can't remember' anything and 'doesn't know' why he did it.
Urgh.
Please. Tell me if I'm crazy. Tell me if I'm dramatic.

you are in an abusive relationship. sorry to read something so awful Op - I hope you have support nearby.

Thank you all for validating my pain.
I feel like I have been going crazy.

Oh OP I can relate so much - I too was young when I got together with the guy who wasted many years of my life and he was older, I was 15 and he was 21. Porn was an issue (this was before online stuff existed). I have so many regrets. But we must try not to look backwards, just look forwards to a better life! (I am really sorry I was hard on you in my previous message, I didnt mean to be, I realise how we get into these situations) Good luck OP, people here will have good advice for you. Just let us know what you need x

When you are in the trenches with young children, it was impossible to take him on, you were just surviving. It’s ok to stand up now and say no more. Whenever you are ready. Trust yourself.

Good lord, you’re only 31! Yes, you’ve been deceived and gas lit by a vile cheating turd but to be honest? Most of us have! You are not the first and you won’t be the last, many shit bags walk among us.
But his lack of character is not a reflection of your worth. You have no shame in this. Have you been wanking on video to some random bloke? Have you lied, cheated, deceived your partner? No, thought not. This is him, not you.
Shed him like the bag of useless skin that he is. You are young and, despite what the rancid twat has told you, you can do ANYTHING. And everything will be easier without this moron weighing you down.

I really hope you guys see this next comment I'm putting and read it. I really hope you do.
Because karma fucking exists guys.
So, this woman he was 'in love with' for 15 years, cheated on me with, hurt me with?
She kept her profiles super hidden. Everything about her super hidden. Made out she was this super private individual.
Anyway. I know this is gonna make me sound weird - please forgive me - but I googled her. Like, intensely googled her. And I managed to find the company she works for, and their LinkedIn page (again, I know - I'm crazy, I'm ashamed, but this bit is too good not to share).
My husband has been catfished.
For 15 years.
She is NOTHING like the pictures she sent that I saw of her.
She didn't meet up because she couldn't reveal who she really was to him.
Like, this doesn't erase ANYTHING of what he has done - and, actually, it makes it even worse for me - but he has been catfished.
He has ruined our lives ... over a catfish.
I'm not going to debase her physicality because that's an awful thing to her. Her profile shows that she is intelligent, hard working, and successful. But ... yeah. The super hot Latino woman with the characteristic amazing bum? That person isn't who he has been speaking to.
Like, it sounded mental enough to begin with, didn't it? My husband has cheated on me for 15 years in an online capacity and I had no clue ... that sounded mental enough. But now ... my husband cheated on me for 15 years and was catfished the entire time is something fucking else.
Jesus Christ.
This is absolutely insane.

So he’s a cheat and also a dumbass? Honestly, the two frequently go hand in hand! Makes no difference. Get rid.

I’m so sorry OP, please don’t be embarrassed or ashamed. This is not your fault, these men are brilliant at distorting reality and sucking you into the vortex until that’s all you can see. He’s a five star weapons-grade manipulator and got you to believe all sorts of stuff. He’s psychologically abused you for years, no wonder you don’t know which way is up.
I don’t think he’s going to change, he minimises and excuses all the awful things he’s done.
I think you deserve peace of mind and relief from this hall of mirrors he has you living in.
Make your own reality now and don’t listen to more of his rubbish. Turns out the fantasy he was pursuing wasn’t even real either. If it wasn’t so awful it would be funny that for such an arch manipulator and liar, he got sucked into somebody else’s trap.
You need to get away from this man, his warped and narcissistic behaviour isn’t going to change without serious intervention and a realisation of his bad this is. He’s been like it for so long I think it’s just who he is.
You deserve better than this piece of human detritus.

Nasty. 🤮. This is way worse than a physical affair to me. I could never look at him the same and I wouldn’t be able to bear him touching me. Without a doubt this would be a dealbreaker

@Lalallals248 does he now know he’s been catfished?

You need to lean into that outrage and disgust. Don’t let him gaslight you anymore. He’s not a prize and his manipulative and vile behaviour towards you is not love.

LTB ... he is grim!

He does know - I told him. Whilst laughing manically. I think something actually broke in me yesterday.
And then today clarity came back.
Some of the videos made to her were mere weeks after my Nan died. My Nan was like my mum and it was an absolutely horrific time for me. Horrendous.
And today I found out he first started chatting to my "friend" on snap days after my Nan's death, too. She died on the 12th Sept 2020; he added my friend on the 28th Sept 2020. I found out they were speaking in 2023, so that's basically an affair too - even tho they both say it was just pics/intermittent.
He also admitted he used cam girls for years too to satisfy his craving for interaction - a craving he had while I was upstairs alone.
I also found subscriptions on Twitch today. Apparently because a female streamer whose tagline is 'thicthighs' came to Manchester, he absolutely had to subscribe to her because it's so cool she's in Manchester ...
Crazy.
My life is a joke.

When a man cheats online its the start of strong temptations to do it live. You are not reacting too much. I would do the same.

This is just so awful, and it’s him who should feel deeply, lastingly ashamed for everything he’s done to you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have been a good partner, raised beautiful kids, tried to make a home.

What he’s done is not “just online”. It’s disgusting cheating and betrayal. Just because it’s through a camera doesn’t make it any better. The only reason he is trying to play it off as lesser is because he doesn’t want to own up to how badly he’s behaved.

Do you have the means to separate? I know it’s hard, and there’ll be gaslighting and guilt and if he’s really manipulative there’ll be tears and promises to fix himself and he’ll tell you that he has an addiction - anything to tug on your heartstrings. But he’s shown his true colours. One of the best possible feelings is realising a few years down the line that you haven’t thought of him in who knows how long, and that your life is yours, happy and free.

I hope there are people in your life that you can lean on, but if not (and possibly even if there are) it might be worth asking your GP to refer you to a therapist so that you have an outlet for your feelings and dedicated time where you can work through this.

Good luck OP. Stay strong. You can get through this.

LTB. I can't see a way back from this. Honestly it's worse than a short physical affair/ons. He has a serious addiction. Have you got your ducks in a row?

You’re 31 OP - your life is just starting. Free yourself from this cunt, take time to be single and understand yourself, make friends, get hobbies and interests and make the next chapter a better one.

Just focus on moving on with your life and in time a new job.

Please do not feel ashamed or embarrassed. He is the person who should be feeling those things. What you do need to understand very clearly is that this man is a cheat in so many ways and you should end it because you deserve so much better.

What did he say once you told him he'd been cat fished? Of course it doesn't matter if all his online contacts are misrepresented liars. The fact is he was doing his level best to cheat and is not going to stop. You deserve better. Much better

So ive been dragged down again this week. I relented and said he could stay until I got on my feet and in that time - if he was serious about changing - he could show me and maybe I would change my mind. But I made it really clear that he is only here so that I can get my life sorted and leave properly without sacrificing my comfort or the kids (I currently have nowhere to go and no means of actually making him leave if he doesnt consent.) So he was like yeah yeah fine and ill prove to you ive changed, ill prove to you so you wont want to leave .... I didnt really believe it but I didnt expect him to mess up so fast.
Going through our search history and on the 30th Jan and 2nd feb, he spent the morning looking at naked women on twitter. You know the whole grok take my clothes off thing? The women were pretty much naked to begin with and he admitted he found them attractive and wanted to look.
Addiction story then came out.
He cant even stop staring at other women's bodies when im breaking down at the side of him everyday. You'd think the guilt and shame would stop him from even being able to look.

Hes tried to cheat in real life but has been rejected on every occasion ive found.
I also dont believe that he didnt meet my friend. She was in a relationship too - newly engaged after splitting from her husband, who was my husbands friend - so has her own reasons to downplay it to just sexting.

I'm so sorry OP but now you know for sure that there is no going back. Start the process of ending this relationship for good.

There is really no way to salvage this @Lalallals248 - The sooner you can separate from this mess, the better.

I am set on leaving and I didnt plan to get back with him - i cant forgive being told im less desirable to him than an onlyfans model and a wank over her body was more enticing than sex with me.
The line that broke me the most was "it never even crossed my mind to get you to do [the things only fans women were doing for him]". I feel completely unattractive and invisible.

The point is more that im just absolutely astounded by the depths of his selfishness. If the roles were reversed, the thought of spending my time looking at naked men while my husband was off work and breaking down would make me absolutely sick.

Yet he can see me cry, break, fall apart and just log back onto his twitter. His for you page is literally a porn mag. Yay