What REALLY matters in picking a partner (when early dating!)

[anotherusernamehere]

I'm late 30s and dating, conscious of timeline but also not picking the wrong guy and wasting time, so if you've got a good husband, were there any things you looked out for and can see now were good signs they were a good guy?! What about red flags or topics of conversation that you wish you had brought up to discover anything that would have put you off?

(My situation is I've met a guy who I really like as a person and we get on well, seem very aligned on everything we want - marriage/kids/etc. He's pretty much a unicorn in the dating world - trust me, I've dated a lot ha! But I don't look at him and think I want to rip his clothes off! (We have also only kissed so maybe that'll change if/when it progresses more physically. TBF the kissing was very good and it did start to make me feel more attraction towards him!) I do think he's kind, attractive etc. I have had relationships where I've been friends with someone and then the attraction has grown so I'm hoping that would be the case here.. and that surely that full blown sparky chemistry is something's maybe overrated? What do you think are the really important things?)

It's a really good question I think.

For me:

He didn't play games. Was utterly reliable. Never messed around or forgot to call. Left me in no doubt he really wanted to be with me. It's so true that if a man is keen, he leaves you in no doubt.

Also, a similar approach to practical day to day life as well as the 'big stuff'. ie similar approach to what 'clean and tidy' means in the house, and how much time is spent on hobbies.

He was very clear that, in a serious relationship, money and workload and emotional energy should be evenly shared, and has lived by that.

Absolutely any whiff of racism / sexism / any kind of bigotry and he'd have been out.

Has a similar sense of humour. We laugh a LOT.

Is he polite about his exes?

Is he kind to people he holds no obligation to?

Kindness, kindness, kindness. To everyone else as well as you. Are they kind to their parents, friends, colleagues and people who serve them eg waiters? Not a doormat for everyone, but a general leaning towards being kind and thoughtful.

Other than that, values that are aligned (although not necessarily identical to yours), someone who can resolve conflict calmly and respectfully, good at listening and will accept responsibility when they get it wrong. Willing to prioritise you, although not ditching his friends to spend every waking minute with you and he does what he says he will do - reliable. And funny - a shared sense of humour can go a long way.

Kindness, good manners. Consideration for others. How does he treat his mother and sister if he has one . Does he have friends? If so, are they decent people? Does he treat animals with gentleness. Does he show empathy. Is he interested in your life and feelings and what your life was like before you met him? What were his previous relationships like and how did they end?
Is he selfish? Does he read ? Is he interested in culture? Has he travelled?
Is he clean and tidy and able to manage and organise himself?
Does he have a work ethic? What is his personal hygiene like?

Just some things off the top of my head.

I stopped overthinking and worrying about my ‘checklist’ and simply asked myself how does this person make me FEEL?

I’m a naturally rational and logical person so it was hard to shift focus to my emotions, but I figured if I’m going to build a life with someone, I need to feel good, at peace, supported etc. around them.

I also like straightforward people - no MH issues, no past trauma, no confusion about sexuality, no jealousy/insecurity/competitiveness. Just someone who chooses to be happy and likes to enjoy life (like me!).

For context, I met DP at 35, just over a year ago, and it’s going well so far.

I agree with others kindness is massive and not to be underated. Similar values my DH absolutely pulls his weight with sharing the household chores and childcare. Also the ability to laugh and themselves and not take themselves to seriously. When I met my DH it wasnt immediate lust but he is the most amazing human being and I love him so much after 15 years together. The attraction grew as I got to know him.

This. He was considerate and kind.

I tested him. I was clear about my interests.

He did all the date planning but asked me ie nice NT place nearby would Saturday afternoon work?
He phoned when he said he would. He never ever let me down. He treated staff in cafes in a really nice way. He didn’t moan. He more than pulled his wait. Eg he cooked and cleaned and tidied up. He learnt about my job and the stress of it.

I met his mother and she was nice and kind and happy he had found me but was ‘I don’t want to step on your toes’ or phone or text you too much.

My DH sorts out everything an gets the concept of a mental load.

Physical attraction definitely needs to be there for me. Kindness and respectfulness goes without saying. I also want someone to share my sense of humour and attitude to finances.

Met my DH on Tinder, and like you I didn’t initially feel like I fancied him even though I liked everything else about him. We parted ways after a few dates because I said I wasn’t feeling a ‘spark’. We reconnected a few years later and I realised all his good qualities made him a great catch and I would be daft to let him get away again so decided to give him a proper chance, and tbh the physical attraction built fairly quickly once I properly leant in to the relationship.

He is amazing, really thoughtful and kind. Treated his DM and DGM really well, very loyal to his friends, considerate of my needs, never played games, always made his intentions towards me clear and I never had any doubts that he was serious about me. We like spending time together but also both like our space to decompress so we are well suited in that way. We always have fun together and are well matched in terms of intelligence and humour, I’ve never felt like I had to change myself for him.
He’s an amazing Dad to our kids, and makes me feel loved and cherished every day.

• Quick to say sorry, own mistakes, and proactively work on being better, without throwing themselves a pity party (not just saying 'im trying, its hard!' When they get things wrong, actively trying and talking through stuff)
• If their first reaction to being in the wrong is to get defensive or turn it round on you... run.
• Someone who doesnt have to be cajoled or babied into have serious discussion or hard talks in general. Its okay for someone to not be great at it, but at our age, id bloody expect them to be able to verbalise that and suggest ways that work for both of you.
• Someone that is generally an uplifting person to be around and is conscious of their impact on others.
• This one is a biggie for me - All of the most decent men I've met were very comfortable in their masculinity and couldn't give a shit about coming across 'feminine' in any way. Any man who thinks gross locker room 'lad banter' in the group chat is okay (or 'its a bit gross but I just ignore it') or similar, just isnt the man for me. I want a man who openly thinks sexist stereotypes or 'one of the boys' behaviour is a pile of boring, gross, unacceptable nonsense. They are out there (I have one at home)

Are they a functioning adult on their own? Are their home and pets and things and themselves well cared for? Do they have self discipline? Do they enjoy their work and play? Are they on time? Watch how they treat service workers, that's a real tell. Are his parents welcoming?

Red flags for me are love bombing and clinginess and going on about the ex that did them wrong.

Hmm tricky - if you don’t feel like ripping his clothes off now how likelt are you after 20 years of marriage?you are right, attraction can grown and beauty is skin deep. See how things go but if attraction doesn’t develop- move on

If your friends like him, that's a good sign. Being on the same page morally & politically is always helpful, as is having the same sort of sense of humour and similar tastes in music etc.

I would run a mile from anyone who dislikes animals. I had one date with a bloke who laughed and made a 'joke' about kicking my cat if it went anywhere near him. That was the end of that one.

Does he listen, I mean really listen, and pay attention to you when you speak? If a man doesn't early on, he never will.

Look at his parents, especially his father. Does he have violent tenancies? Does he treat his mother well? Family history of diseases if you want kids. And kids inherit some behaviours too.

I'm good on the 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Dodging paying for things
All their exes are crazy
Place is a state
Poor hygiene
Changes jobs a lot and it's always the employer
Won't/can't plan
Signs of dodging responsibility
Lies that come out big and small
Caginess about anything
Vagueness about money/pension
Wasting money on pointless stuff

Agree with every single word.

Also would add, they make your life better. Actually better like… they cheer you up, they’re kind to your mum, they remember your favourite song and put it on. They make things more fun when they’re around. I had so many boyfriends who did not fulfil this criterion.

I think physical attraction is massively overrated as a criteria. But I realise that is an unpopular opinion.

I would ask;
Does he make you laugh?
Does he share your morals?
Does he want to please you?
Does he bring out your best qualities?
Is he kind to people who don’t matter?

Find out as much you can about his relationship with his parents, especially his mother and if he’s an only child/son.

Married 25 years, together 29. DH has been reliable from day 1. If he says he'll, do something, he does it. No games or messing anyone around. Will always pick me up/drop off at airport/station if I've been away with work. Calls/texts to say he loves me even after all these years. I appreciate him.

I think if someone makes you feel like a good version of yourself. A relaxed, happy, motivated, version of you. You have to like who you are when you’re around him.

Well, 37 year ago, at a Ball, I was sat opposite a chap who was very attentive to me all evening and barely took his eyes off me. Nor me him. We were both there with others. It was electric chemistry. He broke off with his gf of 5 years before he rang me (two months later) having remembered where I worked.

By the 2nd date I had him sussed as kind, loyal, moral, deeply ambitious, frighteningly intelligent, we shared politics, values, religion, interests, noting I am not sporty, he was/is. The tidiest and most impractical man ever. At that time he was on his uppers skint.

I was 29, he was 28. We haven't been much apart since our 2nd date. It helped that he was tall, blonde, blue eyed and rather well made.

It depends what you mean by physical attraction.

An imperfect nose or slightly crooked teeth - fine, you’d get over that.
Morbidly obese and 4 foot 10 - complete non-starter.

Avoid video gamers.

Ah, that’s lovely!