What REALLY matters in picking a partner (when early dating!)

[anotherusernamehere]

I'm late 30s and dating, conscious of timeline but also not picking the wrong guy and wasting time, so if you've got a good husband, were there any things you looked out for and can see now were good signs they were a good guy?! What about red flags or topics of conversation that you wish you had brought up to discover anything that would have put you off?

(My situation is I've met a guy who I really like as a person and we get on well, seem very aligned on everything we want - marriage/kids/etc. He's pretty much a unicorn in the dating world - trust me, I've dated a lot ha! But I don't look at him and think I want to rip his clothes off! (We have also only kissed so maybe that'll change if/when it progresses more physically. TBF the kissing was very good and it did start to make me feel more attraction towards him!) I do think he's kind, attractive etc. I have had relationships where I've been friends with someone and then the attraction has grown so I'm hoping that would be the case here.. and that surely that full blown sparky chemistry is something's maybe overrated? What do you think are the really important things?)

Absolutely agree with both posts.

100% kindness, calmness, an ability to listen and communicate and a positive outlook.I would avoid men who act comically grumpy, while it can seem funny as an occasional one off down the pub having a Victor Meldrew moment, living with someone like that is draining!

Someone who finishes what they have started and cleans up as they go. Avoid a man with lots of unfinished projects.

The spark can definitely grow especially if they are decent in bed and listen and act on what you tell them you like/dislike.

Their core personality traits will it change however electric the chemistry is.

Wow thanks for all the replies.

It's still early days but I am going "yes yes yes" to everything everyone is listing. This is a good reminder to me to keep pursuing it. I had amazing chemistry with a couple of exes so I'm struggling a bit with that not being quite there. But then again I also had bigger issue (like them not wanting marriage and kids!).

I'm also used to dating older men and this guy is 18 months younger than me which is a bit different. But then perhaps it means I'll become even MORE attracted to him as he greys and gets older rather than less 😂

The interesting thing is that I do feel very comfortable and safe with him. I guess again with the chemistry thing I'm used to, I guess with others I've felt very nervous/excited/maybe even a bit of edge? So comfortable/relaxed/safe so early on is a different feeling! But it can't be a bad thing?!

Personally I do need a spark/chemistry and think it's important.

In terms of qualities, someone who is a good listener and is interested in getting to know me as a person- will ask questions and be interested in what I have to say.

Kindness is very important, look at how he treats others around him including children, his family and animals. Also little things - does he let you have the last chocolate type of thing.

Someone reliable. Who turns up a bit early. Who never lets you down. This is probably the most important quality of all for me and increasingly rare. Actions over words.

For what ir may be worth - I met my DH when I was thinking about husband’s rather than boyfriends. My “checklist “ when out of the window. He was the one for me. We will be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary this year. I didn’t have to rhink if he was the one - he just was. I had no doubt in my mind.

I met a guy through OLD nearly three years ago. He ticks a lot of the boxes that PPs have mentioned. However sometimes he makes me feel absolutely awful. He has an avoidant attachment style and absolutely will not engage in any conversations involving uncomfortable feelings. He also lives in a bit of a fantasy world which makes my jaw drop sometimes. He has also been married three times and has a significant amount of failed relationships behind him, all of which broke down through the fault of the women, not him. Obviously.

There was a lot of love bombing going on at the start of the relationship as well.

So basically OP even if they do ‘tick all of the boxes’ as a previous poster mentioned…pay attention to how they make you feel and be aware of early red flags no matter how small they may seem.

Don’t know if this has been said yet, but check how he treats his mum! That’s always a good sign! All the above are really good as well!!

With hindsight I would have gone for intense physical attraction with no red flags.

I ended up with Mr safe and it was all a bit dull in the end.

The thing that really set Dh apart from everyone I dated before was how thoroughly dependable he was. If he said he’d meet me at 7pm, he was there at 6:59. If he promised we’d go and do whatever on Saturday, he never got drunk and overslept or cancelled if his mates suggested something better. He was trustworthy and always true to his word.

18 years later, he is still as dependable as ever. I always know if he says he’ll sort something or be somewhere at a certain time, he will be.

I will also say that I loved spending time with him and we always had things to talk about and I found him really easy to get along with, but I didn’t necessarily feel that rip each other’s clothes off energy to start either. I think it’s because we sometimes are attracted to the hard to catch, the bad boys, the antics.

He didn’t keep me on my toes or pining after him wondering if he’d message me or not. He always messaged. If what you’re used to is jerks, sometimes we confuse being a jerk with being sexy, but there’s lots of different types of sexy and it takes getting your head around what a healthy relationship looks like if you haven’t been used to it.

How does he cope in a crisis? Life will throw spanners in the works to everyone, and having someone who is able to stay steady and find a way through it important... And no matter how valid the reason for/cause of difficult behaviour, make your judgement on the reality of now, and patterns you see now, not hope/promise for the future...Good luck, it sounds like you've found someone lovely...

This is really interesting and has made me think. I am 54 and was married to a man for 25 years who I had an intense spark with but in reality made me really sad.

I recently had a few dates with a man who was kind, dependable (got on well with his Mum!) but I finished it because I didn’t feel a spark and didn’t want to lead him on. Am now wondering if I did the right thing….

Hi Op, in a similar stage of life as you and navigating similar questions! Interesting thread. I’ve been dating someone for six months and given my age, trying to really make sure I don’t fall into the wrong thing

The guy I’m dating makes me feel safe and comfortable. I’m definitely attracted to him, not maybe in the same intense way as I’ve been with avoidant toxic men, but in a safer more vulnerable way. He is very consistent, communicates, kind, makes an effort to discuss issues and to be transparent about what he finds difficult to talk about, goes out of his way to make sure our plans reflect both our needs. He is polite and friendly to all around him.

The things that the anxious part of me wants to question - we have quite different interests. I’d be considered more “intellectual”. I’ve decided this doesn’t matter. I love talking to him - we talk for hours, both of us talking about things the other knows little about, but with keenness to learn. We did have one argument relating to something I got anxious about and he got very defensive, but in the context of him saying during the discussion that one of his red flags is he gets defensive if he is being unnecessarily not trusted. I know others may jump on that but my reading is that he was admitting in the middle of the argument that he wasn’t dealing with it well, and really I wasn’t either. I think we will learn how to argue constructively the more we understand each other.

I think I am also learning that we all have red flags - but if there is self awareness around them, to work on them and be aware, then, unless we are talking about something completely destructive, they can be navigated.

Run for the hills!