Flagging romance in a lopsided marriage

[BakedAlaskaSmarty]

I'm really struggling to remain romantically interested in my wife, and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm 50, and she's 47.

She has long-term mental health issues, including severe depression and anxiety. She is able to work part-time (and loves her job, which helps), but she is not very resilient at dealing with life's stresses. As time goes by, I need to take on more and more responsibility for things she cannot cope with. Not the end of the world, as I'm a pretty chilled-out person, but not always easy.

She no longer has any interest in intimacy. I don't think we've had sex or even kissed since 2024, and very rarely for a decade or more before that. We did have counselling for the intimacy, but it stressed her out so much that the therapist said that it would be wrong to continue because it was risking worsening her mental health. She does have a therapist to help her with her other issues.

I'm definitely not looking to leave, but the loss of intimacy combined with the increasing amount of support I need to give her (practically and emotionally) makes it hard to view her romantically. I think she would be heartbroken if she knew that - she always says we are soulmates.

Does anyone have any advice on how to keep the flame of romance burning in this kind of relationship? Right now if I do anything romantic for her (e.g. bring her flowers, give her a valentines card, take her out for dinner) it feels like a bit of an act, rather than feeling authentic.

I don’t, I’m afraid; I’m a sexual person and physical intimacy is too important to me.

I was married to someone with severe MH problems for 14 years, though they only got really intense for the last 10. I kept space in life for myself and my own interests, which gave me more resource to support him. He was also a very creative person and eventually became a trained artist, and seeing that develop in him (and seeing art differently myself as a result) was a wonderful experience.

We also did spend time together, though not nearly enough from his pov. It was always good for the relationship when we did.

Ultimately people can only be the people they are. You can let go of expectations that they will live up to their previous selves, and just be in the moment. I’m certainly not going to say it is easy though. Dh died; I’m afraid that although I grieved him, life without the illness is easier.

Oh btw we never did flowers, dinner etc, that stuff isn’t particularly romantic to me. Listening and talking.

I wouldn’t be happy with no sex since 2024 either. I’m 45.

It’s ok to want sex, but it seems if you stay with your DW this is something you’re going to have to live with. Why are you so opposed to splitting?

Not sure it is possible to keep the romance alive in the circumstances your describe - not just because of the lack of the sex and intimacy but the whole package. At some level you are increasingly becoming a carer and that will change the dynamic. I imagine you are staying out of compassion rather than passion. If that is a compromise you are willing to live with, then you will have to learn to accept that. I think I would find personally find that difficult if not impossible. You can offer her support and friendship from outside the marriage if you decide to leave.

I suppose because I am very comfortable with her, I don't resent her for the lack of intimacy, or the challenges to my life, and I would worry how she would get on without me. I would be abandoning her, and I would hate myself for that forever. And the thought of starting again with someone else at my age just doesn't appeal.

In that case, if you won’t consider separating I suppose you need to accept it’s like a companionship rather than a marriage. Would either of you consider an open marriage?

Obviously it’s a bit extreme but I do know someone who does this and they’re all happy with it.

Companionship is exactly what it feels like, yes.

I know she would be heartbroken if I suggested an open marriage. Knowing her she would accept it, but would always be distressed by it. And that of course, could have a negative effect on her mental health.

I think you are very young to be living in a sexless, intimacy-less marriage. It doesn't sound like you needs in this relationship can be met. I guess you have to decide if companionship is enough for you for what is likely to be several decades. Maybe spend some time thinking about if you would be okay with that? Hoping your wife will change seems like a good way to end up frustrated and unhappy, so I think your options are either to accept what it is, or leave.

Sounds like you need to focus on fun, not romance. Do ever go and play on the 2p machines at the seaside? Or try something new like a new craft together. Just laughing at how shit your resulting craft work is can help with intimacy.

Of course she says you are soulmates because she wants to guilt you into staying with her just for that when only companionship is on offer. Is it really enough? It wouldn’t be for me.

We both love 2p machines! Pretty much our favourite date!

We could try new hobbies together. I have quite a lot of hobbies now, but they are "just me" hobbies. I'm quite active and sporty, whereas my wife has some physical limitations. Still, there must be lots of things we could try to do together, and perhaps I've neglected this side of things.

Please can you give some examples of how you support your wife physically and emotionally?

How were things before 2024? When did the relationship change?

Physically = all the cooking, shopping, driving, gardening, most of the housework, any tasks she thinks of which are causing her stress. Fortunately I don't need a lot of sleep, but I go to bed an hour later and wake up two hours earlier to be able to get everything done (I work full time).

Emotionally = listening to her problems, trying to reassure her, intervening on her behalf if other people upset her, not sharing my own distresses or worries with her to protect her.

2024 was not a turning point particularly - it has just been a gradual decline over the years. She was absolutely fine 20 years ago when we were first together.

Honestly I couldn’t live without the intimacy and I’m older than you. If I were you I’d leave so not too helpful of me really. I hope you get things figured out.

Do you have children?

Yes, but they are young adults now. The youngest still lives at home, but has finished school and has a job.

This is so incredibly difficult @BakedAlaskaSmarty, I really feel for you. Also, hats off, a lot of us would have left by now in your place, surely... Not everyone can place the other person's needs above theirs like this... It is clear that you are very careful how and what you say to her, respecting her mental issues, but have you tried talking to her, how she feels about all of this? The intimacy, the romance - if she thinks you are soulmates, surely, she'd be interested in adjusting that part of your relationship - at least I hope.

See, the danger with leaving is that the kids will end up taking on a caring responsibility for her.

Frankly I think she needs to accept that some things might cause her to feel stressed , but she has to do them anyway because she's a grown up and can't just opt out of adult life. Her therapist is doing her no favours if they are supporting this 'opt out'.
I agree that it's very hard to feel like a partner to someone who needs constant reassurance and propping up and it's not reasonable for OPs wife to make zero effort and just let him do everything!

I think she needs better professional help, to assist her in helping to function more normally again.

You are wasting your life with her and flogging a dead horse.

I'm not making excuses for your wife, I am wondering if she is struggling with menopause. Menopause can look like depression, anxiety, low libido, exhaustion. Is this something she has explored? Is her physical health fine?

Love is unconditional. Support isn't. When does support cross over to enabling behaviour?

I understand what you mean now by 'lopsided.'

I hope you can both find a solution for these issues.

I don't think you can restart the romance here. She's made clear, over more than a decade, that that isn't where she's at. You already do several hours of housekeeping a day so she doesn't have to do it. Anything you need is basically put second to her mental health needs. You sound like if you asked for anything, she would get even more stressed, so it's just not possible; that's what happened in sex therapy.

I'm sorry OP, this has turned into a carer dynamic where you try to manage her mental health needs by doing what needs doing to stop them getting worse. I would find that very frustrating. The kind of dynamic you need to reignite romance is just not here- and to be very honest, she doesn't want that, so you are on a hiding to nothing,

The options really are put up with it or leave, and you've said you don't want to leave.

I would read 'Let Them' by Mel Robbins and start thinking about whether you might be unknowingly not helping her towards getting better or independence.

I think you need to dignify her with some honesty op and tell her that you still love her very much, and you don’t want to be married to anyone else, but that you are struggling to see her romantically because you do so much for her in a practical way, that you almost feel like her carer.

Tell her also that you could do with more emotional support as you find yourself unable to open up to her for fear of upsetting her fragile mh. And you feel that that is driving a wedge between you,

She may be so involved in her own struggles that she hasn’t fully realised the effect that it is having on you and the damage that it is doing to your overall relationship; not just your sex live.

You never know, she may appreciate your honesty op. And frankly, the longer you choose to shield her from this and not be honest, the more you are treating her like a child.

On a practical front, is your wife on the pill bc that can cause depression, anxiety and loss of libido? Your women’s mh issues may not be completely attributable to hormones but it’s worth looking in to; ditto peri-menopause as mentioned by a pp.

How do you know that the op’s wife is guilt-tripping her dh? If he hasn’t been honest with her about the state of their relationship; she may be thinking that he loves her deeply and that they are soulmates, even without intimacy, because he does everything for her without complaining.

In a way she is not wrong either because he says he doesn’t want to leave. But he needs to be more honest with her in order to give her a chance to fix things and to achieve a more equal relationship.

Give the woman a chance to put things right at least! You never know, if they haven’t talked properly, she may be thinking that there is no romance in their relationship because her husband is so busy doing chores all of the time!

Maybe not, but her dh will not know her true thoughts about all of until he bites the bullet and initiates an honest discussion. Things can go very badly wrong in relationships when the two parties make assumptions about one another in the absence of honest dialogue.

Just to add to my post below; op’s wife does not have an intellectual disability. She is an individual with young adult dc and a pt job fhs. People with mh difficulties should not be patronised or treated like children. They deserve some honesty like everyone else, even if it does cause them stress.

Unless his wife is psychotic or experiencing delusions, op should not be making decisions unilaterally as to how far his wife’s mental state should be protected, without discussing it with her first! The marriage is doomed anyway if they can’t discuss these things openly.

I know that severe depression can leave the sufferer literally unable to get out of bed, but if your wife is currently able to work part-time and enjoys it, she’s not in that situation.

I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but it doesn’t sound as if she’s really too unwell to do things in the house, she just doesn’t want to- and you’re willing to do everything. No wonder you’re not feeling romantic, you’ve turned into the family’s work horse.

What treatment is she having for her illnesses? You’re not a trained therapist (I presume) and she needs to seek professional support and probably medication (if she’s not already having this).

As others have said, I think it’s time to talk to her about how this situation is affecting you. You can’t shoulder all the responsibilities-tell her that it’s too much for you and see how she responds. You’re a partnership and you can’t continue being a work horse.